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Approximately 5 minutes to read
A teenage girl figures out her boyfriend is cheating on her, her dad was abusive and her mom lied to her about her dad--all in the same day.
over 2 years ago The lonely Girl said:
In the little time it took me to read this I was crying like a baby this story has so much emotion. I don't get how you could pack so much emotion into a story this was amazing!
almost 3 years ago Holly Brooke said:
Emotional, but a good story
almost 3 years ago Veronica Wolf said:
This was a really good story. I know that I would be super upset if I went through all of this in one day. I found a few small errors, like one time you said though instead of through. But, as I earlier stated I really enjoyed this story and I found it very well written. KEEP WRITING!
about 3 years ago L.B.K said:
I liked the story a lot. It was very interesting yet, I feel like maybe a more background about the girl may give the reader more connection. Also, maybe you can foreshadow about how the boy cheats more because it sounded like he was faithful in the beginning. Other than that I think that the whole story was good. I could see and feel the girls pain and I could tell how hurt she was. I have never been in this situation but, I would hate to know that my boyfriend was cheating on me. Great job overall! :)
about 3 years ago Eibhleann Cooperman said:
This looks great so far. At the moment, it feels quite short, like there's something missing. There's a slightly rushed feeling to the whole piece.
I know there really isn't much time to do so, but I think it might help if you gave your readers a little more to connect to in the main character. All I can see is a teenage girl acting stereotypically emotional. That's not necessarily a bad thing but it does turn me off a bit. Maybe letting us see her mindset more would help.
It seems like she overreacts to her mother "lying" to her. From what you've written, it doesn't seem that any lies were told. This furthers the childish impression I get from the main character. She's counting her mother not telling her about her father's abusive behavior as lying. It would be better if you gave some instance in which her mother really had lied to her.
Overall, you did a wonderful job. Even though I didn't like the main character, I did feel for her. It was a well written piece showing the fragility of our happy little bubbles of existence. Thank you for sharing!
about 3 years ago Marissa Riggs said:
This is off to a very good start. At the moment, it seems a little unbalanced, a little skeletal. Flesh out the story some more. When I say 'unbalanced', I mean you spend so much time talking about Miles that the tragedy with her father seems to be but a little blip of time. I think it would be more effective if the latter had a little more weight to it.
But other than that, good work!