Mist

Mist

1 chapter / 142 words

Approximately less than a minute to read

Description:

*Cover Courtesy of Phantom of the Opera (Amber)*
*Entry for June Challenge*
A boy finds out he has a very rare gift and wants to push it to the limit. He jumps off into a misty ravine, thinking this is his best opportunity to prove it to himself and the world. How did he expect to survive?

Comments(3)

Littlelovelies141.128.449232

over 3 years ago Emily Faye [Back and alive] said:

I love the simplicity of it. Like the raw emotion that poured in this piece. The only thing is that you can have so much fun with writing when a character smiles. A smile played on his lips. A grin danced on the corner of his lips. I would've loved to see something a bit more like that.

Dragon wallpaper

over 3 years ago AndreaKHill said:

Huh, I thought he was going to control the mist itself. Damn it!

I like now nutty the kid is. I don't know what the challenge is, but it wish you could bring out some more of that nuttiness with some movement. A smile. The rubbing of the hands. Something physical. It would really make it pop.

Serious fish

over 3 years ago K.Leah Lotus (*~Kim~*) said:

haha this kid is extreme. :P Nice work :)

Reviews(4)

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over 3 years ago Grace Hiddleston said:

Your review for winning, I have already read Fairytale :)

I liked your idea here, and the last sentence was powerful but there was something off about it. Maybe it wasn't explained thoroughly enough, and since this was for a contest/challenge, you probably had a word limit, but still I felt there could be more.

He clearly has a lot of feeling, with your part about how no one understood him, and now he has this gift that makes him great. That is described somewhat but you could have said much more about him, maybe not specific details because the mystery in such a short piece is great, but just him in that moment.

I felt the second paragraph could be reworded to be much more mature. His character seems very sure of himself and yet this paragraph makes him seem much more sloppy by the way its worded and mood of it and everything.

I really did like this piece overall however :) great!

Image

over 3 years ago J.C. Marie said:

I like the idea. However, I also feel as if by not utilizing as much of the 250 words as possible really hurt you. The piece feels sparse and underdeveloped. You had chances to take it the next level and I feel as if you passed then up.

There were a few missed commas in the second paragraph I believe, and some sentences could use rearranging. It felt as if you kept using the same sentence structure over and over again, and it became boring almost. Good luck and thanks for the swAP!