Invisible Thorns

Invisible Thorns

8 chapters / 4917 words

Approximately 25 minutes to read

Description:

The amazing cover was made by Lauren Michelle!!! Natalia Hart can't remember anything about her past after she wakes up in a hospital. She isn't in any of the government's files, and shouldn't even exist. But when Natalia discovers the truth, she doesn't know what to do, but rebel.

Genres:

Writing, Dystopian, Novel

Comments(9)

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about 4 years ago Kia Alan said:

This is really good! It's feeling like a short story to me because of how small the chapters are. I would change the tag to short story instead of novel. But, that aside, this is really good and very imaginative. I would however like more detail. Your prologue is the best because of how mystical you made it and detail you gave it. I'd like to be able to connect with Natalia during the story like we did in the prologue but I'm not getting that.

However, like I said, this is a very nice story and I do love it. You're cover is fantastic too!

Ritsu

about 4 years ago S.J. Rivers said:

I like this story a bit, but the first chapter didnt really capture my attention O.o. But I like your writing style!

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about 4 years ago Laura Francis said:

I loved your word choice and the very idea itself. The one thing I did find though, was that quite a few of your sentences in the prologue contradict themselves. Like if your not anyone then why can you describe yourself? Just little things like that. Great job :)

Marcy_zpsbee52348

about 4 years ago luv2write4ever said:

You built up a lot of suspense. I really enjoyed reading it. You kept the prologue short and sweet, but incredibly well written. Amazing job.

(yeah, I felt like my last comment was too short.)

Reviews(1)

Snow-girl-wallpaper yus

about 4 years ago Lauren Michelle said:

[oh, before you read on, another thing you need to know about my reviews is the fact that they are 100% constructive and 100% OPTIONAL. While a lot is my opinion, much of my corrections, if I make any, are legitimate grammar rules that I don't make up. This of course in NO WAY means you HAVE to listen to a single word I say! If you don't like my reviews, please let me know and I'll stick to commenting on just the story itself from there on out and not the grammar. I just find it easier to find slight errors in something I've never read before than in my own writing, which is why I appreciate every bit of reviews out there that I can from new eyes that have never read my work before, if that makes sense, haha.

I just want to assist people in strengthening their writing as much as they can, because I strongly support every other aspiring writer out here in this world who are a lot like me :)and really short reviews never seem to help me.

That all being said, let's get to my firriest review for your book, shall we? It sounds so incredibly interesting, and after I made a cover for it, I'm intrigued even more!]

* * * * *

Prologue!

- Ooooo even the very first sentence has me intrigued. It sounds so dream-like, ya know? The only thing I would say is the fact that the common in between "someone, or anything" is not needed. :)

- I love your descriptive writing! It all sounds so poetic - I LOVE IT! Quick note, though. This isn't necessary, but I noticed that you have "drapes behind me" in one sentence and "flows behind me" in the next. This sounds slightly repetitive. I realize writers use repetition at times for emphasis and flow, and maybe that is what you intended, but it just sounded a bit awkward to me, if you know what I mean.

- I think you could replace the comma after "this world seems to never end" with a hyphen, or perhaps you could even use a period instead and create two separate sentences :) Whatever you decide to do, the comma you used is too weak for the sentence. It's a "comma splice." - hmmm…. you know, I notice you add many commas where they are not needed. Believe me, I had this exact same issue, and I'm still struggling to fix all of my own errors. I won't comment on all of them here, but if you want some more help with correct comma usage/placement, this website provides all the basic rules and even examples!

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp

Hahaha sorry, I'm a total grammar nut and love learning new things to help improve my writing.

okay, commas aside, let me continue reading. :)

- "The dress I was created in." She was created? Ohhh that immediately got my attention! It definitely makes me want to continue even faster to find out what this means!

- Question! If she was seemingly created here (she seems alone) how does she have a sense of time? "Days could be passing, or it could be a matter of hours." This makes me think more that this is a dream. But, then again, I could be inferring incorrectly. I guess we'll just wait and see if my guess is right or not! haha

- So fog is infecting her eyes, but the sky is cloudless? Did the fog disappear or something? hahaha im sorry, this part just sort of confused me for a moment

- ohhhhhhh or is it an INTERNAL fog? Like her surroundings are clear and serene but inside she is in a foggy haze?

- The whole part with the rose is so interesting! It's like a nightmare you're stuck in, trying to run as fast as you can because somehow that makes sense - that maybe it really is, in fact, the only way to stop the blood from spreading higher and higher up the dress as it attempts to consume you. Wow. my mind has totally just been blown just now :)

- "I am a monster." BAM. End of prologue. So perfectly dramatic! ;) * * * * *

ALRIGHTY!!!! I've reached the end of the prologue, so here are my pros and cons! (but to me, "con" stands for "construction" - as in "constructive criticism" hahaha)

PROS:

You definitely have a fantastic start to what I already KNOW is going to be a mind bending, intriguing, and entrapping novel! You also certainly have a poetic way of writing, which is very beautiful and flows very well. :)

CONSTRUCTION:

I would definitely check out the link I gave you above, because I don't see anywhere in the prologue places you have neglected to place a comma that needs one, but you DO place a lot commas in areas they aren't needed. So just peek at that if you want to :)

Another thing I would say is this: I couldn't exactly picture her surroundings. The part about the fog with a cloudless sky was sort of confusing. I wasn't sure if she was in a field, a forest, or if she was created just now, and her life began in nothingness, and then nature began to materialize around her. Perhaps you would like to add just a tad more details?

OTHER THAN THAT hahaha i really like where this is going! My reviews always start out ridiculously long when I first start a persons novel, but don't worry, they get shorter as I read more, get more familiar with the writer's style, characters, and the story itself. Sorry if this was ridiculously wordy.

I really hope I'm helping though! I'll be back to read chapter one soon!

~Lauren Michelle :D