Heiress

Heiress

3 chapters / 2879 words

Approximately 14 minutes to read

Genres:

Writing, Fantasy

Comments(11)

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over 2 years ago Rey LaRoux said:

So there is not much that I could say that hasn't already been so I'll just give some pointers. It's a little fast pace for me but the detail is spot on and that makes up for it so good job!

Orophin

over 2 years ago J.D. Thomas said:

I only read the first chapter but it was very captivating. I must admit that sometimes with these fantasy pieces I have a tendency to skim, but my eyes were trained on the writing! Great job!

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over 2 years ago Carlotta said:

Wow that's good. The ideas too...I love fantasy so much. You got a couple of mistakes (I'm not good in pointing those out so they are only few...a few three XD- Chapter 1 of the book/the chapter after the prologue (or officially chapter 2) - "Humming the tune her father would to her (...) You forgot a word there. Somewhere - it probably fell away. Perhaps it fell onto the floor? Or you mistook it for a biscuit. A chocolate chip biscuit...---- "The plump merchant growls under his breath, playing the gold coins in his hands greedily" it sounds...wrong. Wrong and odd ^^ I'm just feelin' a bit happy right now, "The pump merchant growls under his breath, greedily playing the gold coins in his hands". You often change between past and present - "He hisses (...) Minerva Gritted her teeth" that goes like that throughout the story. (I'm just telling you to correct. Not being mean. I do that all the time, though I (hope) got better lately) -------- The plot is awesome. The Prologue was the most mysterious and adventurous, and the next was just really good. Some phrases are in overly formal English, almost odd. You could have described the market place a little better, for a clue as to what time its playing in. I'm very curious as to WHAT gibberish is and what Minerva and Elizaa(something) are. Can you publish the next chapter? Please? I lvoe all the names btw.

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almost 3 years ago Diana Raven said:

That was great! I love the mystery and I would love to follow these characters. My only nagging thing is when you said 'karma', the word seems out of place in an obviously not-earth.

Reviews(4)

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almost 3 years ago Scorpio Ryder said:

Okay, so to start, some things I observed:

saying both "living" and "breathing" is redundant. The flow would be better to simply say one of them.

You changed tense on the last sentence of the paragraph: should be Cassius "didn't..." You do this again in saying that Cassius was not the type of person to have regrets. I think also a few other times (I do this a lot too, but usually reading through it helps)

Anyways, their weren't much other grammar mistakes.

On to the plot: So far, very captivating. I love your characters, and I'm really curious about Cassius. He seems to be a unique character with an intriguing background. In fact, I found your characters to be generally very interesting. I must say, I especially loved the names (especially Tanaquil!).

The actions were portrayed pretty well too; I had no trouble picturing everything. As an observation, maybe a better hook might help to capture the readers. The beginning is kind of subtle for the type of story and character's you create, especially with the action that happens within the first few paragraph. But still, this did capture me. I really like where your heading with this! :)

~Scorpio

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almost 4 years ago Maggie Street said:

It's annie, i love the story idea but i think it would sound better if you wrote it in the I form. BUT I LUV IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!