Power Hungry

Power Hungry

6 chapters / 11047 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read

Description:

My name is Aaron Gale, I’m a 5”9’, Chinese, and pretty damn clumsy. Today is February 11, 2014. It’s been 2 months since my friends, and enemies, and I were stranded on an unknown Island. Ever since we’ve been stuck on this Island, strange things have started to happen around us. We are currently unsure the root cause of these strange occurrences. But aside from that, I should start the story from the beginning.

Comments(4)

2015-11-07 10.56.49

almost 4 years ago Amanda Wagner (OFFLINE) said:

WOW! i really enjoyed this a lot. everything seemed so good, but there were a few grammar mistakes like the reviews said. I really like how you used a lot sensory detail, very descriptive, and a well done story. Good job :)

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almost 4 years ago onefootinhellalready said:

Your main character is really interesting and realistic, your story got me interested straight away. Something the swearing was unneeded but I can live with that. The action always feels needed and is always used perfectly; it flows like a read fight would. All in all I think your very talented and keep writing :)

Mi

almost 4 years ago Artemis J. Potter said:

This is probably going to be one of those long reviews, just to warn you, but I hope I help as far as feedback goes:

I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way. I liked the story, it was certainly action-packed, but I also felt like it was running too fast at some parts, which made it harder for me to enjoy. Some parts I had a hard time telling what was going on.

I liked how you jumped into the adventure, but I also found it harder to enjoy at some points. I would suggest slowing it down a bit to have the characters get to know the characters and settings.

I don't want to sound like a grammar freak, but there were some mistakes that made the story not flow as smoothly as it could have. I would suggest spacing out your paragraphs, only because it's harder to read when they're all together.

I don't want to sound like a prude, but I found some of your uses of swears a bit excessive. I'm not one who is easily offend by profanity--in fact, I can swear like a sailor whenever I'm not around younger people ;)-but it feels a bit unnecessary at some points. An example would be when you had someone call the MC a "s--tbag" or something like that (I would look back at what you said, exactly, but my computer's acting crappy and won't let me :P). I also know that it could offend some people, so you may just want to keep that in mind and maybe limit your use of language/warn people in the description.

I don't want to sound like I'm just criticizing your story, because I did like it. I think you did well with your MC--I've only read the first chapter, but they (sorry, I can't remember if they were a he/she so I'll just say "they" :P) came to life on the few pages I read. I wish I could write an MC like that--it takes me awhile to get into the groove of my character. But enough of me. I think this story has potential and was just pointing out what I hope we'll be constructive criticism rather than just plain criticizing. Good luck on future writing projects!

Cool4

almost 4 years ago Katie ZaBAM said:

This is a really cool story!! I looooove the way your main character thinks. He's kind of a spaz and that's always fun to read about, haha. The action in this story is really cool and I love the cliffhanger that chapter 1 ended on :) Great job so far and happy writing!

Reviews(6)

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over 3 years ago Sonny Martin said:

This is a great concept and clever idea for a book. I love your wide use of vocabulary. However, I would like to suggest a couple of things.

-There are a couple of times when you switch tenses (from past to present). I think that for the most part you are talking in past tense, so I would highly recommend looking back at your work and changing the sentences in the present tense to the past.

-Slow down. I got a little bit lost as you jumped right into the action. I'm not saying that is a bad thing, but I would suggest giving a little bit more background on your character as well as the setting he is in.

Other than that, THIS IS SO COOL!!! KEEP WRITING!!!

Mxm forevs

almost 4 years ago Hilary said:

YAHH! I'M SO SORRY I'M LATE!!!! ASDYCJGCNGXHRZGRZYJHCNGBGZHFZBFZBTZHRZBFXHRhfxbfxbfxbgcfhxbfxbfxhedges!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways, ignore the freak out, *appears to look sophisticated*, your story plotline is unique, bit you need to work on your writing style a bit more.

First of all, don't say the and I so much, it gets extremely repetitive. Try switching it up a bit too get the reader interested!

Also, I want to give you this one tip I received in a review that changed my writing style forever, do not tell the story, explain it as though you are painting a picture in someone's head. Put some meat on those bones! There were so many good scenes, you just rushed them thorough. Slow down and explain them.

You might also want to give your writing the quick once over for grammatical issues, but, don't worry, they are minor! ^-^

Again, I'm sorry this is so late and short, but I didn't see that much wrong. Todiloo! ;-)