Slumberland

Slumberland

3 chapters / 0 words

Approximately less than 5 seconds to read

Description:

This story has been pulled for some major overhauling and rewriting Thanks for the support. Check back :D

Jory has lived an ordinary life until she turns thirteen. She meets Louse who is a strange character that leads Jory into the strange place called Slumberland.
Work in progress!!! Please feel free to give me som good CC!

Comments(17)

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about 5 years ago KillerCupcake said:

Sounds interesting enough, if only I could read it.

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almost 6 years ago Anon Y. Mouse said:

did you mean to have...no words?

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almost 6 years ago Account Moved said:

It's really unique, interesting, witty, and... AMAZING! I absolutely love it, and I won't be surprised it I find this in a bookstore someday.

Riding lesson 002

almost 6 years ago Kate said:

This is a really interesting story line. I've seen this book around on figment before, but never got the chance to read it. I'm glad that I have now. It's very engaging, even if the chapter are a little long :)

I really like Louse. He appeared to be to be very cute. And Jory. Hmm she was interesting. I'm curious as to see where you take her character. Actually, I'm curious as to see where you take this entire story.

Good Job!!! :)

Reviews(2)

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almost 6 years ago Deserae McGlothen said:

Review Summary: -Story sounds all too familiar and, still, the plot is unclear -Writing feels rushed or unfocused -Author clearly knows what’s happening but events get lost in translation -Needs to be thought out again. Not re-imagined, just refocused.

GRADE: Solid C leaning toward C- (It passes, but so can you. Project needs TLC from the author before the reader can truly enjoy it)

SLUMBERLAND is the kind of project that leaves me confused. This is not just because it’s an uncompleted first draft with strangely formed sentences and its fair share of typos, but because I don’t know what I’m supposed to be reading about. I have to say I was a little disappointed. Not unsurprised, but disappointed all the same. Because even though I expected SLUMBERLAND to have been shaped from Lewis Carroll’s ALICE IN WONDERLAND, I didn’t expect it to be a rip off of the tale. Actually, I didn’t know what to expect from it at all.

The problem is this: I’m not sure SLUMBERLAND has a definite plot yet. If it does, the pitch doesn’t prove it to me. If it does, the story hasn’t proven that to me, yet. So far, what I have surmised is that Jory starts waking up from strange dreams after her thirteenth birthday (we get to see one of those dreams in the “prologue,” but I’m not sure I want to), and wakes up on one of those days to find a strange cat named Louse outside her window. After a bit of banter, he agrees to take her to a magical land and, when they get there, Jory grows a pair of Double Ds and four years older, and Louse is then able to identify her as the long lost princess. The only place I can see this story going is with Jory working her way through Slumberland until she gets to the castle where she’ll meet the evil Empress who has taken over since her “disappearance.” Whether there’ll be a fight for the crown or not, I don’t know. And I almost don’t care because I can’t help but wonder if the author just read ALICE IN WONDERLAND (and THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS) and then decided to change some stuff.

Seriously. I am a huge Alice fan so trust me when I say that the following things could easily be substitutes for scenes and characters from the original story:

Jory= Alice Louse= the white rabbit (only, Louse is friendlier and more helpful) Coffee= tea WakinJack= Mad Hatter, possibly? Sudden growth spurt= Alice’s sudden growth spurt Jory crying until a pool appears= Alice’s pool of tears Slumberland= Wonderland

It shocked me to find so many similarities. It shocked me because there was no mention that the story was supposed to mirror ALICE IN WONDERLAND. I think if credit were given, I would have been more forgiving, but since there wasn’t anything in the description that said “spoof of Alice” or “based on the events and happenings of Wonderland,” I feel like the author needs to take a step back and rethink this world they’re creating. Are they trying to mirror Carroll’s world, or are they trying to do something different? If it’s the latter, they need to seriously come up with a plot that kicks butt and try again with some of the detailing. And (I know you’ve all probably heard this before) if you’re going to write, you need to read things that are similar to your piece so you know what’s ALREADY out there. NOT so you can copy--- so you can see it, learn from it, and make it flipping better.

I’ll step away from that and focus on the writing itself. I have read the comments left before and have come to find that this author has dyslexia. For that, I must say they’ve done a pretty good job, but pretty good is only alright for the average--- for the manuscripts that sit on our computers while we grow old and tired and forget they ever existed. But someone said they wanted to see this on bookshelves some day so I have to speak some truths about the quality of the piece so the author can figure out what needs to effectively change to get it presentably there.

The author knows what’s happening action and gesture wise, but doesn’t articulate it clearly. Some stuff gets lost in translation because of the sentence structure, formatting (when it comes to dialogue. New paragraph when a new character speaks. MINOR exceptions include inner thoughts, simple movements of the mouth, and things of that nature. Also italicize the inner thoughts to separate it from the text. It’s not required but I always recommend it), and other things like word choice and pure randomness. Also, things sometimes feel rushed or planted just to move the story forward. I feel like it’s all too convenient that Louse discovers he knows so much about being human, and am kind of annoyed we have to endure that flashback at that point in the story. Is it necessary? Oops. Went off topic… But it happens again with Louse suddenly realizing she’s a princess when she grows some nunga nungas. Do we need Louse to make everything suddenly make sense? Who is he, anyway?

What I’m saying is, the ideas are there--- some original, most not--- but the quality is average right now. Leaning toward less than. The fact that one has dyslexia does not make agents or publishers kinder toward fixable mistakes--- ESPECIALLY on a debut author’s manuscript. I just think it means the author has to push harder, go the extra mile, check, check, and double check so that no one has an excuse--- NO ONE--- to question their talent or ability or ideas or whatever.

So my last gripe has to do with Jory herself. And if she starts out thirteen, why does she have to grow to be a seventeen year old? Her voice as a child is MUCH stronger and the writing was clearer at that point, too. The project is overall a nice read if you want to be involved in another Wonderland, but until it moves forward, it doesn’t offer much to its readers. Author, make a plan and get focused. SLUMBERLAND can be pulled off with a bit of tough love and direction.

Good luck, Deserae McGlothen

P.S. The dream sequence prologue?... Axe it.

Land-of-lost-monsters1

about 6 years ago Blossom T. Knightly said:

Hmm. I like your story, it's very interesting, but your sentence structure is quite confusing. I think you have something there, but they way you word your sentences just... doesn't make sense. I think you mentioned in your bio that you have dyslexia, so maybe that's it. I would suggest going and getting someone to help you word your sentences well if you plan to publish it. I think you should, because it's actually quite good, and just needs some adjusting. Bloz