A City From Ashes

A City From Ashes

3 chapters / 8157 words

Approximately 41 minutes to read

Description:

COVER BY THE AMAZING NOELLE ALABASTER!!

It's the future. Everyone looks and dresses the same. Everything looks the same. Everything is controlled. Ruby White doesn't look like the "normal" Upper Crust girl. Those like Ruby are called Quirks. Soon everything in the Upper Crust changes. Quirks are sectioned off to live in separate living spaces, and are told when to do everything. When Ruby defies the rules, she is sent to the Lower Crust-- A world below The Upper Crust that no one has ever come back from. Ruby learns along the way that the society has secrets, secrets that could change the life she lives.

Comments(27)

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over 2 years ago N. Philm Nigatiley said:

For the swap: Oh, gosh... to begin with,this is so much better than any of my writing!! Stupendous job! Your writing draws people in and sucks them into the story. I love your creativity and intense vocabulary as well. So I only read one chapter, but I will undoubtedly come back and read more when I have more time!! I want to know what happens! :D I also want to say that the cover of this book makes people want to read it. :) -Phlinn

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over 2 years ago Rave DeGuchi said:

Hello :) I am answering your swap request. I like the idea and am curious where is this going :) Xav has my thumbs up for being awesome brother. *There is few echoes which aren't necessary: The fact that no one ever comes back from Lower Crust (To mention that once is enough :) *You are using too many of "That can't be good"s. *I think it has too much of description, there isn't much room left for a readers imagination. *It just sounded weird when Ruby said she doesn't wanna look weak, she is trying to be strong. Well, she cries about everything, so I was under impression she is either very very young or very sensitive. To be strong seems like a wish coming out of her mouth.

Overall this could be very nice piece. It just needs editing. But there's always bunch of time for that :)

Good job! Keep writing, I wanna know what is Lower Crust like :) It sounds like a Paradise to me :)

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over 2 years ago Nicolette Christiansen said:

I'm sorry. I don't know why it doubled...

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over 2 years ago Nicolette Christiansen said:

Hey there! This is for our swap :)

Easy-fix errors: "You know that(,) aside from you and Olly(,) nobody...

"you don't notice them(,)" Xavier replied

You have controller lowercase "the controller returned his weapon" (C)ontroller is what I think you meant.

"What are you doing with her(?)"(h)e yelled aggres... lowercase "H"

"Do we ever?" (a)sked Olly...lowercase

I like the "caramel" hair description Aww when they were taking the sister, it reminded me of the hunger games a little. Sad face!! Go Xavier for fighting! Your story has a lot of new vocabulary that I'll need to get used to like Quirks, and Controllers and upper/lower crust, but I feel like that's what creates inside jokes and a fan base and those shirts people wear, where only people who've read the book understand it. lol I really enjoyed your writing style. It's easy to read, easy to get through, and very likable characters.

Hearted!

Reviews(11)

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over 2 years ago C.D. Jameson said:

A City From Ashes Review Alex Black

Prologue

vivacious ← good word

'Quirks' ← you inform the reader of who these people are through exposition within the third paragraph of your story. Could you not through some dialogue or another interaction of some kind let the reader know about them? As it stands the exposition weakens the plot by removing the chance for the reader to find this information through the exploration of the world you are making.

Ruby asked sounding ← Ruby asked[,]sounding...

And so outside of home ← you do not need both conjunctions – so outside of home – works well.

I see even later you actually do describe through conversation what a 'Quirk' is. This would be enough for your reader and not so much like holding there hand. At this point I'd just suggest outright removing that sentence of exposition in the third paragraph.

“At least you are allowed to marry,” Ruby said ← what follows this is more exposition as to what a 'Quirk' can or can't do. This sentence infers they cannot marry. Without going on to much more about this idea I wanted to point it out again to make sure it's clear. Avoid exposition like what follows this phrase. Use instead, phrases like this one throughout conversation to slowly reveal the life of a 'Quirk' it is far more interesting.

Grey pixels formed around the surface of his toes ← very interesting... are they in some kind of virtual world?

All houses; white glass and black doors, ← this is not an independent clause so the [;] is not appropriate here. It is however a clarification of what the houses are and therefore you could use a [:]

Nice description of the station's scent

which contrasted brightly from everyone else ← which contrasted brightly [with] everyone else – I think...

don't notice them” Xavier replied ← don't notice them[,]”Xavier replied

Xav pulled out his; white with a silver stripe ← same thing again what follows [his] is not an independent clause so the [;] is not appropriate but as a clarification you can use the [:]

The train pulled... pulling to a complete ← pull's repetition here is awkward for your flow. I would recommend replacing the second with [coming]

The back of the train as unclean ← nice description of how dirty the train is

“New rules, all Quirks have to sit in the back ← clarification - “New rules: all Quirks have to sit in the back.

Final thoughts...

You succeed nearly all the time in doing what I think is most important in these kind of world building situations: you demonstrate how the world works through your character's interactions and observations of it. You also have a good grasp on your grammar. This allowed for your story to flow and I was not interrupted by petty errors. Worth mentioning as well I think you did an excellent job of your descriptions. The bottle-nosed train, how dirty the back was, your character descriptions, were all very good.

Having read only one chapter I can't go into much detail regarding the plot nor would I expect that you would reveal much of it. Actually, on the contrary, I'm glad you didn't. You chose instead to go through character development which is vital for the reader to start to become invested in your story.

Very good writing.

I truly hope you find my feedback not only useful as a means to improve your writing but also as a way to enjoy it more.

I look forward to someone of with your quality of writing having a look at my work 'Stone Heart'.

Sincerely C.D. Jameson

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over 2 years ago Kaylee Bowing said:

Ugh, autocorrect. Continue WRITING not reading.

-Kaylee