The Boy Downstairs

The Boy Downstairs

3 chapters / 6169 words

Approximately 31 minutes to read

Description:

UNDER REVISION (see profile for details)
cover by me
It is 1943 Germany... Christi is living with her parents in the middle of war. Hungry, cold, and desperate, they agree to hide a Jewish boy in their basement, making a small commission for his board. Torn between politics, Chrsiti it unsure about the situation, but knows her life, and the lives of everyone she loves are on the line. Over time Christi finds herself falling for Nik, the boy downstairs, and as the war gets more ferocious their love sets sail onto rougher waters they cannot fathom.

*working on a German translation page*

Comments(13)

Theia

over 2 years ago Cynthia Silver☾✯ said:

First off, I want to congratulate you on a really descriptive beginning. Very detailed, imaginable, whatever. Great way to start it off.

I also like your character development, how Christi is a artist, and she kinda worries about Nik staying with them.

One thing I would change is "exclaims" in "'Christ, now!' Papi exclaims..." It just doesn't seem to... fit. Maybe "ordered", or "called"? I didn't notice any other flaws, so good for you! This was an enjoyable read! Thanks for swapping!

Profilepic

over 2 years ago Alessandra Denzett said:

Wow, just... WOW.

I only read the first chapter, but this is so realistic! I could almost feel as if I was the one sitting in the kitchen, listening to the rain outside.

WWII is one of my fave topics to read about. I know this kind of story is really hard to write, but you did an amazing job.

Happy figmenting!

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over 2 years ago Jessica said:

This was incredible! I really loved everything about it! The tone and characters were so well developed that it pulled me right in. Everything felt so realistic and genuine which I know can be really challenging when you are writing a piece like this. It is hard to keep everything authentic but you really did a great job. I will say it again, I really enjoyed reading this.

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over 2 years ago C.M. Brighid Bachleda said:

This is an interesting twist to the Holocaust...

Keep rocking, rolling and writing!! ^_^ ♥

Reviews(2)

Coast

over 2 years ago HT Fallen said:

Return for The Forgers:

Here are just a few things I picked up on as I read. Feel free to use or disregard as you see fit.

It took me a second to get the first sentence. It's artful, and a really lovely line, but I think it might be better used once you've established that it is, in fact, raining. Maybe swap it with the "the rain leaks" in the next sentence.

tranquility of the kitchen[.] It's always cold during the winter; the air, refreshing - as it is, it's a comma splice.

"Christi, I thought" - make this a new paragraph. Someone new is speaking.

I like how you introduce the central topic of the story. You integrate it smoothly, rather than beating the reader over the head with it.

Ten[-]year[-]olds - should be hyphenated; the "child" is implied, so it becomes a compound adjective.

He's Jewish, [or as Hitler calls them, der Feind.] - As is, you have a sentence fragment, and a semi colon that should be a comma. Also, you have "at" instead of "as"

It might not be a bad idea to brush up on semi-colon usage. You seem to be substituting them for commas a lot. They serve to separate independent clauses, not offset parenthetical phrases.

grey[-]pleated jumper

all the time[;] timber is expensive - splice

down stairs should be one word

"needed to be moved!" [h]e exclaims

"I have blankets," [s]he says - also maybe check out the rules for dialogue tags. I'm kind of awful at explaining things, but it's basically like they're all one sentence, so you don't need to capitalize he/she

"Your art things!" [S]he gestures - this would not be a tag; it's a separate sentence, so it should be capitalized.

from [its] knot - homophone. it's a contraction for "it is"

isn't very much[;] we've had to sell

This is a very cool insight on what went on during the war, from a unique perspective.

"Nein[,]" I like that you're adding some native language, but it sort of implies that they would be speaking in another language in normal conversation, which is kind of strange.

better sleep soon[;] I have school ... much later [tomorrow].

On the whole, I think you're off to a great start. There are some grammar things - specifically, comma splices (and semi-colon usage) and dialogue tags that could use some cleaning up, but other than that, you're doing great. Good luck with this!

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over 3 years ago Rayne Lovett said:

Hey! :) I read the first chapter. The plot has quite some potential and it's great that you've managed to characterise the whole family quite nicely.

I would have liked more detailed descriptions of what is outside Christi's window (i.e. the setting). Are they living in a well-to-do area? Could she see destroyed buildings? Injured people? Those are some stuff you could have contrasted more against what she was painting. Another thing you could have done to enhance the story is to describe the tension and worry for her family that Christi is feeling in more detail.

And other than a few grammatical errors, good job :) I just have one question. If they're running out of money to buy timber and food, how can she still afford her paints? Perhaps you can mention how she is rationing her supplies. :)

Keep writing! :)