The Bateleur

The Bateleur

1 chapter / 4855 words

Approximately 24 minutes to read

Description:

What's the difference between Fate and Magic? In Anna's world, they're the same thing. COVER CREDIT: Kat Shrödinger

Comments(5)

Emilyinset

almost 3 years ago Emily Inama said:

Im seriously going to cry! I feel so horrible but so light! Im crying!

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almost 3 years ago Shankar Chavan said:

Happy Holi awsome relly great post

Bcn3

almost 4 years ago L. L. Violette said:

Very descriptive! I enjoyed the premise of this story, it was a very creative idea. Your character development seems spot-on so far. I thought I was in for a predictable read, but you definitely surprised me. The dialogue was very nice as well. Good job, keep writing!

LLV

Banksy, dorthy

almost 4 years ago Jessica Tahoe said:

I love the way you bring your characters to life. It was really good and the detail and thought you put into the story was impeccable. Well done!

Reviews(5)

Plasticity 2

over 2 years ago C.D. Jameson said:

The Bataleur Review A.J. Cypher

Immediately suspicious of house...

Anna shifted in her chair, swallowing a sigh. ← Really nice characterizing body language.

Really enjoyed the card's description. Very vivid.

Rogue paragraph with wild indentation, not sure how that got in here.

Why is he so upset about the card. I demand answers!

The firelight cast a lazy glow ← lovely description

that left in the drawer?” she gestured at the card ← that in the drawer?”[S]he gestured at the card. - this is not a dialogue tag and it is an independent clause.

Tugged out of her reach by an invisible string ← good description

I have this sneaking suspicion that she has amnesia regarding what is actually going on in the house. That's just a hunch though. I shall read on.

Proceeded precariously ← nice alliteration

forget me nots ← some foreshadowing... maybe...

powerful eyes boring into her as if it were looking into her ← the second half of this phrase is redundant [boring into her] infers [looking into her] – I'd suggest the latter's removal.

It creaked.. as if protesting his presence ← very nice description

she could no more walk away from the box than part with her beating heart ← excellent description

Worth mentioning now you've established some fantastic tension at this point in the story. I'm all kinds of interested.

There is a lot of interesting direct personification of the house within the letter's Anna reads. Or, at least thanking the house. I like that as it adds another layer of suspense and curiosity for the reader. Is the house alive?

The word seemed to stretch and grow bolder before her eyes ← exceptional description. Very original.

Then, like a coal given fuel ← I'm not sure the word [fuel] is quite right here. [coal] is fuel. I understand what you're intended meaning is, but currently it reads like – fuel given fuel. I'm struggling to think of the correct word type instead... hmmm... not catalyst... okay I'm stuck. It's a long day. I got three hours sleep. I'm sure you get what I'm getting at. Change or don't change it, I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

Fantastic description of 'angry Luke'

“you took everything from me... I'm taking it back” ← a mole-wacking cliché – I'm sure I don't need to tell you that cliché within dialogue is more acceptable, that's just how humans talk sometimes, but at such a poignant powerful moment in your story I feel you could say this originally.

Final thoughts...

Simply fantastic Cypher. Truly impressive. You certainly have a well developed skill in writing. It's very very clear that this is not your first rodeo.

"slow clap"

I hope you find my feedback useful. I also look forward to corresponding with you more in the future. Two stories in now and I have a good sense of just how excellent your writing is. The more people I can find on figment like this, the more certain I become that joining this community was a good idea.

Cheers Dave

Pocket watch

almost 4 years ago Sophie Anne said:

First off, I'm sorry for getting back to you so late.

There were no glaring grammatical errors, so first I'm going to talk about your characters. Anna seemed complex and I liked how we learned things as she did. Even though we didn't really meet William, his personality came to life through the letters. That can be a hard task to accomplish, but I feel you pulled it off beautifully. Luke seemed to be a villain's villain (I hope that makes sense). I wish we got a bit more background on his motivation and he was just this evil person who stole Anna away.

The plot itself was intriguing. The concept felt fresh and unique, while the writing seemed timeless. I think, though, that it was the magicians and all of the magic that went into the story that made it feel that way.

Your pacing, at times, was spot on. There were times I got confused, especially with the letters being "sixty three years old, thirty eight years before [Anna] was born". While the suspense was good, I felt thoroughly confused until Anna mentions Luke kept her young when he erased her memory.

Overall, the story is one I like quite a bit. I feel that you could perhaps expand on this by making it longer or adding another chapter. While I loved the personification of the house and the characters, I bit more back story and explanation would be nice (at least that's how I felt, it's getting late for me so my brain might be a tad muddled). However, I can clearly tell you are a talented writer and would love to read more of your writing.

Keep writing, Sophie.