The Heir Of Darkness

The Heir Of Darkness

12 chapters / 23587 words

Approximately about 2 hours to read

Description:

****Anything you read here belongs to me****

After a slave who is unexpectedly saved from execution by the kings own general, he begins to fulfill his dreams of becoming a warrior, not realizing that he is part of something more dark. In a journey in which he discovers who he really is, he will find turmoil and war, in a land shattered since the fall of Drenim, he shall take a vital role in the conflict outraging in Telen.

Genres:

Action, Fantasy, Novel

Comments(22)

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almost 4 years ago R A Black said:

I think the changes are a great improvement, but I'd remove the line about him having a fondness for her. Don't state that yet, let it come out in his actions towards her over the next couple of chapters.

Ikkyosai profile pic

almost 4 years ago Eustacia Tan said:

Nice chapter. I like how it's moving forward, and I look forward to how Selenass lives in the army.

Since you asked for my opinion about the kiss: well, I think it's fine, although I don't understand why she kissed him. I also think his emotions are perfectly natural, except for the "cherishing" part. That is way too much insta-love for me, and it seems too fake. I think you should leave it with him feeling confused.

Ikkyosai profile pic

almost 4 years ago Eustacia Tan said:

Nice, the Drenim/Drenim related stuff is starting! Two comments on this chapter:

At the last part of the chapter, you had the words "Selenass cried out", which went against the whole "be quiet thing." So instead of giggling, the mysterious man should be quickly leaving. Either that, or Selenass wasn't that loud, in which case you might want to tweak that line a little.

I'm also not too sure about Selenass's reaction to this. I know he's been through a lot, but if he had absolutely no idea of what he was, then I would expect more shock than "dumb-folded", especially if things like instantaneous healing isn't normal. Why isn't he trying to question the mysterious man as he leaves? How is he supposed to explain all this to Lord Hazan?

Looking forward to the next chapter!

Ikkyosai profile pic

almost 4 years ago Eustacia Tan said:

Now your title makes sense! The request from Lord Hazan seems reasonable, especially considering that he tortured Selenass so much before - now I understand why he spared Selenass.

Reviews(20)

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almost 4 years ago R A Black said:

Sorry it took me so long!

Chapter 10

You don't need a comma after tar in the first line.

I think you could describe the guards, cooks, servants etc a bit more. It kind of feels like a throw-away line at the moment, but it should really be a powerful description. Work Selenasss feelings about their emotion in as well. Who is in the pile of corpses? Are they all members of their entorage? How many people are left, what sort of proportion? Are the survivors injured in anyway? Just some things to think about to build up the detail.

was soon bartered - do you mean countered? Bartered doesn't make sense in this context.

for day's - for days

In the opening couple of paragaphs, the flow isn't great. I think it is because the sentences get quite same-y in terms of length and rhythm. Don't forget to mix it up a bit, have shorter sentences. Strong points are often better delivered in short sentences because there is less fluff, as it were, around it to desctract the reader.

She glowered at him - this needs to be on a new line as she was not the speaker.

What was happening to him - well he's just been in the middle of an attack, and is now surrounded by corpses. I don't think his emotions are unreasonable and I don't think he should be questioning them like this. It doesn't really feel like this.

mistrusted the less - mistrusted the least

The little trust between them, withdrew with that punch - What little trust between them had vanished / evaporated / been killed etc with that punch

Unlit the candle - blow out / extinguish / put out the candle

GO NOW - never use all caps for emphasis.

Why doesn't Kelari ask what happened to their provisions? They don't just get up and walk, and the correct reaction to the event would depend on what had happened.

I found this chapter a bit vague. It didn't really explain who had attacked or why, and I think you could probably use putting some details of the battle in to clarify these things. You go from the start of the action, in the last chapter, to long after it has finished.

The dream sequence needs to reveal something specific. Something to grab the reader and make the want to know what is going on. At the moment, its just generic "bad stuff", so it didn't really feel scary, just a bit confusing as to what is going on.

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almost 4 years ago R A Black said:

Chapter 10

Crows flied over them - Crows flew over them

If they and their provisions have been reduced by half each, then technically they still have enough. I'd state that most of the provisions had been stolen / destroyed.

An expression full of worry - I think you could put more in this. Describing the haggard expressions and the way they nervously look around for enemies would be a great boost to the tension.

I'm a little confused as to the layout of things, and who they are fighting. They were only two weeks away from the city, so is this an internal conflict? Civil war? I think a bit of political geography mixed in with the sections on Selenass and Kelari could be useful for strengthening your world building

If they are going off on their own to get water, I'd make it a little closer, otherwise the scout is not likely to have reached it and come back again.

Was Kelari in charge of the expedition, or is she in charge now because the original leaders are dead? How are people taking to her being in charge?

then scape at dusk - then escape at dusk

Overall - I like the events in this, but I think you're jumping things a little fast. I think you could extend this and the previous chapter and draw out this section. Kelari is a good character to use to get your world building out. Who are they fighting, where are they going? Have they been forced into the desert to get away?

Then there is the smaller scale politics around Kelari herself. Is she supposed to be in charge? How do the others take to a woman in command? The world you've presented seems fairly patriarchal to me so far. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have her in command, but it shouldn't be easy. It might be a good place to start working up Selenass's respect for her, when he says the way the men treat her, and the way she holds her own in a way that he never could. Are you planning to switch between the two viewpoints, Kelari and Selenass? If not, having one chapter from her perspective seems a little odd. If you are, I would consider going back and inserting some chapters from her perspective in. It could help balance out the very dark opening, and will also give your readers the opportunity to try and guess how these two very different people are going to come together.