6 chapters / 5272 words

Approximately 26 minutes to read


There are Gems, there are Protectors, and there are hunters. However, the Gems are not just ordinary stones...they are people with extraordinary abilities.
┬ęCopyright 2013


Adventure, Novel, Fantasy



about 4 years ago Evangeline Rielly said:


over 4 years ago Yana Kozukhin said:

I will write a complete review shortly, I just don't have time at the moment.


over 4 years ago Yana Kozukhin said:

This was great! The characters are interesting, the whole world they live in is very creative, it gets very exciting very quickly, and you really have a way with words. My only criticism is that you introduced a lot of characters very quickly in the beginning, which I personally found a little confusing, but maybe that's just me. Fantastic work!

Beautiful world

over 4 years ago Alexia Fornah said:

I just adore the names you gave to your characters. They are so unique. really cool idea you have here. Keep On Writing :)



about 4 years ago Someone said:

Please note that this is my opinion and my opinion only. It's your story, not mine, and you do not have to listen to what I say here.


Grammar-wise, you mostly had dialogue tag issues. Other than that, there were maybe five or six simple proofreading mistakes that didn't really detract from the story. The dialogue tag mistakes, though, were prevalent enough that I couldn't focus on the dialogue itself. Occasionally, you had plurality errors, but those were very minor. You also had a couple misplaced modifiers. One minor thing: spell out numbers instead of typing them as numbers. Numbers can break the flow.

Also, in your dialogue tags, you tend to use words other than 'said' and 'asked'. Be careful about that. Do you want the readers to focus on what the characters are saying or how the dialogue is being said? If the former, use 'said' or 'asked'. If the latter, use more descriptive words.

The distinction between the Gems, the Zylnaeia (did I spell that right?), the Royals, etc. wasn't very clear. I also didn't really understand the eye-color-changing thing. Why the Gems called Gems? How do the Zylniea come into all of this? How are the Zylniea different from Gems, exactly? How are the powers created? Are the powers passed down through generation, or are they given by some other, mysterious force? If the former, then how come Keket doesn't have a (vague) idea of Nicholas's abilities?

Your character's more subtle reactions occasionally need work, especially the side characters (the soldiers, the guards). I didn't have a clear idea of Evelynn's, Siara's, or Nicholas's personalities. Keket's personality only became defined with the lightning vs soldiers chapter. Kendra's personality isn't defined, either. Shasta, Nexus, Seth, Echo, and Keket are lovely.

Remember, the reactions of characters develop the personality more than simple description can. However, character's relationships/reactions to other characters can develop the personality more than simple reactions to events can.

I found some of the dialogue strange. For example, the sisters call each other "sister," which is odd, especially since there's more than one sister. (In the same line, as there is more than one sister, try not to overuse 'she'.) The dialogue seems oddly formal, and Keket&Co used to steal, so that doesn't really fit together.

Try to flesh out your world a little more. Think of the 'why' more than the 'what'. How did your world become the way it is? Why did those events happen? How does the culture, influenced by the events, affect the world now? Once you get that down, start thinking about how to show those slight cultural differences in the story itself. That will make it more real. Remember, we are strangers in your world.

Although I say to show those events and cultures, make sure not to do what I call a thought-ramble, also known as an information dump.

Ex: __character_name____ remembered his/her history lessons from long ago/thought about how the world had changed.... __character_name____ jolted back to the present as...

Show, don't tell. Try to limit your 'to be' verbs (am is are was were being been be). These verbs almost force you to tell instead of show. A little telling is fine, but you do need to show more.

Your detail is a bit sporadic. Choose which places need the most detail and which places need less. Which scenes focus on dialogue? Delete detail there. Which scenes focus on action? Limit description, although you'll still need it. Which scenes serve more as filler than anything else? World-build.

Also, remember that one strong noun or verb is worth thousands of adjectives and adverbs. In some places, the perfect verb can replace the adverb next to it. Instead of 'grinned evilly,' how about 'smirked'? 'Sneered'?

So. That's my review.

Keep writing!


about 4 years ago Someone said:

Please note that this is my opinion and my opinion only. It's your story, not mine, and you do not have to listen to what I say here.

CHAPTER FIVE: Line-By-Line Review

'There was no need for such.' - This line breaks the flow and sounds awkward.

'lighted' is generally used more as an adjective, while 'lit' is used more as a verb. Neither is inherently more British/American, though.

Seth's voice quivers, but his words aren't afraid; they seem defiant.

'frame; [it] showed that the prisoner.'

You've given all of Seth's description at once. In general, it's best to scatter the description around.

Whoa, Shasta's his sister? Hm. Yeah, this would be a better place to introduce the fact that Shasta's a Gem.

Nexus initially called him Trataska. Then, he called him Seth. Stick to one, or give a reason for him to change.

'The guards shuttered' - You mean 'shuddered'?

'killing[,]" [he] continued.'

'glistering, white, false innocence' - Did you mean glistening? Or glittering?

'[he] yelled bravely.'

'"Silence!" [the] man'

'deaths!" [he] demanded'

'as she angered' should be 'as she was angered'

'enveloped their body' - 'enveloped their bodies'

'their expression quickly faded' - 'their expressions quickly faded'

'just a little girl!" [one] of'

'[she] begged, tears streaming'

She's begging for her life, and the only thing she can say in her defense is that she isn't a rock? How old is she? From the situation, it seems like she isn't confused about what's going on. I'd say maybe 10-12 range, from the dialogue so far. Clarify that, would you?

'A sinister smile...before pulling the other two in for a discussion.' - The smile pulls them in for a discussion? Misplaced modifier.

'Finally, they broke.' - 'Finally, they broke apart.' (For clarity)

'"Daddy?" [she] whimpered'

Wait, why didn't they offer this decision to any previous Gems? That doesn't make much sense. Also, if they've already decided to kill the other Gems, they wouldn't really consider sparing Shasta. I mean (real life strange example, I know), Hitler didn't hire any Jews to find and kill other Jews.

'dream[,]" [he] said'

What. I guessed that she was 10-12. That must be wrong. No 10-12 yr old would grab a knife by the blade. Or be so easily convinced that it's all a dream. Yeah, she's not really at any age right now. Try to clarify that.

'[she] screamed. "Wake me up!"'

'"Shasta!" [he] cried'

'"Shasta[.]" Her mother choked down her tears[.] "I'm'

'[she] yelled in pain'

Holy sh*t. I did not see that coming. That last part was... intense, to say in the least. Actually, this whole chapter is probably my favorite. Here is where your talent shines.

So. Next review is the overall, and then you can finally get back to editing this story, hm?