Defect

Defect

9 chapters / 3508 words

Approximately 18 minutes to read

Description:

The Defects. They were supposed to be dead. All hung, all slaughtered, all exterminated. But sudden attacks have caused a stir among the human civilization: they're back.

When Gwen Steele and her younger brother become orphaned due to a recent attack, there's a buzz. Their whole family had been targeted, but how did they survive? Why did the Defects spare them?
And most importantly, why does one of them suddenly have supernatural powers?

[in progress]
Please note that this is a rough first draft.
some songs from the Defect playlist:
http://8tracks.com/itsmecece/playlist

Comments(9)

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almost 4 years ago Nicolette Christiansen said:

Hi! Sorry it took so long! Midterms. I liked the prologue more than the first chapter in my opinion of course. The concept of the story is pretty interesting and your imagery is great. There are certain spots that push me out of the story like when there's a one sentence paragraph to explain what's happening, when I had already figured it out or it could have been easily woven into one of your beautiful sentences. Gwen's a pretty cool character, but I don't seem to connect with her very well, but I think that has to do more with what I just commented on. Great job anyway! Pretty sick story!!

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almost 4 years ago Maddie McLeod said:

Phew! I'm finally here for my end of the swap! :)

Is Gwen and her brother eventually going to find that they are related to this group of Defects more than they realize? I mean, they did 'deflect' the power of the Defect.

I felt like the story has a lot of potential but I only read the prologue and the first chapter... I was semi-pulled in, really. You have created a dystopian, futuristic America with unique characters and problems. But that really was about the only thing that kept me interested. I don't know how to put this in words exactly because I DID LIKE YOUR STORY. I guess it just felt to me like I was reading it rather than being in it/witnessing the actions.

My suggestion would be to elaborate more with details about the situation at hand. Use stronger, more passionate words that will portray the meaning you wish to get across.

Other wise, this was a great story and I can't wait to see what else you accomplish with your writing!

-MaddyMae:)

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almost 4 years ago Nicolette Christiansen said:

Thank you for your comment! I've been busy but I will get to this this week! I haven't forgotten.

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almost 4 years ago Natalie Rae said:

Sorry it took me awhile, I thought I put up a comment before, but I guess not! Sorry about that! Anyway, I really enjoyed this. It really does captivate the reader. I like Gwen and Freddie. Well, I should say I like their relationship, I guess? Plus I really like that you made it suspenseful. You didn't give up a lot of information, which is good, because you want the reader to stay interested, and if you give everything up, well, they'll stop reading it! I really want to know what happens after the first chapter... So leave something on my wall when you update! I never check my notifications, just my wall and writing. Altogether, great job! _NRG

Reviews(5)

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almost 4 years ago Gavin J Innes said:

There is great potential here and I really like the dynamics of a world with three very distinct races at play (humans, super-naturals and defects). The important job is to make sure the reader knows clearly what separates them and what their motivations are.

On that note, I think you've done a great job with the Aunt and Uncle; they are instantly defined and very easy to engage with, but I'm finding it tricky to understand Freddy's character and what motivates him? Does he want revenge? Is he angry at his sister? Is he angry at his parents for dying? Was he a playboy? I'm not sure what's at stake for him.

I really like Gwen, she is obviously the key to the whole story and I'm looking forward to seeing more of her secrets revealed, but be careful not to add too much superfluous commentary with her (Do we need to know she is putting eye drops in? Does it matter if she understands that the TV camera android has sensors that stop it crashing into things?)

When they are watching the surveillance footage, wouldn't they remember the attack and therefore comment about it?

I love the Gossip TV show and think you could actually turn that into a really fun satirical bit (think original Robocop TV spots and adverts). The fact that such horrendous things are happening in the world and they still choose to focus on gossip is a strong statement and I think it could even be a reoccurring section (perhaps to help with exposition or just as a break from the seriousness?)

Wouldn't the humans know more about the defects as they were the ones that created them? Or have they evolved so much that humans no longer understand how they function?

Sorry for all the questions, but I guess that the story really has intrigued me and I'm wanting to find out more, so well done! It's nice reading something that doesn't give you all the answers straight away. I know you were worried about the storyline being confusing, but I say keep getting your thoughts straight on to the page and you can go back and clean up timelines and details after.

Keep up the good work.

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almost 4 years ago Lulu Z. said:

First of all, the summary captured me in. I am a fan of SciFi and dystopia genres, so your story got me hooked. Sadly, I am only able to read until the 3rd chapter- apparently because I am a newbie.

The prologue is at its best. I like both Gwen and Freddie. I like how you wrote this, it's great. It engages readers to read more, more, and more. I love the futuristic chaos you have made us believe.

Great story, keep it up!