Arabella

Arabella

3 chapters / 5050 words

Approximately 25 minutes to read

Description:

FIRST DRAFT - WIP
Arabella is a normal girl, living a boring life in the little town of Hiddenville. But after she got struck, she realized that all was just an illlusion and she has to escape the 'Tutorial World' in order to find the other elements and avoid a deadly curse.

Genres:

Adventure, Fantasy, Novel

Comments(13)

Kissme

over 2 years ago Ghostfeather said:

First off, sorry for returning the favor of our swap so late!! This is a great story idea you have going here! I hope you do edit, and continue, it! I liked your description of the lighting, it gave me a clear image of how your protagonist views it. (: Great start!

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over 2 years ago Tonya Royston said:

I read your first chapter. This is really cool - you've opened with a lot of good things. First, the imagery of the storm (I love storms!), then the statement that she's not human, and at the end, the mystery guy. I would recommend writing out your numbers - instead of 5 minutes, make it five minutes. But that might be one of those things you mention fixing after you finish. I agree with your approach to editing, though. Get through the story - the action and the sequence of events. Then you can go back and fix things. That's exactly how I write, too. Overall, great job!

Imag0156

over 2 years ago Adrianna Waters said:

I really liked this! It's an interesting concept and I am hooked! I can't wait to read more. I actually read both chapter one and two because I couldn't stop. There are places that could be edited, but since you put an author's note at the beginning, it's understandable. I loved this! Great job!

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almost 3 years ago Charizma said:

It's a great book. Of course I'm ignoring the grammar mistakes. I was so hooked to reading it that I forgot I had to comment. It's amazing and thanks for reading mine. :)

Reviews(5)

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over 2 years ago Trish Destiny said:

The concept of this story is what I love the most - Its fanscinating how you utilize storm as main theme. Thought, its undeniable that I'd spot some grammar glitch and typos, but considering the author note your included in the book, I can comprehend that. Keep it on and Happy Writing!

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over 2 years ago Alexis Garrett said:

Chapter 1:

What I liked:

The shadowy person seems intriguing. I am interested in seeing how he will play out in the plot.

What can be improved:

I noticed a lot of places where you need to just do a spell check. It will catch all the spelling errors. I also noticed some grammar issues. I've listed them below. My suggestions are in brackets []. You are not required to follow my advise at all. They are just some of the things I noticed while reading through the story the first time.

[The verb tense changes awkwardly after the second paragraph. It was written in present, but now it's past. It needs to be consistent.]

"As [if] the storm read my mind,"

5 meters...1 minute... [Spell them out in the words. Remember the old grammar rule: one to ten, write it out; over ten use numbers. A branch fell in front of me... [How close? You said it almost took her life, but you never give much more details about it.]

Every moment is so precious... [Another awkward verb tense. I would keep an eye out for them during editing. Nothing turns away an agent faster.]

As I enter my small residence, i close all the windows... ["I" needs to be capitalized.]

I curled on my bed[,] wanting to wake up from this nightmare.

I slowly opened my brown eyes [and analyzed ] my lighted room.

"That was a weird dream[,]" I whisper[ed] to myself.

Checking [that] everything was alright...

Brushed my rushed pony tail. ["Rushed" doesn't feel right here. "Rushed" means fast, hurried, etc. I don't see how a ponytail can be rushed.]

I heard someone knocking in my rusty, greenish door. [How can they be knocking IN the door? Perhaps ON is a better word.]

Hold something [held something]

asked worried. [Who asked? And who's Arabella? You never mentioned the main character's name until now. I'm a bit confused here.]

last night['s] rush

This questions hid in my head all day long. [Okay, is it "this question" or "these questions"?]

started Zoe[,] annoyed[,]

I knew that. [How did she know that? Instinctively? That whispering voice? Anything at all?]

piercing mines [mine] and a strong hand was keeping my neck tied to a tree. [What? How can a hand tie something to a tree? Also, is it a person doing the tying? I need more details here.]

It seemed [like] a long, painful way back.

"I'm ok[,]"

Is[strike out "is" and replace with "It's"] a well known fact that I never liked history, nor the teacher.

You go at [replace "at" with "to"] the director's office.

after classes are over. After this specific class is over. [So which is it? One of the sentences needs to go.]

"Nobody important saw me[,]"

"You heard what I said[,]"

I sat down, trying to think at [omit "at"] something [reasonable] and normal.

I knew that I sounded like a desperate person struggling to survive. [How did she know that? Did her pitch raise? Was her palms shaky and sweaty?]

I was so desperate and [replace "and" with "that"] I wanted to scream.

and all [that] I could see was white.

"Who this man is?" [Perhaps "Who is this man?" would work a little better.]

Chapter 2:

What I liked:

I liked how you fleshed out Arabella. That makes her much more believable. Zoe also saw a lot of improvement.

What can be improved:

Like the last chapter, a sweep with a spell checker will fix most errors. I recorded some grammar problems with my suggestions in brackets next to them.

The first sentence of the second paragraph makes no sense. Showers were... [This whole paragraph is awkward and should be rewritten.]

good[,] health[y] condition.

Being the director's daughter, [The description here feels off in this paragraph.]

I instantly said[,] knowing the light thief.

"Who that new girl is?" [Reword. "Who is that new girl?"]

I said angrily, but slowly said [This does not make sense at all.]

more like an apologize [apology] than an explanation.

he got up and left the house so fast[,] that I had to remain [silent]. [Why does she have to be silent? Perhaps give us some emotion or thoughts here.]