The Wishing Jar

The Wishing Jar

2 chapters / 1282 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Genres:

Writing, Short Story

Comments(35)

Smiling_japanese_guy_by_liviusquinky-d4lllqn

5 months ago Tanuma Kuroyike said:

This is as beautifully written as it is painfully relatable. It reads like a dream, as if a hopeless child wishing for a change for a better tomorrow, but could nothing in his power. Feels like a suicide note, the desire to become out-of-touch with reality but could never find a way so is very well portrayed. Overall, this is a masterpiece that dwells into the subconscious of a human being, the insecurities and inferior mindsets of society. And usually human inner thoughts and emotions are hard to express in words, but you have done it excellently.

Smiling_japanese_guy_by_liviusquinky-d4lllqn

5 months ago Tanuma Kuroyike said:

This is beautifully written as well as it is painfully relatable in its entirety. It reads like a dream, like helpless child hoping for change, for a better world, but could do nothing within his power. You portray a person's subconscious very well, and inner thoughts and emotions are usually difficult to express, much more penned down. Overall, this is a poetic masterpiece, passionately written.

Mickey

5 months ago Ellie said:

I have to admit, I cried while reading this. It brought back a lot of old memories, but not in a bad light. I feel understood.

Thank you for writing this.

White

10 months ago Rave said:

Beautiful piece of writing! I can totally relate to the stuff about school you mentioned. Bullying, blank stares, empty walls...

yep.

Reviews(11)

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about 1 year ago Jesse said:

This is really really emotional. I loved it! You brought up some really interesting concepts, and pushed us in to a different perspective, and you didn't over indulge in any specific passage. Each passage was uniquely different but also tied together with the others perfectly. I also like how you used the pronoun "They" because it then can relate to anyone.

It was amazing, but I see it as more of a monologue. There is no emotion besides depression and loneliness, and I feel like the little grain of hope still there was still depressing. In other words, I saw no personality and if it were in a story, it wouldn't really hook me; it would make me feel sad and because the character was hopeless, it would make me feel that way and I would feel suffocated and have to put it down. But the writing itself was perfect, so I loved it. Very nice job.

Wp_20140814_001

almost 2 years ago The Library Elf said:

Notes:

- Nice opening.

- "pine over" - maybe "pine for"

- "and here they will be safe" - I like this detail and I feel it's important, but I also think it sounds a little clunky with the rest of the sentence. Try rewording that line maybe? Or finding a way to split it in two?

- "or just make them smile" - try "or simply elicit a smile"? I just feel at the moment it's a little bland. Also, you use the "smile" thing earlier in this paragraph - try and think of another expression of joy for one of the instances instead of smiling so it doesn't sound repetitive. Eye crinkling? Maybe?

- Overuse of "I [insert word here]" to start sentences during the first half of the second section. I get that some repetition works wonders sometimes, but I feel it's a little overdone in this instance and this somewhat lessens any effect it achieves.

- "I." - I thought this was a typo?

- "throughout the air" - I think "through" instead of "throughout"

- "warning others, yet there is not." - I feel this last clause deserves to be made into its own sentence.

- "to hold someone" - I think there is probably a word better suited to this than "hold". To prevent. To withhold. To prohibit.

- "reaching to my lonely corner" - I'd cut out the "to". I feel it's not necessary.

- "I blasted though my headphones" - through not though - typo mistake

- "What did they do? Who are they?" - rule of three - add a third question and I think this will sound better

- "and why I was here." - I would replace the and with a comma, but I could be wrong.

- "to protect me" - myself

- "Words, insults, I guess" - this sentence was a little confusing to follow. Maybe cut the "Words," and just start with "insults"?

- "has been constructed over 16 years?" - First of all, maybe change 16 to sixteen. Secondly, maybe reword this to something like "a suit of armour sixteen years in construction." ? I just feel it could be expressed a little neater.

- "Adults like to use..." - I would take a new paragraph for this.

- "good gone from our language as it does now" - awkward phrasing.

-"For surely,..." - this sound maybe end in a ?

- "no map, no guide to show you the way" - show you the way is redundant - map and guide say that already. I'd change it to "no map, no guide, no compass." Show you the way is unnecessary telling.

Overall:

- This is a really emotional piece and you convey it well. :)

- Most the stuff I found was little edits and my opinions, which you are fully entitled to ignore.

- Spacing. I get that you wanted the breaks to be larger than normal paragraph breaks because its more a series of thoughts, but the spacing felt a little too exaggerated to me. Try experimenting with the gap size maybe? This is more of a personal reading preference, so it probably doesn't bother most people.