The 7:23 Bus Home

The 7:23 Bus Home

1 chapter / 652 words

Approximately 3 minutes to read

Description:

Melanie has learned that insanity keeps her safe, even if she's only pretending. For the Imaginarium writing prompt #6, Monsters in my Head.

Comments(6)

Me 1963

almost 3 years ago Linda D said:

Racheal told me about this. She didn't give it away, so don't worry. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. Great twist at the end.

Rachael 01

almost 3 years ago R. E. Durbin said:

OH MY GOSH, THIS IS AMAZING!!!!! I didn't see that coming at all.

Below there be spoilers. BEWARE!

Holy cow, that was...I mean...wow, just wow. As I said above, I didn't see that ending coming. Not even a little. I was thinking that El was going to die or something like that. Not that Mel was actually insane. Man, that's just...I'm breathless just thinking back on it. I actually yelled out loud "Oh my gosh! I didn't see that coming!" My Mum asked me what was wrong and I told her I'd just read this amazing story, where I didn't see the ending coming because I was too into the story. Needless to say, we're both impressed, as I usually see where a story's going (95% of the time). *high fives* You, Miss, have a great talent here.

I'm so glad I decided to stop on over and read this. I can see why you're the Featured Fig this week. Congrats on that, by the way.

Keep up the great writing. :D

Bird cage girl

almost 3 years ago K.M. said:

Truly stunning. I am amazing at the story the fabricated and then the ending which left me speechless. I'd love to say what tore me apart the most, but I fear I will give away the ending. This piece is impressive not only in the writing, style, and voice, but as well as its emotion, depth, and story. I wish I could say more, but there is nothing else to say other than it was marvelous. I enjoyed this very much; absolutely breathtaking.

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about 3 years ago Catalina Othello said:

I love stories like this, making the protagonist feeling a little bit of warmth to their hearts from the deep freezes of the people around them. Nice work

Reviews(3)

29:01:2015 rwstriped

over 3 years ago Alyssa Carlier said:

Signed, Sealed and Delivered with Sarcasm from The Imaginarium~

This is a prize review for a contest a long, long time ago. Apologies for the delay. The following is only my subjective opinion, so feel free to disagree.

WARNING: The following review is extremely short because this was extremely good. Constructive criticism is not especially constructive or critical.

Okay, there are only two suggestions I have. First, towards the end, it's not very clear how long they chat with each other. Two nights? Two months? A year?

Secondly, the writing style isn't very emotive, which I think would make this even more heartbreaking. I really can't give concrete suggestions on this — it's up to you to decide whether what emotion you're going for, how you'd tweak this to make it better. I'd be happy to re-read this after you edit or give better suggestions once you decide on your direction.

Oh, and consistency nitpick: El wears "black dress shoes" cleaner than everyone else's, but can't afford a jacket. Seems like weird priorities to me. Of course, it's not really important.

Other than that, well. Melanie was a very sympathetic character, and I love the recurring question of how much is pretend and how much is real. El was a lovely plot twist. If you decide to expand this or write a sequel, I vote for Mr Walters to appear again. Yeah, okay, unhelpful. Great job!

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over 4 years ago lauren said:

I know you said the review was free, but I like giving to people if they give to me. So here goes, and I hope it helps.

What in the... wow. The ending.. Was just *shivers* amazing. I can't even.. write full on sentences because I'm like, "Wow.. Did that really just happen? I wish I could've came up with something like this." Uhm, wow. Best ending ever. Such a shock. :O

Though this is the part where I give criticism.

1.I don't like how you started off with dialogue. It makes the writing confusing, and it doesn't interest me to further continue with the story. Try describing the setting or the character. Or describe how when she talks, no one answers her. Make it something worth reading, so people will finish it.

2."..makes me feel alive" I feel this is a bit too mature of a little girl to say. How does this girl know what feeling "alive" is like? And how does she know that the feeling she gets is the feeling of being alive in a sense? I just think it really didn't fit well with her age. Maybe if you said, "It gives me a sensation (or "feeling" rather, as it seems a bit more her age) I can't quite understand." That would make it more realistic for a young girl to say.

3.You left a lot of details out other than the fact that El is insane. I know this was the whole point of the story, but I feel like if you would've added more details about the character, even if it's just a little, it'd help us to make the story more vivid.

Over all, this was amazing. I loved the imagery, just beautiful. Thanks again for the free review, and have a beautiful day!