Comments(37)

Dulac

over 2 years ago Alex McCarron said:

This is very funny, with a great voice. I can definitely see it expanded into something longer--I'd love to spend more time with these characters!

Rachael 01

over 2 years ago R. E. Durbin said:

Putting aside the cursing of God's name, I really enjoyed this. So very, very glad I found it. Also proves that if you browse around here you're sure to find a gem or two (your story counts as a gem, btw).

I thought the setup was brilliant. Perfect really. Poor guy. Forget the shotgun, meat cleavers are the next things for Dads.

Oh, thought I'd just let you know me sister nearly gave me heart attack just now. Here I am, innocent little me, reading a semi scary story and she bloody knocks on back door, inches from my seat! Ahhhh! *chuckles* It's pretty funny now, during it...my heart stopped for a split second, I tell you.

I must say I didn't see the twist, where the daughter and father set this up, coming. Should have, I guess, but didn't. Nice job misleading me.

I also loved the conversation between Jason and God. So funny.

All in all, a good short story. Thanks for creating and posting it. Keep up the writing.

Image

over 2 years ago Robin Nova said:

hahaha this is amazing! I did not see that coming! Great work -Robin

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over 2 years ago Ada said:

Alright, I haven't read any of this yet, I just read the first little paragraph and I appreciate it already. Haha (: Okay, now I'll go read the rest.

Reviews(10)

Me

over 1 year ago Eastlyn Ullmann said:

Okay, this was hilarious! I have never enjoyed something on Figment quite so much! I really have no suggestions. This totally sounds like it would all occur in a teenage boy's head. The only thing I noticed is that, when he walks into the shop, you said "envelope" instead of "envelop."

Ab

over 3 years ago Anna Browne said:

*This review is for winning the Summer Camp award! Sorry it's been so long, I just haven't had the time. But don't worry, I didn't forget, and I have just enough time to squeeze in some extensive editing/reviewing right now! :)*

-Great job with the beginning here. When you were talking about the girl, I didn't think about her father being a butcher (even though it's obvious from the cover). My mind instantly went to being grossed out and yelling at your narrator for being really stupid and being a risk-taker. Than it says she's the daughter of the local butcher, and my mind eases a little. So as a result, you not only captured my interest in just the first few paragraphs, you also have me caring already for the narrator.

-Wonderful descriptions and imagery. I was able even able to smell the meaty air.

-I love your mention of the animal-rights activists and then being like "Oh, the contrast". Bitterly funny.

"The curtains part, and I see the girl that I have liked since the fourth grade" -- You need a bit more detail here. The narrator sees her, but where? Does she idle by the curtains, exit, turn her head back to answer somebody or check on something before he is confronted by her?

"the laughter inside of her now. She hates me" -- you don't need to say "She hates me" again. It worked the first time, but it doesn't the second time.

Her name is Anna? :D Hehe. That's awesome.

"before she shouts back. 'What!'" -- Change "What!" to "What?!".

-Her dad sounds like an ass. -.-

"What does 'Well' mean" -- "Well" should be "well".

-I love the 'conversation' between your narrator and God. Hilarious xD

-Oh. Her father isn't an ass xD

Overall, nice story. It got me engaged, it was written well and flowed smoothly. I think it's best kept alone, but it would also be a great beginning to a novella if you drew out the 'little trap' more. I definitely, wholeheartedly enjoyed this piece, so much so that it is the new featured work on my profile now. :)