Someone To Save You

Someone To Save You

7 chapters / 2215 words

Approximately 11 minutes to read

Description:

Every time I bleed you come closer to the surface... Abbe has never known love or family before, so seeing her long-lost brother during a preformance at The Circus is a big shock for her. Leaving the only home she can remember, she faces the hardships of molding a normal life from scraps. Will she be able to do it, or will the beast in side her forever haunt her every move?
...He took a step towards Tilley and ever so slowly ran the blade down her cheek, drawing a thin line of blood. I screamed as Tilley didn't even flinch. I felt James's arms go around my waist but I tore away and charged at his father. I'd had enough! Release.
Everything happened haltingly after that. Running towards Ringmaster, I didn't care if I got hit by it. By the knife. Just not Tilley. I knew how a blade could slide across a piece of skin, how the sting stays even after the culprit leaves the room. Tilley, though, was innocent. She didn't know how it felt...

"Abbe!"

Genres:

Fantasy, Romance, Novel

Tags:

Comments(6)

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almost 3 years ago Arietta Coleman said:

Awsome! Fantastic start! Want MORE! xD

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almost 4 years ago v.c. snow said:

This was a really intriguing story that held my interest. I liked the MC and enjoyed her voice and personality. The critiques I have for you are that you need to watch out for run-on sentences; many sentences are missing correct punctuation, and make sure you watch out for tense changes! You switch from past to present (or vice versa) often so just make sure to re-read it and fix them. Overall, a great read! I thoroughly enjoyed it. :)

Calli's fav pic off internet

almost 4 years ago Princess Stella said:

this is amazing! I have never read something so powerful on Figment before. I loved how you described everything. The words you chose made a vivid picture in my head. Your characters are well thought through and developed. This story is truly amazing!

Ookami

almost 4 years ago Gracie Qu said:

I'll admit the first part was just a tad bit too confusing. Or maybe just too much suspense. By a certain point, I wanted to sort of fast forward from reading the beginning b/c I was feeling a LITTLE impatient on the big reveal of WHO she exactly is. After that, however, the writing was perfectly paced with wonderful descriptions. I think that's all I can think of to "criticize" for now!

Reviews(9)

Leigh

almost 4 years ago Leigh said:

I don’t know that there’s much I can write here that offers any real help. You have a very nice writing style and a strength for weaving in your description with your action seamlessly. A lot of writers get bogged down in splitting the two out, a paragraph of description, a paragraph of action, your work is well blended and therefore much easier and more fun to read.

Your dialogue is great and Abbe’s thoughts and narrations are generally easy to follow, but a few times I was confused by lack of understanding of what other characters were doing. The whole work is very limited to her point of view. This is obviously a style choice and can be a good thing if it’s intentional, but even some sorts of tidbits thrown in there about what she thinks other characters perspective is can be helpful when reading in first person.

I like the split-ness of her character in two different forms. That’s cool, although with the little bit I’ve been able to read I feel less sure of how it will play out and mostly just curious.

My specific thoughts by chapter are as follows:

Prologue I agree with the previous reviewer, I was slightly put off by the confusion of the prologue. For me, the purpose of a prologue is to draw interest, give background of the story, and introduce the reader to the book. A good prologue can be any one or all three of those things, but I felt a bit torn reading this one because even though the writing was good, I didn't feel that it really accomplished any of those. It does introduce us to Abbe, but even though her inner monologue is quite clear it is still very difficult to get a sense of her character. Mostly when I finished this (and I actually came back and read it again after finishing the other two chapters) I just felt like I missed the point.

One specific note, this sentence doesn't flow easily for me. “No, I cannot live like it does all day long, forever like they would want.” I wonder if my confusion is stemming from the use of ‘it’ in the first two sentences, are they the same ‘it’ or different? Even having read forward I’m still not sure I understand this.

Chapter One “I watched the blood trickle down my arm in a weird sort of wonder. It drip, drip, dripped to the ground, staining the stage floor below us.” I love, love, love this line, especially the dripping description. The only thing that I thought might make it more poignant is if you made it “I watched my blood trickle down in a weird sort of wonder” because it would be a little bit more directly possessive. That being said it’s a style tweak and a personal preference.

“Tredding onto his stomach” I believe should be “Treading onto his stomach.”

I love that you note when he ‘brushed his fingers against the whip attached to his belt for show” because it shows almost the secret understanding between the two of them. But the reader still isn’t totally sure what that understanding is, which makes your last line really stand out.

Chapter Two This is the first place I started to feel a real connection to Abbe. I loved your whole first paragraph especially. The descriptions you dropped in were perfect, they gave me an image of the place without me having to stop and wade through a bunch of descriptions to piece it all together. So, awesome job there.

Your dialogue was nice, I felt like I could really hear James and I liked her train of thought through the interaction.

One thing is that I noticed you mention sun streaming in behind James as he entered, but when he leaves Abbe talks about wanting to listen to him talk all night and also sleeping the whole night without nightmares. Is this a continuity error?

The second half of this chapter was also good, although I felt pretty terrible reading it. It made me want to read the rest so I could get past the parts where she’s hurting. Wow, I’m becoming a wimp. But your writing was clear and easy to follow which is hard to do in those types of scenes so kudos to you with that. I was still a bit confused about what he wanted from her though…

Sidenote - loved the description of his breath on the tips of her ears. Nice!

Overall, a very good work. It's really refreshing to find something with three dimensional characters to read again. (: You have a great start here and I'm excited to see what comes of the rest of this story because I feel like you've got somewhere really cool ot take your readers.

Keep writing! Leigh

29:01:2015 rwstriped

almost 4 years ago Alyssa Carlier said:

Prologue

(Everything I say is subjective, so feel free to disagree. Legend: Quotes are in [square brackets], suggested modifications in (brackets) and suggested omissions in {these brackets}. // indicates paragraph break.)

From my lurking on agents’ blogs, it looks like many of them sorta dislike prologues. Personally, I think it probably varies from case to case, but since you’re looking to publish this, just a heads up.

The first paragraph is great, but by the time I reach the third paragraph I’m terribly confused at who the MC is. I think this would be better if the last line was moved up to go below the second paragraph.

Also, what is the ‘knife’? A knife she uses to inflict self-harm? A knife she’s punished with? A knife she uses to play tricks in the circus? I think this should be made just a shade clearer, even though this is explained in chapter 1. The confusion is off-putting.

[the audience that mulls before me] – ‘mull’ is sort of calm for a shouting and screaming audience. And I think you mean ‘mull over me’ as in ‘think about my performance’?

I quite like the last line, but I think it might be more dramatic as three separate sentences. “My name is Abbe. I am sixteen years old. My life is with the circus Somnium.” (On a side note, consider using a more powerful verb for the last line, like ‘my life belongs to the circus’. And is ‘Somnium’ supposed to be associated with ‘somnus’ (Latin for sleep)?)

Chapter 1

Love the starting line and the following paragraph.

[just as we had done several times before.] — If this is true, then technically Abbe shouldn’t be describing his face because they’re familiar. Personally, I’d only keep the belt, whip and knives because they represent punishment and she should be fixated on that.

[Colors of every sort blurred together as the air around me hushed] — I know what you mean, but ‘hush’ is a transitive verb and requires an object. Also, as there is no real correlation between the clauses as the structure would suggest, I’d recommend changing ‘as’ to ‘and’.

I would actually call James Tamer all the way through. It makes sense for Abbe to know him as only the person who ‘tames’ her. It also adds a layer of creepy to this world, which you’re doing very well so far.

[Taking my own advice] — This sounds a bit stilted, because people normally take their own advice without thinking about it.

[revealing you] — Who is ‘you’? I got it as I read on, but it was rather off-putting since we haven’t been introduced to a ‘you’ and afterwards, the werewolf form isn’t referred to in second person either.

Have I mentioned I love the single-word lines?

Overall

I love this take on werewolves and circuses. It’s a great premise, and even though I don’t quite know the direction of the story yet it’s kept me hooked so far. (Direction is a big thing for me, personally.)

Characterization needs some work. All I can say now about Abbe is that she’s an introverted, depressed werewolf that is going mad. I can’t really give a lot of concrete suggestions, but I think Abbe has the potential to be a little snarky and impulsive.

However, since you’ve finished the novel, you can try looking at the later chapters. Personally, I find that my last chapters have a lot more character depth than my first. See if the same applies for you and try to carry over some of that depth to the beginning.

A last note on characterization which might not apply: if you’re looking to publish and market this as YA, then in terms of characterization try to give Abbe some characteristics to identify with the typical teenager. But that’s a moot point if you’re going for adult fiction :)

Even though I focused on what needs improvement more than what works, most of it works quite well. Nice job, and good luck in publication!