A Bucket Full of Breakfast Thoughts

A Bucket Full of Breakfast Thoughts

1 chapter / 2743 words

Approximately 14 minutes to read

Description:


Winner of Project Figment Season 2 Prompt 1: Location Inspiration

I made a gif for this short story!

Felicity in the big city. Ha, it rhymes.

Genres:

Short Story, Romance

Comments(7)

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over 2 years ago Ashnika Sami said:

wow.

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over 2 years ago iggypop said:

I'm only partway through, but my initial reaction is quite positive. This is beautiful, evocative, and has me ready to miss deadlines to read more.

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almost 3 years ago Adrianne Etheridge said:

I really loved this. I especially liked how you kept the information about Felicity being sick until the end. It kept it from being too cliché.

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over 3 years ago Ashley C. Nicole said:

Wow, this was wonderful. I had a feeling that Felicity would have some sort of illness, because she was writing bucket lists and such. I like how you wrote this, almost in a snapshot sort of way. There's strings still loose, but they make this piece what it is. Fantastic job. I loved it.

Reviews(3)

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almost 3 years ago Monika Wakakusa said:

While this isn't a proper review, I just wanted to point out that your story was very good and that the previous review (below) is full of false information and personal opinions I hope you will disregard, especially when they are written in such a poorly written (full of grammatical errors itself) and condescending way.

Substantive editing and literary criticism do not equate "I don't like this/I would have written it some other way" -- which is what most of those "corrections" are. Please keep writing and don't take them to heart.

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-Personal opinion time: I feel like staying true to oneself isn’t really a bucket list thing.

There is no reason why someone who feels she has not always lived in a way that is true to herself to add it to her bucket list. Do not confuse personal opinion with grammar/editing.

-Right off the bat I’m sensing unlikely dialogue and some gag-worthy movie/novel magic. Nothing really makes people on a plane bond besides, [...] Taking about .8 round-trip flights per year, one being a six hour flight to Spain, and eight hours home from Italy just this July, I’d like to consider myself well-y educated in the basics.

Do not confuse personal opinion (and off-topic bragging) with grammar/editing.

-“maybe I was just slowly losing pieces of my memories.” It would sound a WHOLE lot better as “maybe I was just slowly losing my memory.” If you still want to have “pieces” in there, it would sound okay, but singularify that “memories.”

"Losing pieces of my memory" is correct; you do not have to change it to "losing my memory". ("Singularify" is not a word.)

-“Of course[,] I was equally stunned when he grinned.” First off, nix the comma I bracketed there. [...]For a better explanation on the comma, it adds a break that disrupts the natural flow of such an interjection-like sentence. Many people don’t traditionally read in the way that every comma indicates a pause, but technically, it should sound better if you leave it out. Oh, and same goes for “At first[,] I thought he was going to hug me,...”

It is not an interjection, and there is nothing wrong with the commas. Do not confuse personal preference with grammar/editing.

-Ew. Pet-peeve moment. I like my “said” after my “so-and-so.” Jimmy said. Said Jimmy just weirds me out. It’s gives the words a strange flow and that little twinge of emotion from the writer. [...] When you write “okay,” said Sally, it feels wrong. Just ew. Don’t. Please. Ever.

Do not confuse personal preference with grammar/editing. There is nothing wrong with either "X said" or "said X".

-“my favourite barista in New York, and(,) for the most part, it wasn’t...” Okay, so one more comma in there. “for the most part” is an interjection, and it needs to be surrounded in the commas regardless of the fact that there’s one there for “and.” As for the barista part, does that have a male counterpart? I feel like it should... I think if I was a male coffee-maker, I’d want to have a less feminine-sounding title... Well, research that for me, okay? Kay.

"For the most part" is not an interjection. It functions as a adverbial clause here, and that comma is optional. "Barista" refers to servers of either gender. I would not trust a reviewer who could not spend 2 seconds on fact checking.

-“his face was close enough[, perhaps] for me to dump my drink on him.” I feel like you don’t need the perhaps. It’s a little awkward, to be honest. If you’re enamored with it, add a second comma after perhaps to be grammatically-sound.

The "perhaps" is a matter of personal preference. Adding a comma after it not only does not make it better grammatically, but distorts the meaning.

-“go catch a movie[,] or[,] you know, do stuff together.” Commmmmmaaaaas

In formal grammar, these commas are a matter of personal preference.

-you don’t need the comma between “pyramid” and “with coffee cups.”

The comma is fine.

-“There was nothing to explain, (and) especially not to him.” I like the and in there, but it’s up to you. Just a suggestion.

The addition of "and" would not be grammatical.

-“...even though I knew [well] what was waiting for me.” Get rid of “well” it’s really weird there.

Do not confuse personal preference with grammar/editing.

-In the sentence “Then, she comprehended the delicacy of the situation, and hesitated before continuing.” GET RID OF ALL COMMAS. It will sound SO much better! I promise!

The first comma is fine.

-As for the threatening with fries, I don’t like it. I think it sets a playful mood where we had a touching/sad moment. Replace that little snippet with something like her heart racing or a pit in her stomach. Something les random. This is not time for laughing.

Do not confuse personal preference with grammar/editing.

-“...we talked about everything from politics to science...” Nix that comma between “everything” and “from”.

The reviewer obviously didn't read the full sentence. Keep the comma.

-“...confining me [to] the walls of the hospital.” “in” doesn’t work like that, you need it to be “to”.

Change "in" to "within" and it works.

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over 3 years ago ⓂTheHalf-LightⓂ said:

Okay, so first off, you might not want to hear this, but I don’t like your title. It’s a bit jumble-y and long and strange and doesn’t reflect the thoughtful, almost sad mood of your story. I get the correlation and how it’s witty, but it doesn’t reflect your story’s tone as much as I feel it should.

The description is also lacking. It’s almost a joke compared the the story itself. I’d suggest changing it to better reflect on the story itself. You’ve reduced it to the most basic of basics, and it almost makes your story seem like it will be boring. (But it isn’t, so it shouldn’t.)

Again, I like the Lewis Carroll, but it’s not fitting! Word-wise, yes, there’s breakfast and believing things, but it’s a quirky, cute quote and it doesn’t feel right :(

First paragraph, combine the two sentences “There were simply not enough minutes... think about my life, so I did it... black coffee instead.” I know it’s long, but the part starting with “So, I” wasn’t a complete sentence. With that little second para(graph) part, I feel like it’s a tad out of place, like you got up, got a glass of water, sat back down, and had lost some of your mojo, y’know? Anyway, in the last sentence there you don’t need to comma between “...my own story” and “as long as I stuck...”

Personal opinion time: I feel like staying true to oneself isn’t really a bucket list thing. As I’m fairly sure you understand, bucket lists are things you *ahem* DO before you kick the proverbial bucket (die). Something like that mentioned above is more like a reminder, something you’d never finish until it’s too late to count the success, feel me?

Now it’s a totally cool and valid and nice opener for that section and all, but I felt I’d point that out. The other stuff seems manageably okay, so I’m letting it slide. Continuing!!

Right off the bat I’m sensing unlikely dialogue and some gag-worthy movie/novel magic. Nothing really makes people on a plane bond besides, like, I dunno, group efforts to remove the massive snake infestation. Serious stuff. Trust me now, I’ve been on plane rides where I’ve sat with perfectly nice-seeming people that I’d never met before, and we didn’t say more than a dozen words. Taking about .8 round-trip flights per year, one being a six hour flight to Spain, and eight hours home from Italy just this July, I’d like to consider myself well-y educated in the basics.

First off, calling the chick you sat next to on the flight “miss” is strange. Especially if you’re sitting next to a New Yorker. Or a human American being. Basically. Nix that bit, and it’d sound so much better and less weirdo-alert. Also, looking back, I figure she came from England, right? So there’d be customs and if they were a citizen and foreigner, they’d have been split up into different lines. (I last went through JFK customs six weeks ago. Fresh memories. I liked the fact that the ad on the tv was so stereotypical-American and that the guy stamping my passport was English speaking.)

So, continuing with my ranting wisdom, I find it cute though unlikely that there’d have been a conversation between the two and that it’d be about something as awesomely amazing as corgis. Most people (even me) just plug into some music or the on-flight movie and snooze off the hours. Heathrow to JFK would be about a five to six hour flight, and while it seems like a lot of time to get to know someone, it’s more like a lot of time to feel awkward sitting next to a stranger.

It’s a cute little detail, but kinda unlikely. Sorry. After that, too much facial expressions going on. Kill the eyebrow twitch and you’re golden. Also, that is so cheesy. “It’s New York.” Trust me, that’s totally wrong, lol. I’ve seen people lugging seven suitcases as hardcore New Yorkers. Yes, NYC has that tough appearance sometimes, but everyone needs at least a change of clothes and deo. Like, really, six hours of sitting and you’d be itching for a change, trust me!

“tangled mess of skyscrapers” --Good line! Really love the idea it paints both of the perspectivist and of the city.

(Last I checked they don’t loop movie trailers on ads... Maybe in Times Square, and maybe a moving ad or a still one, but not full-blown trailers... Not that I’ve ever seen... And there are so not that many commercials and ads going on diversely. It’s mostly clothes, technology, high-end stores, plays, and tourist-trap restaurants that play ads. Other than that it’s like strange drinks on the sides of buildings and, like, balloons flying over Yankee Stadium. Not glorious, really. I mean, well, there’s signs for stores and some stuff, but trust me, finding stuff is still hard. Finding good sushi near Penn Station took FOREVER.)

Again, when mentioning the vastness of neon lights, remember that it’s mostly in tourist spots, and fades as you leave Manhattan and get towards Brooklyn (the most likely residential area for someone who isn’t rolling in the dough). Yes, local 24/7 shops would probably have some lights, but nothing that good curtains can’t kill. The noise is a legit issue though. Dies a bit, but can really suck.

What’s up with starting a sentence with “Because” and then not making it a full sentence... and what “that” don’t NYers have time for? Other than that, good finish. A little disconnected from the start of that section, but good. Starts us off. Sets the scene/mood. I likey, I likey.

(This next intro makes me think she’s a total cutter, lol. Is that bad? Probably...)

First paragraph of that is pretty good. I think it could benefit from a little explanation of how she’s feeling about that moment. Is she nervous? Excited? Bored? Or is she 1000% insulted and disgruntled by it?

I love how her dad asks if he’s being set up. It’s so obvious these people are related. I think in the fire escape situation, “jump” would be the most effective word, rather than run. It’s more imaginative and gives a better mental picture. Also in this area, “dad” should be capitalized because you’re using it as a name. If you said “my dad,” you wouldn’t need to capitalize it.

When the chick here is thinking about fighting with her dad, she says (thinks), “maybe I was just slowly losing pieces of my memories.” It would sound a WHOLE lot better as “maybe I was just slowly losing my memory.” If you still want to have “pieces” in there, it would sound okay, but singularify that “memories.”

“Of course[,] I was equally stunned when he grinned.” First off, nix the comma I bracketed there. Also, I don’t like the fact that he grinned. It’s super weird. Maybe a less jokingly casual expression would work better here. For a better explanation on the comma, it adds a break that disrupts the natural flow of such an interjection-like sentence. Many people don’t traditionally read in the way that every comma indicates a pause, but technically, it should sound better if you leave it out.

Oh, and same goes for “At first[,] I thought he was going to hug me,...”

Then, about that grilled cheese, I think it would sound a little better and more natural to write “I just made some grilled cheese.” or “I just made grilled cheese.” It’s both believable and makes more sense with why she’d go inside. Who’d want to sit and watch a guy eat grilled cheese? Super weird. If he’d make her one, it would be better.

Ew. Pet-peeve moment. I like my “said” after my “so-and-so.” Jimmy said. Said Jimmy just weirds me out. It’s gives the words a strange flow and that little twinge of emotion from the writer. Yes, I get that feeling from the way you pick words and pace things that you can write giddily or maybe with an obvious break where you got up and came back later, etc. When you write “okay,” said Sally, it feels wrong. Just ew. Don’t. Please. Ever.

“my favourite barista in New York, and(,) for the most part, it wasn’t...” Okay, so one more comma in there. “for the most part” is an interjection, and it needs to be surrounded in the commas regardless of the fact that there’s one there for “and.” As for the barista part, does that have a male counterpart? I feel like it should... I think if I was a male coffee-maker, I’d want to have a less feminine-sounding title... Well, research that for me, okay? Kay.

Oh, and character-wise, Tyson says everything perfectly. Your MC is flawed. Obviously, but he comes off effortlessly perfect. Jussaying.

I have to point out a beautiful line here: “...because I did stupid things when I was around Tyson.” I love it. Period. It’s so what love is about and what it does to you. So pretty. Love it!

“his face was close enough[, perhaps] for me to dump my drink on him.” I feel like you don’t need the perhaps. It’s a little awkward, to be honest. If you’re enamored with it, add a second comma after perhaps to be grammatically-sound. See what I said above about interjections.

When Tyson says “Well played,” I don’t think anything about it was well played. At all. It sounds nice, but really it doesn’t fit. Try something like “I try,” or “Got me there.” Something that makes more logical sense in the flow of a conversation. To get a better idea of what I mean, read just the quotations out loud.

“go catch a movie[,] or[,] you know, do stuff together.” Commmmmmaaaaas

“...all we could ever be: a casual, flirting, non-dating couple.” Go for that. It’s grammatically better and reads easier.

“I blurted, taking us both by surprise.” This, during her rejection, sounds MUCH better than the garble you currently have. It flows better, and gets to the point a little quicker.

“...stuff going on tomorrow[,] too.” You need that comma before “too” it’s just how English works, apparently. Makes one of those nice pauses. (Or something.) However, you don’t need the comma after “at that rate” just after that above section.

Then the narration becomes a little too thought-filled. “Besides from being so hard to forget...” starts to be more like a thought than a narration note. If you still want it, put it in italics on a new paragraph break, maybe adding an ellipsis at the end (...).

The thought she had in process there before Tyson ran off is very interesting. Tying loose ends? Interesting foreshadowing. I like the pyramid of coffee cups, but you don’t need the comma between “pyramid” and “with coffee cups.”

“There was nothing to explain, (and) especially not to him.” I like the and in there, but it’s up to you. Just a suggestion.

The sentence after that, though, gets waaayy too jumbled up. Try to clean it up by making it “He wasn’t my boyfriend, and one day I’d just be somebody he used to know.” It’s much easier to read, and far less confusing. Then your tenses get confused. Go for “...just a memory that he’d remember once in a while when he looked back at his life.” I think it’s better, but tenses still get the best of me from time to time.

“I wrote down the words that I would’ve never been brave enough to say to anyone, let alone him.” Tense again, but after that, make a paragraph break before “I love you” for further emphasis. And, BTW, super cute!

When she says she “left without saying goodbye,” get rid of the following comma. It messes with the flow of such a strong line.

On a plot-related note, I don’t get how she thinks that would spare his feelings, lol. That’s, like, crushing news to just leave on a napkin and then dart. It’s a nice line, but might need to be re-reasoned.

“...even though I knew [well] what was waiting for me.” Get rid of “well” it’s really weird there.

“All of them were from Mum.” Don’t forget to capitalize that because you’re using “mum” as a name for her.

“And I was always too angry at her to be [a] good daughter.” There’s t00 many her’s in there, so making the last one “a” creates more clarity.

Again, capitalize “Mum” when you’re using it as a name rather than saying “my mum.”

In the sentence “Then, she comprehended the delicacy of the situation, and hesitated before continuing.” GET RID OF ALL COMMAS. It will sound SO much better! I promise!

*cough cough* Again with the mum/Mum thing. Get to fixing that!

Capitalize “what” in “what are you trying to prove?”

“Look[,] Mum, I have to go now.” That’s a comma you need.

AW! And the end of that piece is really touching! I think it sets a sense of urgency to the story that we didn’t realize was there before. Brilliant.

Argh super-cute Tyson moment as he walks in! One thing: “He’s a tough competition.” Drop the “a” and consider making “competition” “competitor.” That’s all :)

As for the threatening with fries, I don’t like it. I think it sets a playful mood where we had a touching/sad moment. Replace that little snippet with something like her heart racing or a pit in her stomach. Something les random. This is not time for laughing.

“any comment on that matter[.] Not that it stopped him from looking at me with [the] prying eyes of Sherlock Holmes.” Break that into two sentences and add the “the” you forgot in there :)

“...my limbs suddenly lost their [ability] to function.” Moving around isn’t a skill per-say as much as it’s an ability. Fix it.

By “tissue,” have you meant “napkin”?? Tissue makes me think of snot rags rather than the things you can cutely write love notes on. Jussayin’.

“[At] that moment, I decided on one thing: I [would] never tell him I [have] terminal cancer.” It’s such a powerful sentence, and the tenses are a little hard to figure out, but this is what I think sounds the best and most powerful.

“...we talked about everything from politics to science...” Nix that comma between “everything” and “from”.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” [h]e asked while we walked out of McDonald’s. (Lowercase “He” here)

“...confining me [to] the walls of the hospital.” “in” doesn’t work like that, you need it to be “to”.

“...the luxury of death[.] Instead[,] they were afraid.” Make a new sent. for that piece. Add the comma.

Overall, this is an amazing piece that is such a successful story in many aspects. The tenses here get jumbled a bit, and you had some strange wording/bad comma use from time to time, but as is, it’s far from awful. Closer to brilliant, I’d say. I was really happy to read this for you, and I’m glad you were a patron of The Whole World or Nothing. Feel free to come back whenever you need anything!

With love, KH.