A prologue

A prologue

1 chapter / 1380 words

Approximately 7 minutes to read

Description:

Prologue with no story. Will I write one to it? I don't know. What do you think?

Comments(8)

Image

about 3 years ago cassidy said:

WRITE A STORY THIS INSTANT

THIS INSTANT I TELL YOU

Ned

over 3 years ago The Time Traveller said:

Wow. wow, wow, wow. This is was very moving. You have captured the contemptible cruelty of the tormentors (for lack of a better term), but best of all you have unlocked the heroine's psyche and unleashed her panic and terror upon the reader; when she was about to jump, I'll admit that when tears began appearing in my own eyes.

There were a couple little things I spotted near the beginning, but on the whole, the prologue was very well written, not one sentence seeming like filler, not one word misused. And speaking of words, your adroit use of vocabulary made the piece extra fun to read.

"She threw herself backwards in his grasp and kicked him, hard." --- Is the comma used to imply a pause for emphasis? If so, the comma strikes *me* as a bit awkward. Consider rephrasing to something along these line: "...kicked him--hard." This may simply be my exhausted brain. XD

"A small, skinny man, that reminded one of a ferret looked around the door frame with unreadable eyes." --- The wording in this sentence is excellent.

"She cocked her head, straining to hear, anything really." --- The last two words also strike me as a little awkward. I know what you're meaning, but the clarity seems compromised. A possible rearrangement of this sentence could be: "She cocked her head and strained her ears to hear, something, anything." ... I have no idea if that did anything at all...

"A tentative hand reached for handle, shaking as if her hand had decided to divorce itself from her will." --- Nice wording here.

"She glanced back. Blood spattered across the pavement, blossoming like gruesome roses on a field of gray gravel, leading straight to her feet." --- Wow.

Excellent work, Aerin.

Seeking light

over 3 years ago Headintheclouds said:

Hmm...

Seems you and I both have a thing for metaphors and similes. I particularly like the reference to the snow-globe. Makes me wonder about her character and why she would think of it at that moment. What sort of history has she had with them?

Your writing is captivating and mysterious. There are a lot of Authors on Figment worth following and you are definitely one of them. I only have so much room on my email and so I have to carefully consider. Usually, I follow those I communicate with most (basically my most reliable friends on figment): there's work on both ends. They read/edit my stories and I do the same for theirs. If you're interested in trying it out, let me know and I'll add you to... *drum roll* the 'list' :p

Whatever you decide, please know that your work is truly enjoyable. You've got talent kid ;)

Screenshot_2017-02-18-15-19-10

over 3 years ago Ninja Reader Aerin said:

EliAna said: You're very welcome! It was a well-written piece— the style, the word choice (had to look up "hoyden"-good word indeed!), the definition in the characters for such a short piece. The line "His voice was sure, quiet, as in control of the situation as if he held the whole situation in a snow globe" really jumps out at me: it gets the point across in an ingenious and vivid way. So does the phrase, “a hunted young wildcat entrapped.” The fact that she’s saved at the end (at least, she seems to be saved—but plot twists do occur from time to time and appears can deceive) fits the story well, somehow. I don’t think it’d feel as resolved if it had ended differently. As far as criticism goes, the only thing I can think of is a misplaced comma*, but the overall story is... well, I can’t say perfect because I’m sure that no story written by us humans can be completely perfect, but it’s pretty close. *line ten or so--I think there needn't be a comma after "man," but I'm not certain.

Reviews(3)

The vampire diaries

about 3 years ago Shammi said:

Very nice story. Perfect the way it is.

~Shamina

Me

almost 4 years ago Lauren Gunter said:

This was really, and I mean really, well written,your vocabulary is great, I mean hoyden, staccato, inquisitively? They really add to your writing. The only part I would change is the part where she was going to throw herself off, that's just wrong for this. After such a captivating start, you really ought to finish. And I will have you know that this is an honest opinion, not just compliments. ;)