Trust Me

Trust Me

1 chapter / 1425 words

Approximately 7 minutes to read

Description:

One of my better short stories.

Special thank you to Rose Johnson for the cover. Btw, stop asking me to continue xD I'm not gonna do it. I like the ending.

Comments(11)

B1d90de3a2841523c4271071293012971d729d468ee622b52adaae37200a3134_1

over 3 years ago a. Rose said:

I really, really like this story! Sirens are a pretty popular book topic but you brought them out in an oh so different way! I can understand the feelings of the character of how it is put off that his parents don't care for him. It leaves the reader on a cliff wondering, what became of the reader? Did he die? Escape? What became of his parents? Were they sad? Mounful? Or did they even notice his loss of presence? I like so tries like these that leave a million questions rolling through the readers mind! This story gets follow and a heart from me!!!

KEEP WRITING

Sarah Rose~

Image

over 3 years ago Jack Sparrow said:

Ah, sirens! Always a great book topic. I like that you made the victim so young; made it all the easier to get involved with him and feel awful as he meets his ending.

Speaking of which, I have to sob in my bed. Cheers!

Treble-clef-music-notes-illustration-thumb534438[1]

over 3 years ago Amylove (A) said:

Very good!

Images

almost 4 years ago Jessie Marie said:

This was really interesting. I think it would be really cool if you continued the story not from the point of the boy but from the point of the siren, because i dont think that anyone has done that before. I liked your descriptive words and your main character seemed very realistic. Nice job!~Jessie

Reviews(3)

Img_20160611_110907

over 3 years ago Nicole Lambert said:

Honestly, I really loved reading this story; it has a lot of potential. Are you thinking of continuing this? You really should instead of leaving me hanging like that. There are just a few things I'd like to point out:

“The grass was grey and yellow all the down slope.” The wording of this sentence is kind of awkward. Try rephrasing it like, “The grass was grey and yellow down the entire slope.”

“Maybe if I caught a big fist, big enough to last a few nights…” I think you meant “fish” when you typed “fist.”

“Most reckon he he was buried under weed and mud.” Delete one of the “he’s”.

“I sat up and quickly wound the sting up as it shot fast to the boat.” I think you mean “string” instead of “sting.” “My head felt like it was rapped in cotton.” “Rapped” should be “wrapped.”

There were others, which should be easy to fix. Just read this out loud to yourself and correct whatever doesn't quite sound right, and you should be fine.

Other than that, I have no other critiques. I've always had a fascination with dark versions of what children tend to like (such as dark versions of fairy tales, mermaids full of malice, ect.) You developed the character of the siren well, and I couldn't ask for a better ending to a first chapter. Overall, great job on this, and I hope you choose to continue this story in the near future.

Photo on 9-23-15 at 4.16 pm

almost 4 years ago L. R. Bauer said:

This short story has potential. I liked the premise of a boy going fishing and becoming entranced with a siren. I think my favorite aspect of this piece was the saying about sirens "bloody pray boy, pray, pray, pray." I just caught a few things while I was reading.

1) "Don’t stay out too long, if you aint back in two hours." It should be "ain't."

2) "I know dad." It should be "I know, Dad."

3) "The whether was lukewarm, the type of whether..." They both should be "weather."

4) "I plunked down chum bucket." Add the word "the" after "down."

5) "Cautiously I sat in the cocoon like boat at set the tackle bucket..." It should be "Cautiously, I sat in the cocoon like boat and set the tackle bucket..."

6) "Slowly I glided across the blue..." Put a comma after "Slowly."

7) "The lakes stomach..." It should be "stomach's."

8) "Suddenly the boat trembled, I at sat up." Take out the "at" after "I."

9) "I saw ripples spread from below, disturbing the waters still surface." It should be "water's."

10) "Then, I noticed a face, I round pale face." It should be "Then, I noticed a face, a round pale face."

11) "She gracefully hoisted her shoulders up and held herself over the boats rim." It should be "boat's."

12) At this point, I stopped making note of typos, so be sure to read over your work.

13) Also, some of your sentences are a littl choppy and could use some smoothing.

Other than that, great job and good luck on your writing!