Dreaming Out of Sync

Dreaming Out of Sync

11 chapters / 18940 words

Approximately about 2 hours to read

Description:

A group of recently graduated high school teens seek one last thrilling adventure for their summer before they begin college. This group is known for their summer adventures. Every summer their workaholic parents go to their company’s convention for the summer and they are left with more than enough money to get by. After some brainstorming throughout the year they decided that this summer they are going to sneak into 10 of the biggest amusement parks in the US after closing.

*****COVER CREDIT: Jessica Diamond*****

Comments(7)

Ll (2)

over 2 years ago L. L. Violette said:

This is quite good so far. I read the first chapter and found it intriguing and lighthearted in style, the spacing was a bit much but easily remedied. I happen to agree with the commentor below me who astutely requested more showing and less telling, but I believe your artful style, phrasing and dialogue can take you far in this area. I adore your premise, and just reading the description about the amusement park tour made me eager to look further into the story. I am interested to see how this turns out. Good job, keep writing!

LLV

Penultimate.128.610045

over 2 years ago Penultimate said:

I think you do more telling than showing. Maybe try doing a bit less narration and let the readers figure stuff out on their own.

Writer definition

over 2 years ago Newt Scamander said:

I liked this! I could feel Sky's excitement and the descriptions were good. I find it hard to believe that everyone in school knows about Sky and Davis except for Malia. Keep writing :)

Abstract

over 2 years ago Kindle said:

The story itself is very interesting; I like the premise. My biggest problem with it is that there are an awful lot of characters, so at times it's a bit difficult to follow.

Also a bit more description will help draw your readers in.

Cheers!

Reviews(11)

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over 2 years ago J.C. Marie said:

Review for Competitive Reviews- Final Review

Chapter 3

I find it funny that Sky was worried that there would be drama caused by Rose for liking Dion and Kat for liking Koda, but she could care less if she caused drama and would inevitably hurt Malia’s feelings by dating Davis.

When you say “I say in the most genuine way possible,” it comes off as not genuine at all (maybe that was what you were going for). It seems really out of character for Sky to feel any guilt at all. I still don’t understand why Sky hated the barista. Sky doesn’t even seem to know. Why did Kaylee have a mental breakdown? Was she being bullied? Was it stress? Was it Sky? Why would Sky be worried about the barista ruining their trip? She has no involvement, so that just seemed like a pointless question that made no sense in the context of the story.

I still don't get how all of their parents seem to be high up in the company. They all seem to be very intertwined and it just seems to be a bit unrealistic. Sky’s family has a condo in town? Why would they need that considering they have a house?

The addition of Spanish and the importance of heritage was so random and unnecessary. If you want to include something like that it needs to come into play earlier, like when she first interacted with her parents. Everyone talks about the WNBA as if it is fact. But it is just a possibility that might not happen because of injury, she might not be good enough. She shouldn’t be so worried about the future and its effects on others since it might now happen.

So why is everyone assuming she would come back to run Garker? Nepotism? What if her family had found someone to be more competent than her while she was away, or she had decided that wasn't what she had wanted to do (which she did)?

Just because people didn't say they would visit her at that particular moment in time, doesn't meant they won't. Where is Bri going to school again? I don't remember, but I am thinking California. Even though they do have money, would she really be able to go to all of Sky's games?

I feel like in this chapter towards the middle I like Sky more. She feels guilt and regret and she understands where she went wrong. However, it doesn't meld well at all with the Sky you have painted in the previous chapters. But then she very quickly went back to being the same old Sky when she said people don't appreciate her as she should. She doesn't appreciate them as she should, so most likely they are going to behave in the same manner. Why wouldn't Rose's siblings have been home? She made it seem like a big deal, but they live there.

Just so you know I am closing down my queue for awhile so I can catch up on what else is in there. I am heading to college and I don’t want to have anything I don’t have time to review. I should open it back up a few weeks into September and will post on your wall to let you know (if you want, tell me on my wall if not) that you can post in the queue again for reviews.

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over 2 years ago J.C. Marie said:

Review for Competitive Reviews

Chapter 2

Her flipping out at Malia was totally uncalled for. What is she had a family emergency or something? It reinforces my dislike of Sky from the last chapter. Also, you think she would be more sympathetic of the situation, considering she herself once was in the same situation. Imagine what will happen when Malia finds out that she and Davis are dating.

You mention that Bri and Malia had gotten closer at the same time Rose and Sky had. What brought Rose and Sky together? You mention a lot of things but you very rarely give us the appropriate background on them for a proper understanding of relationships and the people involved. She said “add that to the drama list” about Malia’s feelings. Sky does not come across as a real friend. She doesn’t seem to care about Malia’s feelings. She says she doesn't want to hurt her because she and Davis are now dating, but she seems to get mad at Malia for feeling the way she does.

So what about this trip makes it Sky’s dream? How are things with Rose’s family? What about her brothers annoys her? Give us more information. Another thing is that Rose seems to be painted in the light of the less fortunate friend worthy of pity, yet doesn’t she have the same life as everyone else? Why do they all live on the same street? How is that even possible? Ok, her treatment of Malia was totally uncalled for. Just the way she freaks out at her about this. From what you have said this is more Sky’s dream, so if Malia misses a meeting would it really matter?

What happened with Malia and Sky’s relationship? I feel Rose is much too dependent on Sky. And then when Sky said Rose is “10 times she friend Malia was,” that was so awful. She may not be her best friend, but they are still friend and that is not how friends treat each other.

What about Garker is so important? What do the parents even do there? And it just doesn’t make sense that almost all of the parents would be the same way, they are all different people with distinct personalities. It seems like Garker almost brainwashes them. What kind of friend would lie about not coming back? She worries about Rose being on her own, but she gets Rose’s hope up that she will be coming back. Maybe this will encourage Rose not to grow too close to other people because she believes Sky is coming back. And then she will be crushed.

Ok, and basketball. You mention it is a big part of who she is, but that doesn't really come through. You have mentioned it maybe twice. I feel like it should take up more of Sky’s thoughts. All of these characters seem too perfect. Perfect families, perfect lives, perfect futures. It just seems to unrealistic. Where you say “Did I say I was coming back for college…,” you made it sound like Sky led Rose to believe she was just a few lines before, so that line is unnecessary.

You say Sky just started at the school, but how is that possible? She has obviously been apart of these people’s lives for awhile. You keep mentioning Sky breaking the rules. Show us, don’t just tell us she does it. Give us an example. Obviously this trip they are taking, but I am not really convinced Sky is such a daredevil.

What is bugging her? Why is Rose upset? These just seems to happen for no reasons whatsoever. Why does she tell Kat first if Rose is her supposed best friend? How would her dream crush everyone else’s? They all have separate lives to live. The odds of them all coming back and living like their parents apparently do are improbable. There should be more background on the barista and her relationship with Kat. It felt very rushed. And what is this about Kat being more important to Sky than Rose? Once she was best friends with Malia, now Rose, but maybe now Kat? That just isn’t something a real friend would do. You can have more than one best friend. Why did Sky hate the barista?

Sky worrying about Bri being late for class seems oddly out of character, as she only ever seems to worry about herself and how other’s actions will affect her. Ok, so why would Bri and Sky need a break from everyone else? What do they do? And why has it been more often than not lately? Why was Rose upset that morning? Rose is much too dependent on Sky, especially since Sky doesn't seem as invested in their friendship as Rose is.

Why would they meet at Garker? It is their parents work, you wouldn't think they would be allowed there. I don’t know a single teacher who would write a person a pass to another class, even if you had an A and it was the last day of class. It just seems out of character for a teacher. I think Rose overreacted a bit. So Sky left, Rose should be able to survive for five minutes without her. What did Rose do before Sky if she can’t survive without her now?

And then Sky isn't sorry at all. I really hate Sky as a person. She is just awful. And I think it kind of ruins the story for me, because I don’t want to keep reading about someone who is so rude and callous about their friends and their relationships. I feel like this turned less into a review of the story and more on a commentary on what I find wrong with Sky, and for that I am sorry. But I feel that Sky’s personality is something that needs to be changed within the story.

How would Malia not have heard about Davis and Sky? They don’t seem to be trying to hide it all that hard when Malia isn’t nearby, but this is high school. People would talk about it and she would overhear and things would fall apart. What things do Sky and Davis talk about? I want more of an insight into their relationship.

Skating seems so out of character for Sky. She seems rather prissy and entitled, so I would assume she would insist on riding in the car. Also, I feel this was rather suddenly brought on. Another issue I have is the made a comment about Ronnie in a negative manner in regards to skating, but she does it herself. But of a contradiction.

“Enjoy life and spread the good vibes?” I feel like I have no idea who Sky is because she puts on a different facade for every single person she interacts with.

Why is is such a shock she isn’t coming back after college? And again, why hasn’t she told Rose? Wouldn’t it be better to tell Rose first and then give her time to come to terms with it? How are they going to pass as workers? Wouldn’t hiding be a better idea? They have someone on the inside? It just seems to perfect that they know a person who just happens to watch the cameras who will watch out for them. Where is the drama of being caught on camera? So Kat is dating a guy she doesn't like? And he isn't in the same town? That seems like a pointless side plot that isn't going to end up developed. Since when does Chik-Fil-A deliver food to tables?

The flow of events is pretty good, but there is a lot of disconnect between people and their relationships. I don’t really understand a lot of the dynamics between the friends and their families because you mention them but don’t go into detail.

Last one should be either today or tomorrow.