Altars of Our Graves

Altars of Our Graves

1 chapter / 242 words

Approximately 1 minute to read

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almost 4 years ago Ashley Nedu said:

Hi, you requested a swap on my wall. I don't normally get on my account anymore but your request stood out to me and i love the idea of how your writing is so much more different than what people normally try to conquer.

I personally loved this poem with a passion. It's something that I could read through with ease, almost like the words slid from my tongue like silk. Quite lovely.

Now for the criticism you requested.

First stanza third you. You don't need the word up. Fill our lungs will do just fine as when you add the word up its almost repeating something that doesn't need to be. We understand that its going to be full as that's the meaning we take from just fill.

second stanza first line. Come and lay with me should say come and lie with me. You must stay with whatever tense you begin your story in, otherwise it will just confuse the reader and sound all wishy washy.

third stanza first line. again you should say lie and not lay. Basically every time you said lay should be changed as it doesn't fit with the tense of your poem. It makes the reader faulter when trying to flow through the words. Not a BIG deal, but still very important.

Last stanza first line you need a you're and not a your as you are speaking to the reader. In the same stanza third line use the word the and not thy. I know the feeling of wanting to use special words like this but in some cases it just doesn't work. And this is one of those cases. It takes away value from the whole piece and makes your reader pause a moment when reading to try and comprehend what you are getting across.

Other than that I loved every second of your work. You definitely have the potential to be a published author some day. A little bit of work and it could be tomorrow. Well, maybe not tomorrow as it takes more than 24 hours to become an established author, but you get the idea ;) Loved the sway if you will check out any of my stories you see fit and leave me instructive (not destructive)criticism. I don't get on that often but when I do every heart read and follow is greatly appreciated. :) Nice doing business with you.

With Love, Ashley