4 chapters / 8350 words

Approximately 42 minutes to read


Darkness rises once again and evil tightens its grip suffocating the land. Corruption and temptation spreads like a virus causing a great depression and all hope seems to be lost. The legendary seven Kingdoms struggle for power and the thirteen clans created by the divine gods are dying off when a rival Nation with technological advancements far superior to that of the others rise. But when a shooting star falls from the heavens it seems there is one hope left in plain sight. When a child named Darsha falls from the sky as if to symbolize a gift from the heavens with no memory of who he is, or where he came from many strange events begin to take effect soon after. Troubled with memories that do not belong to him trying to remember his own origins this child goes through life as a weakling, but when war is brought to his home, and his mother is taken from him. He is faced with a choice. Watch his mother be executed, or fight against his oppressors in an epic battle of power, wits, and courage.


Adventure, Fantasy, Novel



about 3 years ago Marissa LaPorte said:

Okay so I was a little confused as to what these characters were. Is this a "Warrior" series fan fiction kind of thing? I saw something about a wolf in there, are they wolve-cats? Then at the end of your prologue there was a sentence that included "the woman" referring to neon. I suggest you add in some hints and things in the beginning as to what your characters are. I am guessing cats....

I liked how you ended your prologue (besides the mentioning of a gun because it confused me more) but I think that it was very long. Usually prologues are much shorter. Also, I had been expecting more of a dramatic ending.

This is an interesting story and I enjoy the way it is written overall. You do have suspense and mystery and I didn't get board with it.


about 3 years ago Sovereign Lights said:

I really like the first chapter. Have you watched Legend of Korra? Book Air reminds me of your first chapter greatly. I only wish that you use some commas and not as many ...'s. They do add some character to your writing though. I'll have to read more of this soon. Nice job.


about 3 years ago Fessran said:

Love it so far!



over 2 years ago R A Black said:

The Arrival

I'd cut the first two paragraphs. This is the opening of the story, they hook that's going to drag the reader into the plot and push them along the current of your narrative. But they don't tell me anything about the story, the characters, the world etc. They don't really add a unique spin on survival that hasn't been discussed elsewhere. If you wanted to keep them, I'd recommend working them into dialogue, or a character's thought further in where there will be more context and they'll have some more meaning in terms of the story.

Before I care about the child in the desert, I want to know a little about him as a person. What is he thinking? What is feeling? You mention fear behind his eyelids, but fear of what? The unknown doesn't really give the reader any way to empathize with his situation. The description becomes flowery and empty when it it has no connection.

I can't take the phrase fragile little mind seriously after the South Park movie, but that might only be me.

to much of it - too much of it

It feels to me like you're laying it on very thick - the child is weak, he collapses pathetically - and I think you're using this to try an elicit sympathy and to make me care for his situation. Unfortunately, it's having the opposite effect. The scene is dragging and I want it to get to the point.

serpent hissing into his subconscious - I like the sound of this line.

the more he felt this way the sicker he felt - repeat of felt is awkward in this line.

Your paragraphs are very long in this chapter. If you focus them down a bit more it will help keep the reader focused on reading. Don't write flowery description, because the reader will scan over it. Write vivid, pointed description.

You wouldn't hear a barn owl flying. They've evolved to be silent hunters. You might hear it call, though. Another thing about owls, is that their eyes reflect the period of time they hunt. Night hunters, like barn owls, have dark eyes, whereas day hunters, like snowy owls for example, have gold / yellow eyes. (I love owls, can you tell?) So they wouldn't have dark and bright coloured eyes. Obviously if you make this a fantasy world you can have any kind of owl you like, but I wouldn't refer to it as a barn owl. Give it your own twist.

bird!? - never use more than one punctuation mark at a time

no your not - no you're not

How does she know anything about him? He hasn't told her he has amnesia.

Again, how does she know about his family? And why doesn't he question her on it? Surely her knowing means she knows who he is and what happened to him. Why doesn't he demand to know what happens?

Okay, so he does ask. I think this should come earlier, though, unless you're trying to get across that this guy is really thick.

You don't need to repeat that his eyes are bi-coloured every time you mention them. It gets irritating after a while.

that what she probably was - lose the what from this line.

Overall -

I think you could cut out about half the words in this chapter and not lose anything. The beginning is very, very slow and over written. Consider if your book was in a bookshop and potential readers are browsing the first chapter to decide whether they want to buy the book. At the moment, I don't think you'd get many bites. You want to draw them straight into the story and the first thing you're missing is a character. The unnamed pup doesn't have any personality, so he might as well be replaced by an object for most of the chapter.

Focus more on how he thinks and feels, and less on the visual description of how pathetic he is. That will work a stronger bond with the reader. Make sure your description is always meaningful and isn't just there to pad out the scene. You might be surprised how much the reader will fill in from their own imagination if you just paint in a few details. Otherwise they will tend to scan over big paragraphs of text to get to the more meaningful parts.

Once the other characters start appearing it gets much easier to get into. I'd read the section with Neon and the pup out loud, and make sure the dialogue is always natural and the conversation flows in a believable way. At the moment it feels a bit like you are trying to get the information out, and so questions aren't being asked when information is revealed.

The twins seem interesting and I liked the description of them. They feel a bit cliche at the moment, too much good-cop bad-cop, but as long as you develop them into three-dimensional characters as they interact more, then it will be okay. This was the point where I started regaining interest in the story because there were hints of world building and culture.Depending on the importance with the scene with Neon, you might want to consider starting at this point, because you get everything relevant about the first half of the chapter (he's seriously hurt, he doesn't know who he is or where he is, etc), without dragging it out, plus the interesting plot and world building would come in straight away.


over 2 years ago R A Black said:


I like the opening line, but I think if the sun is still setting and everything is bright orange, it's not yet dusk / twilight. That's the time when the light has faded, but it's not completely dark and tends to invoke colours like silver, purple, blue and grey.

Where is the pitter patter of water coming from? A stream? It doesn't sound like it should be raining if there is a bright sunset. This also contradicts the earlier silence

What are the ellipses for? Ellipses are usually used to denote something cut out, or speech trailing off. Neither seems appropriate in this situation. They almost feel like you're using them in place of commas.

Dialogue - when you follow dialogue with a speech verb, you need a comma not a period. So it should be find him, now," the wolf complained

If your characters are anthropomorphic animals, you should still consider how real animals act. Look at how wolves behave when challenged, what sort of body language they exhibit. Transfer that to Damon.

If they've got this far, I'm surprised Damon doesn't know the plan. Surely they've have plotted everything out together before setting off?

grabbing him - at the moment, I'm not sure how animal like your characters are. Are they fully beast, on four paws etc, or are they more humanoid with more finger-like digits on their hands for grabbing? This might be a good place to make clear if you specify how he grabs Damon

patience pup - you need a comma before an address (name, title, insult etc). It's the difference between let's eat, Grandma, and let's eat grandma.

Starting in media res can grab the reader's attention, but you need to be careful because at this point, they won't care about the characters, so starting too much into the conflict can fall flat. I think you're skirting the edge here.

Ears would swivel - the tense is wrong here

I'm not really sure what a Lira is at this stage.

Don't use all caps for emphasis. Let it come through from your dialogue

fairy tail - fairy-tale

try to avoid fancy speech terms like elucidate. They don't flow well and they don't add anything to the moment. Overusing dialogue tags means you run the risk of not trusting your speech to carry the emotion on its own.

Overall - an very interesting first chapter. I like the idea of starting with what appears to be the heroes' failure. Your description is good, but sometimes you overdo it a little and that runs the risk of contradiction, like the sound of water and silence near the beginning.

Because you are using non human characters, you need to give the reader a stronger image of what they are like, how animal etc.