The Value of Innocence

The Value of Innocence

10 chapters / 7537 words

Approximately 38 minutes to read

Description:

© Natalie Dunning 2014. Cover by me.

Work in Progress




Attention: I will no longer be editing this story on Figment seeing as it is being shut down. If you wish to see an updated version, click here.

Warning: Contains harsh swearing and some violence.

CURRENTLY REVISING
In other words I'm pretty much rewriting or heavily revising almost everything I had written.

Synopsis
Jared, a former prisoner, is more than happy to finally taste freedom once again after six years of confinement, and reunite with his long-term girlfriend.
Allison, a typical 15-year-old girl, is planning to have a typical day at school with nothing but a typical outcome in her typical life.
Sometimes, not everything can go as planned.

Genres:

Drama, Suspense, Thriller

Comments(25)

Capture

2 months ago Struggle_of_a_writer said:

Oooooooo crazy characters often make the best ones because they are just so unpredictable. Jared will most likely be a character that the readers love to hate. I only read two chapters so far but I will most likely continue so I know what happens. Thank you for the swap and introducing me to this story.

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5 months ago IMightBeLeaving said:

I am not a hardly read horror stories, but your story is well written. I can't really say that it scared me. I am not sure if it's a horror story but I am sure it would appeal to horror readers. All in all the story is interesting. BTW did you know that the 4th chapter is not available to read?

Prof

over 1 year ago Lily Chen said:

I read about halfway through, to Chapter 8, and this is definitely an interesting concept, the idea of a high school kid meeting a freshly released criminal. I would suggest lengthening your chapters or combining the as I felt like I was breezing through them without really advancing much into the plot. You also make Allison seem a lot older than she actually is; in the chapter where she and Jared meet, it sounds as if she lives by herself. Just a few things to be wary of. Other than that, this was an enjoyable read and I wish the best of luck in continuing it. Happy writing!

Pokémon.full.2047417

about 3 years ago Chiara Damiani said:

The first chapter was interesting, but the second chapter was down right amazing and hooked me in. So now I have to keep reading xD I really like that each chapter switches back and forth between Jared and Allison. I noticed (especially so in chapter 4) that you start the majority of sentences out with 'she' which can really detract from a great story. Try mixing it up here and there so your story will flow more smoothly and feel less repetitive. Where are Allison's parents in all of this? And she just willingly let him tie her up without a fight and took him to use the phone? Ah, her mom's already at work. I feel there should be just a little more buildup and emotion between her and Jared. After all, he is kidnapping her. I'm glad you show her struggling in chapter 9, that makes the kidnapping more realistic and then from there on is that buildup between them that I was looking for. I like how you let the reader get in Jared's head by describing how he struggles between the killer he was and the guy he is now after being released from prison. Aww chapter 14 is locked Dx This is really good so far! Keep up the awesome work!!!

Reviews(10)

Brown haired blue eyed

about 1 month ago LeChevalierRoland said:

For chapter one: I liked the intro. I thought it really set up that character well and piqued my interest. I wanted to know what he would do when he got out.

Things to work on: I felt like the sentence “It was usually [...] late sleepers.” felt awkward. I wasn’t completely sure what you were referring to when you said “the thing” at first. In your sentence “He saw [...] mentioning of murder.” it should be “mention of murder”, not “mentioning of murder”.

Overall, I think that you have an intriguing story. I’m curious to see how Allison’s story and Jared’s story may or may not converge.

Excitedsun

2 months ago Mickey Mouse said:

Jared isnthe more interesting character here. He's definitely a little bit off. He seems logical enough except he's a sociopath. So in the first chapter his thoughts are pretty normal, but then you realize he hasn't heard from his girlfriend in years but assumes they're still dating, and assumes she's still living in the same house. So basically he's a perfectly intelligent person who just happens to believe the world revolves around him.

Allison is not that interesting of a character, but then she's the straight man here. The whole extended dream sequence bit seemed unnecessary to the story. It really doesn't seem to establish any important details except that she's an average teenage girl who worries about average things and has average fantasies. And I think long 'it was all a dream' fakeouts are overdone anyway.

I like that the kidnapping was spur of the moment, half assed, and petty. It's funny somehow. Jared doesn't seem to have a plan at all. I can't figure out why his friend that he hasn't talked to in years is going along with it unless he's a moron, too. I wonder if Allison is going to escape using her wits, or talk them out of kidnapping her with her people skills. I would also like to know what Jared did to land him in prison in the first place.

You have a few grammar errors, like 'discrete' instead of 'discreet', but not too many.