Neverlands

Neverlands

6 chapters / 6644 words

Approximately 33 minutes to read

Description:

How far will you have to go to get out once you've gotten in?
It is a place that has consumed the lives of those who have lived there and those inevitably connected to it, and escape is virtually impossible. That is, unless you know the right people, have the right connections, play the right cards.
It isn't for the weak. It's for the deceitful, untrustworthy, clever, merciless, and everything in between. And it's all fun and games until you get so caught up that maybe it was worth the betrayal, deceit, fake friends, and gun to your face.
Welcome to the Neverlands...

Genres:

Mystery, Suspense, Novel

Comments(22)

Trin_aster_pro

almost 2 years ago Trin Aster said:

nvm I forgot you already did (memory problems)

Trin_aster_pro

almost 2 years ago Trin Aster said:

I just noticed I forgot to heart! Sorry! Also could you read "The Woods" or the first chapter to "Project Zero" in return? Thanks!

9915204fc1504f8ca3c8725efdbef45d--moon-illustration-cat-illustrations..

almost 2 years ago Eira J. Skye said:

I read the first chapter! And I really enjoyed reading it as it Kept me hooked! ^^ Great job with that! The descriptions were good! And I felt the characters were well developed! But few grammatical mistakes and typos, It's amazingly written! Great Job!

Keep it up and High! :)

Red

Trin_aster_pro

almost 2 years ago Trin Aster said:

whoops, noo I accidentally posted my review! I wasn't finished.

Reviews(8)

Img_0487 (1)

over 1 year ago Nicolette Christiansen said:

Chapter 1: Thank you so much for being patient! I had my interview yesterday and this morning I’m finally taking the morning off to feel human again :)

I like the opening. It’s relatable and you’re getting to know the main character already

I laughed a little because I knew (it/I/she) sounded foolish,

I’m getting a good picture of the setting

Is nana missy a nick name for Jackson? Not sure how that connects

Okay! Swearing. I have some in my books, but I’m giving you a warning it does put a cap on your audience and who will be willing to read this. It limits your awesome work for the world. Ask yourself is it is TRUELY necessary for your character and the growth of that character. I personally do not mind! Just giving you a heads up, which I’m sure you know already :)

you are?” (H)e was beginning to is different then You are?” (he said, getting louder) one is an action and one is responding directly to the quote, one would be capital one wouldn’t)

not sure how to read this… “my mother you know, i cared” “my mother, you know…..i cared” or My mother, you know I cared.” or even “my mother, you know. I cared.” they all convey very different tones

So jackson was her dad right? Why is he screaming? I must have missed something (have dyslexia so i’m sure I did) but something is not adding up

Oh okay Nana is not a nickname for Jackson hahah thank god I was so confused! is na na her nanny? Also I am still unclear of how old the main character is

“Look(,) I’ve said…”

“yeah(,) it’s not like anything”

I connect more to vegas :) I hope she moves there!

great description “dark night and cloudy onset”

“some tea(.)” Nana slipped through the door

the nana pep talk makes me think she’s in her early teens?

I would suggest throwing in the main characters name a little more often…I can’t remember from the beginning if it was even said

first chapter is always important to get the reader hooked on that one name

nana’s voice brought me back to (reality) … I think flows a little better? idk author’s choice.

since so far I’m seeing no further swearing…I would suggest not putting it in the first chapter to hook your readers in before they know what they’re getting into…tricky tricky ahahah

Kyle? new character introduction at the end not sure how I feel about that

maybe have yanni bring him up once or twice earlier in her thoughts so that it connects more to the end?

Goddamnit(,) tara,” I croaked…

Overall It think it was a very well written story. I think you could have added a little more detail here and there, but that's just rereading and changing things as you grow as a writer. some grammatical errors--some I pointed out some I didn't because it was the same quote issues. Great writing overall! I think this well be a hit!

Hearted!

Trin_aster_pro

almost 2 years ago Trin Aster said:

So I will write my review as I go. Also please forgive me if my review seems harsh or rude, it is sometimes hard to edit one's writing so that is why I am being totally honest here.

Before

Cover is simple, I don't really think it displays what this story is about, or what the genres are but it is fine maybe it will have more meaning later on when I start reading. The genres and tags seem sorta my thing, I enjoy suspense, mystery and romance, not sure about violence but oh well. The description is beautiful, I'm not sure if you will have people reading all of it, you could spice it up a little, maybe add stuff in between like a string of lines to separate them into paragraphs.

First Paragraph

First sentence is beautiful, vague but not to vague. Second sentence could use a little work.

"That was my trouble, because I never thought that life was without a structure, but it always seemed to push me in unprecedented directions."

So first, it is a little long but that is fine of course. But I think you could change a few of the words or mix them a little so the reader doesn't have to be so like "Wait a sec, what?" and then have to re-read it. I like you use palpable it is a word hardly used.

Second Paragraph

So my opinion with the second paragraph, it kinda cuts into the main character's thoughts, I would personally keep with her/his thoughts then change to her/his surroundings. Don't exactly know why you emphasize/italicize the Alone. Unless you are REALLY try to get it across. I would also like a little more detail, so like maybe for the sun you could use like "Golden glow" also wondering if this is a girl or a guy, if it is a girl you could make her hair blow in the breeze, even if it is short.

Third Paragraph

Also like how you are keeping with past tense and not switching over which is what some people do. Also a little mystery, with her/him talking into her/his head. Wondering, do they suspect a voice will answer?

Fourth Paragraph

"I laughed a little because I knew sounded foolish." Should be something like... "I laughed a little because I knew (I) sounded foolish."

Beautiful vocabulary!

Fifth Paragraph

Little confused with the pistol thing, is he/she about to shoot someone? Also when they speak maybe you could tell us what the gender is by like they say something and then hear their own voice, is it squeaky and feminine? Deep and masculine?

Some other paragraph

"I question why I picked up this skill." So what is wrong with this is that it is in present tense and not past tense, and so far through this you have been working in past.

Overall

So I read a little more, anyway, now that it is about the same length we are to the overall. Overall, I think it could be fixed up with one easy swoop and changed into something even better. Otherwise LOVELY job, I like it a lot so far, the thoughts, the scene, although I wish to imagine with a little more detail of what stuff looked like. Anyway GREAT job, keep it up!