Until It's Worth It

Until It's Worth It

3 chapters / 4868 words

Approximately 24 minutes to read

Description:

I am homeless. Or, I guess, I was. This is my story of how I lost myself. I'm not going to tell you that becoming an idol was all I had ever hoped for. I also am not going to tell you that I enjoyed doing what I did. This was not my dream; this was not my life. This was how I became Ari.
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Not everyone has a dream to be a princess or a singer. All I ever wanted was for my brother to survive. Sometimes I would dream of a better life, but I quickly learned that dreaming would not put food in my brother's stomach. People like us, we don't have time for dreams.

Genres:

Writing, Drama, Novel

Comments(8)

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over 3 years ago Kimmie said:

Chapter 3 is as amazing at the first two! I love your writing style, and again, can't wait to read more!

-Kimmie

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over 3 years ago Kimmie said:

This is really good! I can't wait to read more of this. Very entertaining. Good luck!

-Kimmie

Ookami

over 3 years ago Gracie Qu said:

I don't have much to say on this. The writing is good and the storyline interesting, even if it's already been written before. I guess the one thing I would suggest is to make this novel stand out in some sort of unique way. I have no problem reading this type of storyline in many different forms over and over again, but it might get lost in the sea of similar plotlines, so try your best to make it really unique!

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over 3 years ago Shiba said:

that was a good story, well so far. I'd like to read more. and since it was a swap. you can read my book called 'ghost seekers', I only have three chapters so far, but tell me what you think of them. okay. and please write more soon!!

Reviews(5)

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over 3 years ago ambi said:

Hi, and congratulations for winning second place in the Album Artwork contest! Here is your prize review.

I thought your first paragraph was a good hook.

“in every which way” – one of the main rules of description is not to describe things that people pay little attention to. Just “bouncing off the high brick walls” is fine.

“‘Yeah, I got us food[,]’ I replied.” – you need a comma because it’s a continued action. This bit of grammar is better explained here. I also noticed that you’ve written most of your dialogues this way, so that’ll need editing.

“crunching into a stale cookie” – “munching into a stale cookie”

“My voice rang out clearly” leave another line break before this so that readers don’t get confused.

“Suddenly, my eye” – omit “suddenly”. I think the sentence without that word would have more impact, and anyway, “suddenly” here doesn’t make sense because he’d been standing there quite a while, and the narrator had noticed it before.

“if he did follow us” – what made her so sure he’d follow her? Was it his appearance? (If yes, describe it better.) Who’s “us” here? Is Jin with her?

“I spat.” – I thought this was a little cruel on your narrator’s part. The man had just donated a fortune. Wouldn’t she be a little more gracious? “Thanks, but I’m not interested.” Or perhaps, if she’s unsure, “Thank you, I’ll consider it.”

“So what [if] I didn’t like it? This was going to [feed] Jin.”

“and I [held] up a finger”

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Overall, I really liked this. I thought it was realistic, but there are ways in which this could be improved.

First, put in your narrator’s name somewhere in the first chapter (since it’s a little hard to keep referring to her as “the narrator”). Second, play up her love for her brother. It’s not simply because he’s her brother. He’s her rock, her anchor. You’ll need to flaunt that better so that we know how desperate she is.

Second, tell us how beautiful her voice is. I’m sure no producer from the music industry simply walks up to a busker and asks her to join them. Perhaps he was standing there everyday and watched her sing, and this was the first day he came over and said something? What is it about her that appealed to him? (Her voice, of course, but you made it same as though it was just that – an ordinary voice.)

But despite these small flaws, I really like what you’ve got here, and I think this has potential. Just a few perks will fix this up and it could turn into something phenomenal.

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over 3 years ago kas is actually kas said:

One:

All of the following points and corrections are only suggestions. You don't have to change it if you don't want to.

"... pricked at my skin like a million needles..." I assume you meant needles and not nettles.

"...this time of night, which was both comforting and unsettling." I added a comma, because that sentence left me short of breath when I read it aloud.

"Tonight, there would be no competition for a spot to sleep; but if trouble were to arise, no one would hear our screams." I connected two sentences with a simicolon, and changed past tense to future tense. It would flow better that way in my opinion.

"...bouncing off the high brick walls in every which way." Thank GOD you didn't say "echo." There are other ways of saying it, but people just don't seem to realize. Good work.

"I shook my head, amazed at my stupid brother. We were starving, broke, and losing hope, yet he could still joke and smile." So, the brother is the happy, enjoyable, glass half-full character despite their predicament. I enjoy those kinds of characters, and their absence is noticed when they are not incorporated into a story like this one.

"I hated singing..." Huh. I give money to homeless people who sing. I wonder if they like it any...

"...but it wasn't until it became a dire need that I actually sang." That would sound better than "direly." Some words just can't be adverbs.

Oh, she gets an offer to take up singing for a living. The music industry does this a lot. Takes in homeless people who have actually talent, get them to sign a contract, and rip them off. In reality, they should be making millions, and they only get hundreds of thousands. Hopefully this story will end a little differently.

"I was going to save Jin." All she wants to do is help her brother. She doesn't even matter to herself. That is so selfless; a quality that we all need.

Okay. I like this story so far because it makes me think. It makes a point in my life. It isn't just a story about a homeless girl and her brother, but so much more than that. It's about opportunities, and how tempting they are. I can't wait for chapter two so I can have a idea as to how things will work beyond the ones I got during this exposition.

I like your characters. The girl is selfless, strong, and for those reasons she is likeable. The brother, Jin, is likeable because he is a glass half full kind of guy. So, they are both easy to fall in love with, but for different reasons. The guy from SM seems manipulative, and I don't trust him, only because of what I've heard. Anyone in any industry can only have so much compassion. I try not to judge before I know, but it's just hard.

Overall rating: 7/10.