Luna

Luna

1 chapter / 1170 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

Amazing cover by Queen of Air and Darkness!

Genres:

Fantasy, Short Story

Comments(5)

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about 4 years ago Ambre Demme said:

I absolutely loved your descriptions and use of language! It kept me interested and over all I think is such an amazing story :)

Keep up the good work ^_^ -Ambre

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about 4 years ago Pvcwrites said:

it is rly good :D

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about 4 years ago book.coffee.autumn said:

It's was very beautiful! I loved how you compared the moon with a girl.the description was very pretty

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about 4 years ago ♪Erika♫ said:

I like this a lot! It's very well-written and you have a very cool and original concept here. I spotted a few grammar errors, but other than that great job! I think this could be made into something bigger if you wanted it to. :)

Reviews(5)

Aw, cute

about 4 years ago May Jones said:

Hey, Alice! So, I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday, so I'm just a tad loopy still. Hopefully this review still helps... >.<

"...bathing me in [its] eerie glow." Also with this sentence, I feel like a better word than "eerie" could be used, or maybe you could say something like "eerily beautiful", seeing as you go on to describe its glow as a lovely thing.

The last two sentences in the first paragraph strike me as a little awkwardly structured. Perhaps you could rephrase one of them so their structures aren't so similar?

"...but it was still [chiseled]."

"...he replied[,] not taking the bait."

Hm... intriguing! I wonder what's going on and where Londen is going to take her...

""Then by the power vested in me, Luna, Goddess of the moon, transfer my powers to you."" Confusing sentence.

"[Its] strength was mine..."

"Without the moon being in power..." Another sort of awkward phrase.

""Luna, do you want any help?" a voice asked from behind me..." Since you've already introduced Londen and he's the only one with her, I would suggest ""Luna, do you want any help?" Londen's voice asked from behind me..." or something.

So, question: who is Londen, and how does he have the power to allow someone to become a goddess? Is he a god himself, or a messenger for the gods, or what?

This is a really cool story! I love the idea, even though it's kind of sad for the main character. I think that some more background on what's going on would be very helpful, but this piece shows a lot of promise. I love your descriptions and the idea of a moon goddess. Great work on this! :D

Whitetiger

about 4 years ago A.J. Cypher said:

‘The moon’s beam[s]’ this sentence could be condensed to ‘The moon’s beams bathed me in an eerie glow.’

‘rich golden glow’ do you think ‘rich golden’ is the best/most accurate way to describe it? In my experience, it’s a pale yellow, almost off white, or even silvery glow. Occasionally orangish.

‘I replied and raised my eyebrow teasingly’ with sentences like this, connected by an ‘and,’ I personally think they flow better when they’re written ‘I replied, raising my eyebrow teasingly.’ But that’s just a personal preference.

‘not taking the bait’ what bait? Her raising a teasing eyebrow? Not sure how that’s really bait, and what exactly it’s supposed to be bait for.

‘Londen asked me suddenly and held out his hand for me to take’ this is another sentence like the one I mentioned above. ‘Londen asked me suddenly, holding out his hand for me to take.’ Again, personal preference.

“been brought here to bestow upon you the power of the moon.” This sounds awkward. I think it’s a tense thing… Or wording. Try “have been brought here to have the power of the moon bestowed upon you.”

‘filled me [as] the realization that I’

“What?!” soo this multiple punctuation thing always comes across as immature to me. Also, if you were to publish this, you’d have to pick either the ? or the !. Not to mention, if it just said “What?” with just the ?, it’s clear that she says it as an exclamation because of the flow of the sentence and the ‘I screamed.’

‘It[s] strength was mine.’

‘and it’s weaknesses were too’ – it’s = its

So after Luna becomes the goddess, I think it would be nice to have some more of her emotions and thoughts in regards to this. We don’t know much about her history, and this could be a good time to show some of it. Is she a teenager, leaving a family behind? A young woman with a boyfriend and a cat? How is this goddess thing changing her life, aside from the obvious?

So we get that she’s really upset about all of this, but why? I’m a little unclear about what being the moon goddess entails that’s so terrible for her. Can she not leave that spot? Is she forced to leave when it becomes daylight (even on days when the moon is still visible in the sky, or does she got to the other side of the world with the moon, or what?)

I think this is a very interesting story, but that it could use some more detail and explanation to flesh it out. I really enjoyed it overall!

In answer to your question on my page, in return, if you could please read whatever chapter is next from where you left off on The Underground. I think it’s CH. 3. Thanks!