The Value of Innocence

The Value of Innocence

10 chapters / 6869 words

Approximately 34 minutes to read

Description:

© Natalie Dunning 2014. Cover by me.

Work in Progress



Warning: Contains harsh swearing and some violence.

CURRENTLY REVISING
In other words I'm pretty much rewriting or heavily revising almost everything I had written.

Synopsis
Jared, a former prisoner, is more than happy to finally taste freedom once again after six years of confinement, and reunite with his long-term girlfriend.
Allison, a typical 15-year-old girl, is planning to have a typical day at school with nothing but a typical outcome in her typical life.
Sometimes, not everything can go as planned.

Genres:

Drama, Suspense, Thriller

Comments(25)

Capture

2 days ago Struggle_of_a_writer said:

Oooooooo crazy characters often make the best ones because they are just so unpredictable. Jared will most likely be a character that the readers love to hate. I only read two chapters so far but I will most likely continue so I know what happens. Thank you for the swap and introducing me to this story.

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3 months ago IMightBeLeaving said:

I am not a hardly read horror stories, but your story is well written. I can't really say that it scared me. I am not sure if it's a horror story but I am sure it would appeal to horror readers. All in all the story is interesting. BTW did you know that the 4th chapter is not available to read?

Prof

about 1 year ago Lily Chen said:

I read about halfway through, to Chapter 8, and this is definitely an interesting concept, the idea of a high school kid meeting a freshly released criminal. I would suggest lengthening your chapters or combining the as I felt like I was breezing through them without really advancing much into the plot. You also make Allison seem a lot older than she actually is; in the chapter where she and Jared meet, it sounds as if she lives by herself. Just a few things to be wary of. Other than that, this was an enjoyable read and I wish the best of luck in continuing it. Happy writing!

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almost 3 years ago Chiara Damiani said:

The first chapter was interesting, but the second chapter was down right amazing and hooked me in. So now I have to keep reading xD I really like that each chapter switches back and forth between Jared and Allison. I noticed (especially so in chapter 4) that you start the majority of sentences out with 'she' which can really detract from a great story. Try mixing it up here and there so your story will flow more smoothly and feel less repetitive. Where are Allison's parents in all of this? And she just willingly let him tie her up without a fight and took him to use the phone? Ah, her mom's already at work. I feel there should be just a little more buildup and emotion between her and Jared. After all, he is kidnapping her. I'm glad you show her struggling in chapter 9, that makes the kidnapping more realistic and then from there on is that buildup between them that I was looking for. I like how you let the reader get in Jared's head by describing how he struggles between the killer he was and the guy he is now after being released from prison. Aww chapter 14 is locked Dx This is really good so far! Keep up the awesome work!!!

Reviews(9)

Excitedsun

3 days ago Mickey Mouse said:

Jared isnthe more interesting character here. He's definitely a little bit off. He seems logical enough except he's a sociopath. So in the first chapter his thoughts are pretty normal, but then you realize he hasn't heard from his girlfriend in years but assumes they're still dating, and assumes she's still living in the same house. So basically he's a perfectly intelligent person who just happens to believe the world revolves around him.

Allison is not that interesting of a character, but then she's the straight man here. The whole extended dream sequence bit seemed unnecessary to the story. It really doesn't seem to establish any important details except that she's an average teenage girl who worries about average things and has average fantasies. And I think long 'it was all a dream' fakeouts are overdone anyway.

I like that the kidnapping was spur of the moment, half assed, and petty. It's funny somehow. Jared doesn't seem to have a plan at all. I can't figure out why his friend that he hasn't talked to in years is going along with it unless he's a moron, too. I wonder if Allison is going to escape using her wits, or talk them out of kidnapping her with her people skills. I would also like to know what Jared did to land him in prison in the first place.

You have a few grammar errors, like 'discrete' instead of 'discreet', but not too many.

San_diego_padres4

4 months ago Audie White said:

When I saw the length of chapter one, I was a bit discouraged, because I thought all of the chapters were going to be short, resulting in a choppy book. Fortunately though, chapter two shifted my perception of your story 180 degrees.

I saw very little wrong with this story, and I can honestly say it's the best I've read on figment so far (it will be receiving my first "wow"). The plot is interesting, and not overdone or cliche. That was the first thing that caught my attention, because most stories I read are about the same few topics. Not this one.

I like the way you tell the story between multiple points of view. The third person narrative makes it much easier to follow than a story in the first person which attempts to do the same thing.

I'm a detail freak (mostly due to criticism on my early writings from 2012 when I had no descriptive talent at all), so I liked the description of Jared and his cell, along with the specificity of the time he spent in prison. I could, however, do with more details about Allison and her house.

I saw no grammar mistakes (I wasn't looking for them, mind you), and everything flowed very smoothly. Your word choice is fantastic. My dad's friend has a radio show, and he always says "anyone can tell a story, what's special is how you tell it". Right now, you seem to be the poster child for this quote. I can easily see someone else going after the same idea, and having a boring story due to poor word choice. I'll definitely be coming back for more.