Unlikely Beginnings

Unlikely Beginnings

1 chapter / 394 words

Approximately 2 minutes to read

Description:

My entry for the Fate Contest. A story about a girl who doesn't know how she ended up where she is, but she suspects it's fate.

Genres:

Writing, Romance

Comments(27)

My quote

almost 4 years ago Molly Frank said:

This is a really could story. Could you read my story "Voice of the Forest"?

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almost 4 years ago lauren said:

I like the details and descriptions in this. I think you added so much vivid imagery. Great job.

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almost 4 years ago Madeline Nixon said:

*tweaking

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almost 4 years ago Madeline Nixon said:

This is a a nice story, there a few spots that need a little tweeking, ex. "the drugs the doctors have put me on." to "the drugs the doctors have me on." I would suggest reading the story aloud, and some more description would be nice.

Reviews(3)

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almost 4 years ago Ana Lawson said:

I really liked this story so far. I can see a lot of potential in it. How you brought in Zach and their first meeting was very smart. You can feel the love she has for Zach radiating off the page. I hope you continue! Good luck

Your heart is a ship

almost 4 years ago Blue said:

I really liked the piece overall. It lends a certain sadness which is something I can definitely relate to. I also really liked the bitterness towards the entire idea of fate at the end. It's a really good way to end it and end it with intrigue.

Now a couple things I think you could improve on. When working in very small word constraints, you really want each sentence to have importance. So a couple sentences I think you could improve. When you reference finding his cat, I think it would be slightly more interesting if you left it off with something such as, "The ironic part about finding his cat, is that it wasn't even his." You don't especially need the descriptive sentence for what the cat that wasn't his looked like. This also allows you to add another sentence for more interest somewhere else in the piece.

Another thing is this sentence, "I want to know how Zach is, if he's recovering as well as I am or if he is as distant from the world as a spaceship to earth." I get what you're going for, but when using a metaphor in small constraints you want it to be strong or it's not useful. So I'll offer some alternative sentences. "I want to see him. I want to know if he's well. I want to know if he's even alive." This affords more raw emotion at the expense of your metaphor. Another alternative would be, "Has fate claimed Zach? Di fate spare him as it had me, or are we worlds apart now?" This contains a similar metaphor and the same oomph. You don't have to use either but I would try restructuring that sentence to make it more powerful.

You've got a really good piece here and with a little refinement you could have a GREAT piece! I hope to see more work from you. Happy writing!