Olli With An H

Olli With An H

15 chapters / 26230 words

Approximately about 2 hours to read

Description:

(Updating extensively halted as of 5-26-14. Read at your own risk)
Holland Gray has many titles. A devoted daughter, a gifted teen, an overall honest person, and most importantly, a dedicated friend to an aspiring singer. So when she finds herself being dragged into the battle of the bands in new york city; it clear that it wont take much to break her perfect bubble of self assurance.

Starting with an accidental mix up that lands her on stage with an aspiring boy band,a tiger mask and a new title, Olli with an H. Though humiliating and eye opening at the same time, this is only the beginning of the Holli's journey of freedom, love, and true self-discovery.
****************************************************************
I purposely mixed up the many different music genres on here to get a good diverse set of songs for you guys. Check them out, they are all different but all pretty awesome!

Genres:

Writing, Romance, Novel

Comments(22)

_mg_2877s

over 3 years ago Krystal Fragoso said:

I really like the idea so far. The way you began was very unique. The only critique I had was the commas every now and then. There weren't enough to take away from the story and they're very easy to fix. The character interaction felt real and flowed. Very nicely done.

Screenshot_2017-02-18-15-19-10

almost 4 years ago Ninja Reader Aerin said:

Ty*

Screenshot_2017-02-18-15-19-10

almost 4 years ago Ninja Reader Aerin said:

Holland is awesome. XD I'm seconding meg. And Tu and Reid are awesome. This whole thing is hilarious and adorable. And I've been leaving you crap comments... :P :( sorry...this book deserves so much more...

Limo

about 4 years ago meg said:

I love Brice and Quinn so, so much. They are basically the most hilarious thing ever.

Reviews(3)

Tumblr_m235ywbry81r36a0uo1_500

about 4 years ago Ivana Elliot }i{ said:

Haha, your main character is funny! I would like to be friends with her! I also love her name. I think your idea is good, if not extremely original. I only read your first chapter, because I don't have very much time. At times, it is unclear of which character is talking. I also think your main characters need a teeny bit more physical description. I like the music input in the book. From reading the comments other people have left, it seems that the book gets better as it goes along. I would assume that also. Your first chapter did not grab me as it has the potential to do so. The one thing that would keep me reading would be Holland's hilarious comments. Much luck, and happy writing! Ivana

Me2

about 4 years ago Scookie said:

Hey, cheers for posting on my blog. Like I promised, I’ll critique your opening chapter.

This has a lot of teen energy. YA audiences will be able to relate to this very easily, and it seems like a fairly original premise so far.

You’ve missed quite a bit of grammar. I’m guessing you have a few blind spots, so I’ll pick out examples and hopefully fill you in. Let me know if anything doesn’t make sense.

Ohemgee – Something more standardised would read better. ‘Oh my god’ ‘O.M.G.’ It kinda looks like a spelling mistake – I had to read it twice to get it, and that’s never great.

Will you please – Who is saying this? There’s no tagline, and it’s not connected to anyone in particular. Is it the same as the first speaker, same as the narrator, or someone else? The meaning of the sentence depends on who says it, and right now it’s ambiguous.

[Instead] I reverted my eyes to a – It would be better to move the ‘instead’ to the front of the sentence. This helps with the ambiguity of whose speaking, but there also shouldn’t be a comma after it where you’ve placed it. At the front of the sentence, you can have the comma if you think it makes it easier to read.

Playing on the lawn. Heavy combat boots – This should be a new paragraph. You’ve jumped topic from the guys playing instruments to people walking around. I was expecting you to describe the instrument players in more detail and really think you should add in a line about them before moving on. Who are they? Why are they playing instruments? The imagery of those who are doing the trampling is good, but what about the guys?

Inch of this venue – if they are in the venue, then it should be ‘inch of the venue’. ‘this’ is used in speech, not narrative. Despite being in first person, this isn’t written in present tense and that’s what matters.

It was bad enough that they could – who is they? The sneakers by the sound of it, but that doesn’t make sense. Say who you’re talking about.

it was bad enough that they could sit on the filthy ground – it was bad that they were able to do that? Surely it’s bad that they *had* to do that. Change it to ‘it was bad enough they had to sit ‘. If I’ve got the wrong idea, it’s because the wording is very confusing. I’m still unsure who is being referred to.

The fact that one of them actually was laying a – the fact one of them was laying a (if you want ‘actually’ in there, it needs to go before ‘laying’ not ‘was’, but again, narrative is different from speech. ‘actually’ is unnecessary. It’s good that it had a colloquial tone to it, but written word is different from spoken).

I, Holland Gray[,] never gagged – need a comma either side of the name. Gagged; along with other things – the second half of the semicolon isn’t a full sentence. Therefore you can’t use a semicolon. But it’s strange wording again. I think you mean ‘among other things’ although it’s not quite how the phrase is used. It would probably be better to lop that bit off entirely, and have ‘never gagged’ as the end of the sentence. That way, it would be a powerful declarative. Good line btw.

She gasped – who is ‘she’? Give a name and mention what/who she’s talking about. I’m guessing the band, but hint to it more by writing something like ‘she hadn’t take her eyes off of the lead guy’s guitar/base/trumpet/triangle since they started playing’. This type of sentence doesn’t directly say what’s happening, but implies she’s talking about the band. By the way, what kind of band? Say what the instruments are because they could anything.

Free!” she gasped for air when she finished exclaiming – this isn’t a tagline because it doesn’t actually refer to how the dialogue is said, but an action that happened after it. Therefore ‘she’ needs to be in uppercase because it’s a new sentence. ‘Free!” She gasped for air...’

Yeah well[,] that guy won’t

Exposure[,]” I said – taglines need to be formatted with a comma, not a full stop.

My best friend [was] swooning at – needs was to complete the clause.

Quinn – Think there’s a copy and paste error. Is this supposed to be a new paragraph?

Mine; [it was] my punishment for staring – again, you need a full sentence after a semicolon. I’ve added in two words to complete the sentence so that it works.

Sensation of a torrent of butterflies – try to avoid repetition of little words, or using too many in one clause. Try to put it in a straightforward manner: ‘feeling a torrent of butterflies attacking my stomach’.

View[,] but I was still left – needs a comma as the sentence after it could be a sentence of its.

The avatar man – ok, you mentioned blue but I was confused. I think this needs more explanation.

Good description.

Uhm[,]” I stuttered.

Holland{,]” Quinn said for me

Meet you Holland[,]” he said

Kassidy.” [She] beamed – needs to be uppercase.

He took her hand – This line is great. You said it was a good one, and you were right.

Naked kid – is he really naked? Why isn’t there more reaction to this? And not only from Holland, but from the rest of the crowd. In my experience, a naked man in public gets a lot of attention.

Yours too[,]” he said, grinning.

My head off[,]” Quinn said

That means[,] technically, I lied to my parents /OR/ That means I technically lied to my parents

Nice bit of plot developing.

I sighed[,] opening my mouth

Herself[,]” Quinn said

I waved her comment off[.] “I’m not – I’m going to stop pointing this out. I think you’ll get the idea. If you don’t or feel a bit confused, drop me a message and I’ll explain it in more detail.

Ok, great last line. Let me know if there’s anything you want to discuss or need more details on. Feel free to ignore anything I say too, if it’s not your cup of tea.

Cheers for reading my blog, and good luck with your writing.