Crash Land

Crash Land

1 chapter / 1390 words

Approximately 7 minutes to read


Sirius Stargazer and Celeste Lightman find themselves stranded on an abandoned planet.
©2014. Cover by DJV



over 2 years ago Three Gerbils said:

Wow, this was a good read! Minerva is such a neat name for a planet. You have cool names for your characters... especially Sirius. It seems like there should be more to the story though... it would be great if you continued. =)

Hilton head pic crop 2

almost 3 years ago Tonya Royston said:

Great job on this! It was very well written. I loved how you got the action going, but also explained the back story in between the dialogue. I would suggest adding some details about what the characters look like. For example, where you mentioned her eyes - add a color. Instead, it could just be "her green eyes". That gives the reader a little to go on. You did a fantastic job describing the castle - I loved that twist. And this really does read like the first chapter - you should keep working on it someday!


almost 3 years ago M. Prince said:

The only grammar error I remember seeing (that isn't to say it's the only one) is the one at the end - "seeing as your my chaperone" should be "seeing as you're my chaperone". As for the content, well. You had a huge interlude just explaining the situation. This took up a huge portion of the word count - if not most of it. It's not quite as fast paced as I like short stories to be, but to each their own, right? A couple things that bothered me: at the beginning, you made the analogy "If she had fire powers, she'd probably be burning a hole through the floor". That hints and heavily implies this to be a fantasy story with inhuman talents and powers etc. I probably wouldn't use that phrase if I were you - it's a bit misleading. Also, there are technical errors with the story. The investigation is conducted to study Martians, yet the characters and swept off course and land on a foreign planet out of their solar system. My friend, it seems as if a mere asteroid would not do the job to drive a spaceship so off course it leaves the solar system entirely. I'd set the investigation to have a completely different destination if I were you. Rather than Martians, use a totally made up word (bonus points if you can get it to have a root word from Latin or French or German) to call aliens from a completely different solar system (or if you're dreaming big, galaxy). Also, the characters seem a tad bit raw and predictable. For 1.5K words, you can get the characters to be a bit more rounded (then again, take away all the explaining in the middle and you probably don't have enough space to develop the characters). Anyway, I hope that helps a bit. Sorry if I sound overly critical. It's not that I don't like it; it's just that I usually only comment on the things that could be improved on (unless I'm tired then I leave a generic comment). ANYWAY SORRY FOR THE LOONG COMMENT KEEP WRITING CHEERS


almost 3 years ago Ammara Imtiaz said:

OK, truth be told, this isn't really my type of story - it's just a matter of personal preference, however, I quite enjoyed this. Your flow of writing is flawless and I don't think I spotted any grammatical mistakes. This looks like it's a story which can have a brilliant plot so well done!



almost 3 years ago viola_masters said:

I usually don't read sci-fi, so I didn't know what to expect as I started reading. But I really enjoyed it! The characters were amazingly developed in the short time that we saw them and the suspense you built up was fantastic.

A few things: *I really loved the optimist/pessimist contrast you played between the two. That definitely showed their personalities and their friendship.

*The comedy in the fight was delightful! "At least we're not dead." I cracked up.

*'dodge it before finally caught up with her.' before he caught up?

*'Celeste didn't get what she wants,...' - did you mean wanted?

*I can't believe you left the story hanging in so much suspense! I need to know what happens next! AH!

That's really all I noticed. I really enjoyed your writing style, so I'm definitely going to follow and read more of your work later. Definitely keep writing and keep me updated! Thanks for swapping!


almost 3 years ago Chantelle Mathewson said:

What you've got here is brilliant. A futuristic world in which scientists find a new planet isn't a new idea and has been explored several times, but you made it seem new. You made it your own, and that's the most important part. Not only was the concept new, but so were your characters and your terms. You owned it all though, and somehow, I felt as if I was in the present day Earth and all of this that you were explaining was normal.

Both of your characters were unique and had their own voices. The only suggestion I have to improve them is this: I wasn't entirely sure how old the two were. I would assume they were at least in their twenties because of the jobs they both have, but I could be wrong as this is a futuristic world. So, I would just make that more clear, maybe through the way they speak. Some of their dialogue felt as if they may be teenagers. There's nothing wrong with that. I just would like to see it be more clear.

I'd like more description of this new planet. You say that it's very beautiful and that it's an amazing place, but I'd like to see even more. It wouldn't hurt to devote a few paragraphs to describing exactly what they see.

Overall, I was very impressed. I thought you did a great job,and it seemed very convincing and real. I really do hope you expand this. If you were to, I would read it! If you have any questions about my opinion, or just my review in general, feel free to swing by my wall and ask!