Comments(10)

Dream catcher

over 3 years ago MJ said:

I like your writing style. Write more?

Kerrrrrr

almost 4 years ago Kerrington Hood said:

I found that there was a lot of telling rather than showing. Stuff just happened and I didn't really feel anything. I love the start I feel as if this is going somewhere. The ending is intriguing!

Screen shot 2015-03-01 at 8.04.27 pm

almost 4 years ago Catherine Nevin said:

This story has a lot of potential, and I think you should continue it. There are a few places in the first chapter I think you should read aloud to make sure they sound like real speech, but other than that nice work!

~Catherine

Imag0156

almost 4 years ago Adrianna Waters said:

This was very entertaining to read! I really liked it. Your main character is relatable, which makes the story more enjoyable. Possibly give a little more background to Shelly, unless that's coming later. Well done! :)

Reviews(1)

Flower- forgetmenot

over 4 years ago This is my childhood said:

I’m sorry if this is an issue, but my reviews focus mainly on grammar mistakes rather than plot. I read through for mainly that stuff, but this time around, I’ll read again for plot.

Chapter 1

“Shelly, quit.” After this sentence, you need to separate the rest into another paragraph.

Tossing her hair into a ponytail. Tossing doesn’t seem like the appropriate adjective for this. Try pulling, or gathering.

“Los Angeles, she’s going to be…” should be “Los Angeles; she’s going to be…” They’re two different sentences.

I wasn’t really sure what you meant by masked until you added on the ending of the sentence. Again, another word might work better here, such as raccoon-ringed.

“She always thought she was too good to be a waitress,” I laugh. Should be “She always thought she was too good to be a waitress.” I laugh, unless you meant it as she’s laughing as she says it. If that’s the case, then it’s okay.

“I thought I’d take an extended break today; I had some…” instead of, “I thought I’d take an extended break today, I had some…” Again, semi colon instead of comma is needed.

I think that there’s something quite unsaid in the sentence, “I tried to quit once, now I limit myself to half a pack a day.” Try, “I tried to quit once, but I failed, so now I limit myself to half a pack a day.” Or something of this nature.

“Ay Ay Cap’n.” should be “Ay, ay Cap’n.”

There are multiple mistakes in this one. “Now, take these to booth three. Those people have been waiting…”

I think in, “… but it doesn’t hurt to look pretty once and awhile.” should be, “…but it doesn’t hurt to look pretty once in a while.” You got the expression wrong.

“That’s the one thing I still have, I’ve always been good looking.” should be, “That’s the one I thing I still have; I’ve always been good looking.”

“Welcome to Brookston, you’re always welcome here.” To be proper, like in a real book and all that it should be, Welcome to Brookston. You’re always welcome here.

“This is where all the screw ups unite.” should be “This is where all the screw-ups unite.”

“Hey Sydney, how’re things…” should be “Hey, Sydney, how’re things…”

“Oh yeah, lots of tourists.” should be “Oh, yeah, lot’s of tourists.”

“I say shaking my head.” should be “I say, shaking my head.”

“Well don’t talk so soon Syd, you never know.” should be “Well, don’t talk so soon Syd; you never know.”

“Yeah, I could go chase my dreams” should be “Yeah I could go chase my dreams.”

So… that’s all the corrections for chapter one. I’ll be back soon for to tackle chapter two. About the plot…

You have some good character development for Sydney so far. She gives us some details about her life and other people without overwhelming us. I like your writing style, but I feel like the plot isn’t going anywhere yet and that the only thing that might have some relevance is the fact that Shelly (who I don’t really know anything about, might be helpful to add some; such as who she was to Sydney and such) has moved out of town.

I look forward to what is coming up next.

-Elizabeth