Vulgar Chivalry

Vulgar Chivalry

1 chapter / 918 words

Approximately 5 minutes to read

Description:

a vulgar comedy about life from high school till adult hood.

Genres:

Comedy, Romance, Novel

Comments(19)

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Reviews(3)

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over 4 years ago Jake Docker said:

The reviewers are right. Put bluntly, your grammar is all over the place, your descriptions are clumsy and heavy-handed, you switch between present and past tense, and your characters don't have any real character. My advice is to listen to the other reviewers, then pick up a published book and take note of the author's use of description, structure, grammar, and how they build characters. Tip: you don't want to dump everything important about a character on the reader the second they open your story. Do it slowly. It might take a chapter. It might take five. It might take the entire damn novel, but when I promise it'll be worth it. One last thing: I don't know much about American schools, but since all the students in that gym hall are probably the same age as Derrick, you're making all your readers imagine the more private part of an fifteen-year-old girl's anatomy. And then you create a protagonist that's also a pervert. You might want to re-think that. Sorry for being so negative. I don't like being that way, but then I don't like giving useless feedback either. But despite the criticism, your story did make me laugh. Thanks.

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over 4 years ago v.c. snow said:

Okay, I found this to be, somewhat degrading to women... The use of "tits" and "boobs" all the time, the teacher saying it was okay for Derrick to stare at a girls "tits" was okay, and that the girl got in trouble for slapping him was highly unrealistic. First of all, the teacher wouldn't announce that in front of the class, he would have a meeting with the two students, and I honestly don't think he would side with Derrick. And he would use the words "breasts" not "tits". He's a teacher, not a 16 year old boy. I would understand the whole "women are just a piece of meat" thing (which is what this feels like to me) if this was in Derrick's point of view. But, since this is in the narrator's point of view, is just seems wrong. Also, why does Lanna suddenly get all horny?

I honestly don't know where you're planning on taking this. In a way, if it was less "dickish" (sorry for the language) I could see this as a "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" type of thing except geared more for teenagers, which could actually be quite funny if done right. So, what I would like to see in the following chapters, is make it less vulgar, if you get what I mean, and more awkward and funny with less "sexual" jokes. The sexual jokes doesn't make the piece funnier, just grosser to read.

Also, you need a lot more line breaks. And when characters are talking, you need to space it out better. Like instead of "Hi," he said. "Hi," she said. Do this:

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," she said.

Get me? That's the proper way to write dialogue, that way the sentences and paragraphs flow better so it's not such an eyesore to read.

I'm sorry I was so negative. :/ I don't like writing negative reviews like this. I do want the constructive criticism to help you though, because this could be a hilarious and heart warming story. Keep on writing! :)