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Approximately about 1 hour to read
New Adult Sci-Fi/Fantasy, adult themes and language. 18+...
Dive headfirst into a post-apocalyptic world where a deadly virus has segregated the population, and one remains unaffected.
almost 2 years ago Maria Rae said:
This is pretty damn good! I'm one of those people that hardly ever offers praise but I was really drawn into this story-world and all these fascinating concepts :)
over 2 years ago L. A. Webb said:
As promised, I have read a little of your story. I wish I had the time to read more, but sadly I must only enjoy the little I could squeeze in.
Your writing is beautiful and I found myself deeply enjoying the world you created. You have a great way with your writing style, and I can tell you have worked hard on this story. I'm enjoying the fact that this is a story mainly for adults. Sometimes one can need a breath of fresh air after reading so many YA books..your story has been the perfect breath for me.
Although, I did not get to enjoy as much as I had hoped I would get to, I'll be sure to come back and read this one! I hope you continue the wonderful work and best wishes to you!
over 2 years ago Her Royal Highness, Iris said:
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful writing.
over 2 years ago Katy said:
I'm in the novel factor too and I started reading this since you did so well amd now I see why. It's totally perfect, like I can't even describe this perfection haha. I love it!
over 2 years ago Ellie Williams said:
I cannot tell you how sorry I am for getting behind, but this last month has been crazy for me. I'm just now getting settled in the school routine, getting over a cold, and still living my day-to-day life. Anyway, here are my thoughts on your seventh chapter.
When she wraps her arms around him to put a knife to his back, that seems a little awkward. Why not just hold it to his chest? If it's to keep him in place, he could shrug her off in this position just as easily as he could in any other position. He's already proven that. I'm just a little confused about the necessity of that position.
If it's to create sexual tension, it feels a little abrupt. Here we are, chapter seven, and now you want to play with their attraction? If there is one thing I am familiar with, it's romance novels. I've been addicted to them for far longer than I care to admit. It's a fun angle to explore, for sure, and I'm excited to see where you go with it. However, I don't believe it.
Let me correct myself: on MICK's part, I believe it. On Rome's? Not so much. I think my problem is that she has held on to her distrust and anger for so long throughout the course of the story that when you started introducing the idea of mutual attraction, it came out of left field. I think I said this to you before, but I still feel like Rome's acceptance of what Mick's been telling her was way too abrupt. She fought it for a second, but she then gave in. There was no big to-do about it, no inner dialogue cataloging her fears and realizations. She dropped all of her guards and walls and left it at that. And now we're going from that straight to attraction.
I know you're not writing a romance novel and that the rules don't always apply, so on and so forth. However, this is about believability. Even in fantastical worlds such as this, it has to make sense on at least one level. Right now, especially at the beginning of the chapter, it almost feels forced.
Now, don't get me wrong: I'm not saying it's awful or anything like that. I'm just saying you need to work it into the story more before now so that when you get to this point, it's not as surprising as it was. Really, the scene at the end when Rome thought Mick was dead was touching. I enjoyed reading it. I thought the emotions were excellent, and you really managed to drag me in. But again, just a little out of left field for me. One minute her walls are there, and the next they're a crumbling heap of debris on the ground. There's no transition between her extreme emotions. Food for thought.
Have I ever mentioned how much I absolutely love Mick? I think he's just fantastic. He's the right balance of serious ass-kicking dude and playful flirt. He always manages to get a smile out of me. You've done an excellent job developing him.
Here's the thing: going back to that last scene after Mick comes back from the dead, he had no hesitations telling that story. None. Now that I'm thinking about it more, it confused me for a second. He was hesitant to tell Rome about his "death" before she electrocuted him. What changed between them fighting the Finite and her outburst? Nothing, really, right? She threatened him with a knife, they bantered back and forth, and that was it. He still remembers fighting the Finite. Why is he suddenly so loosed-lip? Just because she SAID he was going to tell her his story? Is he that trusting? That gullible? Wouldn't the same hesitations that existed before his electrocution still be there now? If I missed something, let me know.
Who is Malin? Mick says the name or term when he wakes up after his electrocution. It threw me for a loop. Is that an endearment? Her real name?
You wrote, "I he knew I had almost killed him..." You're missing an 'F' in the first word there.
If I come across as being nitpicky, I don't mean to. I just want you to know what I'm thinking. This story has so much potential, and it's already so freaking good. If I can help in any way, I will. Even if it turns out I missed a crucial point and my remarks on something are wrong, I'd rather mention them to you and have you respond than me to ignore it altogether. Either way, it gets people thinking, and that's the goal in most things I do.
As always, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me on my wall. Again, I apologize for the lateness in my reviews. I'll try not to get so far behind in the future.
I'm here to offer my critique on your sixth chapter for The Novel Factor competition. I apologize for the lateness in this response as I know your entry is due, if not today, very soon. As always, please keep in mind that these are my opinions alone and are by no means the final say-so on anything. Apply my corrections and suggestions as you deem fit.
Well, I definitely didn't see that turn of events coming. Never would I have guessed Mick's actual state of being a Finite. Now, I'm intrigued. I already knew Rome's existence wasn't going to be anything pretty, but Mick? I've actually grown pretty attached to his character, so to learn he's not exactly what I thought makes me want to know more. Ah, I hate that you left me hanging on that note.
I understand this chapter is still be worked on, so I'll try not to be overly nitpicky on small things. I have faith that you will make this chapter just as amazing as the previous ones have been. Still, I'll give you some notes on where I think you could improve it a bit more.
I like where you've placed the flashback scene with the bar; I remember it from your old chapter five before you revised it. I think it works with the storyline more here than it did there. It no longer feels like it was a means to end a scene; it feels like it's part of the scene.
Having two flashback scenes back-to-back, though, may be a little confusing to some readers. My theory is that if you have to label a passage as "present" or "past", it doesn't work. That's how I write, though. I like things to flow naturally without me having to direct the reader. You're your own writer and, therefore, can make your own executive decisions. I'd space it out a little more, but again, that's my opinion.
So, I'd like to reiterate that I fully understand that you needed to have a sixth chapter to submit for the competition, and this is in no way a reflection of the final product. I do want to mention something, though. When Rome starts to finally, FINALLY, realize that what Mick is saying may have a bit of truth to it, drag that out. You teased with it, gave me a hint of what is to come. That is such a huge scene.
She's been fighting it for most of the story and to finally have that realization sink in... oh, boy. I want to feel her angst, her anxiety, her fear. Right now, she accepts the epiphany way too easily, but I think you're aware of that. So, like I said, really drag it out. Remember: her entire life as she knows it has just been altered. Imagine if something like that had happened to you. You'd want to sit down and be amazed for a few minutes, right? Don't rush this scene.
I do have a few more miscellaneous notes to give you. I told you I won't be overly nitpicky, and I won't. Most of these are just typos or small notes for you to correct as you go.
You wrote, "'How old are you? And don't give me the a woman never reveals her age excuse'" You did miss the period here. Also, you either need to put "a woman never reveals her age" in quotations or hyphenate the words. "... the 'a woman never reveals her age' excuse..." or "... the a-woman-never-reveals-her-age excuse..." Personally, I'm leaning towards the former, but that's up to you.
You wrote, "'Please just humor me.'" You need a comma after "please".
You wrote, "He shook his head, continuing to divert the conversation back to his original question, 'And you remember...'" You need a period after "question" as the bit before the dialogue does not describe how the dialogue is being said.
You wrote, "'A few years back, or so. I lose count.'" I lost count. Needs to be in the past tense as I assume she hasn't remembered the exact passing of time for a while, right?
You wrote, "The government just-so-happened to be there..." You don't need to hyphenate "just so happened".
You wrote, "If... if I am who you say... you're fiance..." "You're" should be "your". Typo.
Other than that, just work on a few more details. There are bits that are dialogue-heavy, but I'm coming to realize that when your story is dialogue-heavy, you're still working on it. I know you'll correct it.
If you end up submitting chapter seven for the next round instead of resubmitting your chapter six and want me to go over this again once you edit it, maybe with a more critical eye, let me know. I'd be willing to do that.