Golden

Golden

10 chapters / 17353 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read

Genres:

Writing, Comedy, Novel

Comments(21)

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almost 3 years ago sarah ruth said:

Update!

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about 3 years ago sarah ruth said:

Yay!! They got back together! :)))))))

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about 3 years ago .V.R said:

Update please!❤

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over 3 years ago A.A. AL-Bark said:

Okay so I only have time to read the first chapter today sorry. But it was written very well, I just wish there was a little more detail and character to Robyn. But what do I know I've only read the first chapter right. But I will be sure to come back and finish the rest when I'm Not so busy. Good work so far.

A.A.

Reviews(7)

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over 3 years ago Sebastien McCarthy said:

Alright, so here’s my review.

You started off the story fairly well with Mr. Grant telling Robyn to see him after class. It’s a great way of getting the reader thinking. Is she in trouble? What did she do? Great questions that pull a reader into the story. However, revealing what Mr. Grant’s intentions were answers those questions, which, in turn, diminishes the effect of your opener. I would leave that out of the preface and also have Robyn do something like roll her eyes and think something like, “Great, what did I do now?” One, so that we get an idea of who she is as a person and two, so that we know that Robyn Yeardley is the main character’s name. Otherwise, it just sounds like he’s calling up a random person. The sentences in the first paragraph need to be reworded a bit to help them read more smoothly and play up Robyn’s confusion upon receiving her grad. Something like: “I let out a groan when Mr. Grant handed me my paper, expecting another C to add to my collection. Preparing myself for the worst, I looked down at my grade and was shocked to see that Mr. Grant had given me an A. Normally, I’d be happy to receive an A, but I knew for damn sure that I didn’t deserve it. Hell, maybe that was why he wanted to see me. I went to raise my hand in hope of an explanation, but before I could get his attention, the bell rang.” See, from that paragraph, I already know that Robyn is a person who lands herself in trouble a lot, doesn’t put forth effort in school, and doesn’t take the teacher or authority figures too seriously. However, she is an intelligent, honest person who doesn’t accept anything, even good grades, if she feels that she doesn’t deserve it. That may not be who you see her as at all, but it’s just an example  One thing I would suggest is to paint a picture of how hectic it can get in the classroom so that the reader has something to visualize. Right now, I’m The field hockey sentence feels incomplete, so I would reword it a bit. Also, you change tense from past to present tense, which is something that you really need to look out for. It’s an honest mistake, but it can take the reader out of the story if you aren’t careful. “I sighed. Field hockey practice had been cancelled for that *afternoon* because the football game was later that night, and I didn’t have anything better to do, so why not?” “As he left (Insert Comma), I checked the clock. It was only two(-)twenty, and those who had to serve detention didn’t have to be here (Reword to: weren’t required to show up) until two(-) thirty. I sat down at his (Mr. Grant’s) desk and pulled out my phone. I looked up after a couple of minutes to see (Reword to: After a couple of minutes, I looked up to see)” “They either had the option to read (a book) or work on homework in detention, and I sat at the desk watching the boys. (Reword to: work on homework in detention; it was my job to make for sure that they did one of those two things). So far, you’ve done a good job of setting up the scene with “The Golden Boys” for some future conflict and the story has kept my attention so far, so good job with that. The dialogue between Robyn and the five boys flows very smoothly and I love that they actually speak to each other like actual people. Your ability to write realistic dialogue is impressive. Nice job! Love the way Robyn comments on her own thoughts. It makes her seem more realistic of a character. “By us (Insert Comma), I mean my best friends (Insert Comma), Grace and Paige.” Try to go more in depth on your descriptions of Grace and Paige. “Again (Insert comma), I nodded as I said my goodbyes to…” When describing Robyn feeling cold, try showing rather than telling. I’d rather get a vivid mental image of what’s going on than just a short sentence. Plus, why was that necessary information to the story. If you’re going to add in details, do so in a descriptive way that uses sarcasm to show more about the character and how his inner thoughts…or just ignore it. What’s interesting? “He looked both ways before looking back to me” (Rephrase this sentence) “Again (Insert Comma), I nodded…” “If you see anyone about to strip (Insert Comma), avert your eyes; and try not to drool.” I like Robyn starting to notice that she and Reece have a dynamic. I like a character that pays attention to details. Other than quite a few wording and grammar issues, this is a good start. Keep working on it and you might have a really good story on your hands.

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over 3 years ago V.ROSE said:

This is V.ROSE and I only got to read the first two chapters. I will come back for more, but now I should get started on this review for chapter 1 and 2.

Okay, so we meet our main character Robyn who ends up in the detention room as a supervisor. She meets the GOLDEN BOYS. Val, Drew, Bruce, Sam, and our love interest for Robyn, Reece Archer. We get to see a little bit of character development from the boys. I can tell you that I am loving Reece Archer already. It may be because I just love bad boys. I mean who doesn't?

I feel like the chemistry between Robyn and Reece is just a bit to choppy for my taste. I mean I don't mean in it in a bad way, I just feel like you rushed it a bit to quick on the relationship between these two characters. Don't get me wrong, I love the interactions between them, it's just I would like to see this relationship between Robyn and Reece to build up a bit more slowly. It feels more real when you kind of slow down the relationship. I mean by the time we get to chapter 2, it sounds like Robyn is already in love. Maybe slow it down a bit. I feel like I am in a child's mind, rather then a teen at sixteen or seventeen. I still love the romance, though.

Robyn, I love how she doesn't take shit from the Golden Boys. She isn't afraid to say what she wants to say. That is always good in a character and something I look forward to seeing a lot about in a character.

Reece Archer, I really do love his character. I love the whole bad boy type of guy. I mean I am getting glimpses into his character and he is very likeable. I love how he flirts, but I also love how Robyn is not afraid to talk back to him. It makes your dialogue that much more fun. The Golden Boys, I love that whole name you came up with. It just gives me the chills.

Side Character: Valentino, Drew, Bruce, Sam, Paige, and Grace. I really like the other characters and can't wait to see more from them. I really can't say a whole about these character because I have made that connection with them just yet.

Overall, I feel like the only thing you need to work on is slowing the story down.

If I sounded harsh in my review, I do apologize.

V.ROSE