Snow White

Snow White

1 chapter / 659 words

Approximately 3 minutes to read

Description:

My twist on a fairy tale.

Genres:

Writing, Short Story

Comments(5)

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over 3 years ago raindrop said:

;___; but...

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over 3 years ago sarah ruth said:

What a sad, interesting, and intriguing story!

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over 3 years ago Maija Sampson said:

Nice twist. I like the contemporary setting/change of scenery! Will you swap with me now! The Past As Our Name!

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over 3 years ago .V.R said:

You did great on this:D

Reviews(2)

Fallen angel

over 3 years ago Shannon-louisa said:

Okay this is a brilliant idea and twist of snow white. It is incredibly powerful and well written. However like what some others have said the you need to show more what is going on as toyou have the slight habbit of telling whats going on. I think that overall itvius excellent, and it shows that you have thought about what you want to write.

However please add more details in that describ what the room looks like and the people because its easy to imagine snow white but I cant really imagine what the others look like. Sorry, if once the compertuan has finsed it might work if you add more detail. Maybe a extra chapter to explain what happens next.

Yet I loved this work keep up writing awsome stuff. And keep writing in genral.

Littlelovelies141.128.449232

over 3 years ago Emily Faye [Back and alive] said:

Hello, Sierra:)

Okay, first I love that you added the traditional "appearance" of snow white. Since everyone knows who Snow White is, the bolded Snow White is not necessary.

Okay, your first sentence isn't quite gripping enough. You told a lot, not show. ...She lay in the hospital bed, the heart monitor beeping steadily... Show me. Try something like...As she lay in the hospital bed, she could hear the steady beeps of the heart monitor.

....The nurse walked in the room, looking on sadly... Firstly, the nurse walked into the room? Could you add some sensory details? Such as, ....I could hear the rustling of the nurse's skirt and the sound of her footsteps.... Also, looking on sadly? That sentence is a bit awkward.

When you change point of views, perhaps add an extra indent. I was a bit confused.

Okay, overall, this was a great piece of work. You should really promote this more.

Your pacing was great. You didn't throw the story in my face and drop me in the middle. It didn't seem rushed. Pacing was wonderful.

My main critique is adding details. Descriptions. Sensory Details. We want to experience it. We want to be able to feel it.

Great work:)