The Christmas Jar

The Christmas Jar

1 chapter / 1110 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

PLEASE PUT SWAP REQUESTS OR BOOK REQUESTS ON PROFILE PAGE!

Dawn is just a little girl, but when her family fills up a jar with spare change, and take it to the bank, she has other plans with it.

Genres:

Writing, Short Story

Comments(24)

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over 3 years ago raindrop said:

so so sweet :)

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about 4 years ago Ella Jane said:

Great story!!!!!! :D (OMG my dad works at Wells Fargo!) Keep up the awesome writing.

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about 4 years ago J. Samuel said:

Wow! What a sweet story. I'm so glad that you recommended it on my wall. Great job!

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about 4 years ago SOH said:

I really liked this story. It was very kind and very sweet. Heart warming I suppose. You did an excellent job.

Reviews(8)

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about 4 years ago Ainsley Rose said:

This story is beautiful. The ending was just so kind, and heart-felt. I adore the title.

Critique. You obviously know how to write. From a reader's perspective, I will give you a few suggestions. Feel free to take 'em or leave 'em. :D

I'd suggest putting a bit more details in about the characters themselves. Right now I feel like I am only seeing the surface. Show how they act. Don't forget the twins! Even if the story is about Dawn, you added them in as characters so make sure you don't neglect them. Describe the characters uniquely. What makes them different than every other family out there? This will make readers more interested. Capture our interest right at the beginning.

You put a lot of emphasis on actions (what the parents were doing, strollers, etc.) My main suggestion would be to focus a bit less on what they are doing and more on who they are, if that makes sense. Within the first few sentences, give the reader a reason to care.

Your ending is beautifully done, but it will be so much powerful if we know more about who the characters are.

Maybe the family has financial trouble? Maybe Dawn is currently in trouble for doing something bad? Maybe Dawn has her heart set on a toy? Maybe the each member of the family has something they want for the money?

Those are just examples of how that would make it a more powerful sacrifice. I guess I am asking for a little more backstory. People are always saying CUT THE BACKSTORY but in this case I think just a little bit could make your piece 10x more powerful than it already is.

Hope this helped! This truly is great!

- A

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about 4 years ago Mitali Sharma said:

This is such a sweet yet simple story! The message was beautiful and it had this great voice. Beautiful piece!