Shattered

Shattered

21 chapters / 13206 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read

Description:

She Lost her father, Her Only family since her mom abandoned her when she was only a little girl. She doesn't talk to anyone now, she had many friends but none she wished to speak to anymore. Seventeen year old Adeline was different from others, nobody Suspected anything which explained her high school popularity, but she knew she was different from the way others saw her. On her way home from the gym one night, she is taken by a man, Peri, the Fallen angel that was sent to return her to a place no girl would ever want to experience.

Comments(11)

Tumblr

almost 4 years ago Kendall said:

I really liked this piece a whole lot. Great job

Mew

almost 4 years ago Summer Carter said:

I found the beginning slightly confusing but you quickly were able to make it all clear so it's okay. This is a lovely piece, and I think the cover is very inciting. Good job ^.^

50s5(2)

almost 5 years ago B. Blakmyre said:

Wow, great job. I've only read the first two chapters, but I think I'll have to come back and read more. The beginning sucked me right in and your descriptions really grounded me to the scene. The emotion is very real.

Blue butterfly piano

about 4 years ago SOH said:

Wow, I've got to say, I love what you did at the end of the first chapter, that was really shocking and sad. Just, wow. Your descriptions were great too. Excellent job!

Reviews(2)

5c4cb44682091358b2f2e121019397a1

about 4 years ago Trail of Glitter said:

Overall, I liked this piece. Like any other reviewer, I will give you the good...and the bad. And like every writer, there are things we need to work on!

The Good:

I loved your descriptions and imagery. The characters were described so wonderfully and beautifully, and it amazes me so much! The emotions were raw, and you kept me on edge the whole entire time! I only read the first three chapters, but they were very, very good!

The Bad-ish:

I felt like you needed to work on your grammar; there were mistakes in punctuation that I think are self-explanatory. Also, I agree with October Blu, your paragraphs seem a bit too long; split them up according to topic and dialogue (who's speaking at the moment, who's doing what). Also, you need to elaborate on the first two paragraphs of the first chapter. I didn't know what was going on. And I get that you want to create an atmosphere of mystery, but there's difference between that and just confusing the reader.

Overall, I love love love this piece. It kept me on edge, it enthralled me, it amazed me--and I don't often say that. I'm a very honest commenter/reviewer, but I try to be helpful. So, saying this, I hope I wasn't being to harsh with this review. I just want to help you become a better writer--not saying you aren't, but you need to work on some things...like EVERY writer does. Even the most amazing author has to work on his/her work. If they didn't, they wouldn't need editors!

Cheers!

--Glitter

Image

about 4 years ago October Oblivion said:

With the time constraints of school--this is the only time I have a computer and Internet--I have only been able to read the first two chapters. But the only critiques I have with this so far would be grammar and punctuation, because, character-wise, you have effortlessly exhibited lovely, kind, and realistic characters. Bernard and Mal seem to be the best, and I can empathize completely with Adeline--having lost my father. I adored that. In the second chapter, wheneer you wrote, "Bernard and Mal had taken me in after the accident, they never had a child, well morea long the lines of Bernard not being able to produce babies making it so they never had a child and adopting was just too stressful for them to take on." That's the only sentence that really stood out completely and stopped me as needing total revision. It's a bit too wordy and doesn't flow well. Instead, writing something among the lines of "Bernard and Mal had taken me in after the accident; they never had a child, because Bernard was sterile, and adoption was far too stressful for them to consider." Maintain your voice, for you have a great voice, but just small revisions, like I wrote above, would help you out! Experiment with dashes and semi-colons, and as I said, maintain your great voice! It was a lovely read so far!