Mares

Mares

2 chapters / 1145 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

If you had a friend that was as close to family as you had that that went missing, what would you do? And what if when you found them they had amnesia? This is the story of two demigods with these problems.

Comments(13)

Emo

7 months ago Marko Tomas said:

Hey I never read the book but it sounds great, and I also gave you a bunch of wows and hearts and stuff

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over 2 years ago Arlene Hamling said:

Hey if you want you should read the 2nd book of my mystery series All for the Money

41390_1573032566_1795_n

over 2 years ago Arlene Hamling said:

Hey I never read the book but it sounds great, and I also gave you a bunch of wows and hearts and stuff

Reviews(4)

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over 2 years ago Stephanie S said:

Hello! So sorry for the wait. I hope my review is helpful and constructive. (: I'm reviewing this as I go along, hope that's alright.

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Chapter One:

The first line is very gripping. I like the description, but I was confused if the character was supposed to have a scarred face or a scared one. Perhaps you could make this clearer?

"I am Porphryion[,]" the stranger said as he painfully walked toward the boy. First off, interesting name. Can't say I've ever heard that one before. Second, why is Porphyrion walking in a "pained" manner? Is he seriously hurt? If so, maybe you could describe his injury a bit more.

"...Porphyrion hissed." I would change this by saying, "Porphyrion stated, hissing.", or something in that manner. Just my two cents!

"Get in[,]" Porphyrion commanded.

Hmm...I'm liking the Greek-sounding names. Pretty cool.

'"Use this," Porphyrion said...'' This happens quite a lot throughout the story. Not a major flaw, just something some grammar-queens might cringe at. http://www.superheronation.com/2011/04/20/punctuating-dialogue-in-novels-and-short-stories/ Try seeing if this link helps. (Trust me, I struggled--and do struggle with grammar. Nobody's perfect. Just trying to help.)

Ooh, Peter's a demi-god.I'm feeling some Percy Jackson vibes from this. (Not that this is a bad thing, I love that series.)

I like the part where Peter is gaining his memory back. However, I think it would be great to describe the actual fight with Porphrion. (That blasted "show, don't tell" rule raised its nasty head!)

Great end to the chapter.

Chapter Two:

"...and I started to [lose] hope." Examples of lose vs. loose: "I don't want to lose my textbook." "My shirt hung loosely around me."

"Peter an[d] I."

"...daughter [of] Boreas."

One thing I noticed was the sentence lengths. I think it would be wise to vary them up. Make some sentences short, some medium, and some a bit lengthy. It helps provide an ease to the reader while they're reading your work.

"...and [sat] back down..."

"With the sword and my hand..." This is a sentence fragment. I suggest combining it with the previous sentence.

"...with a serious face." How is his face serious? Is his jaw set, his eyebrows bunched together? Describe this.

"...starting about to snap." Hm? Maybe you meant "starting to snap".

"Are you [nervous]?"

"...I [lit..."

"Those dreams were the worst." Wait...that was all a flashback? I'm a bit confused. If so, when did the flashback start and where did it end?

The move from third person p.o.v to first was a bit alarming, but I got used to it. I'm a bit confused as to who this person is (does she have a name?) but I am excited to read on.

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Overall, you have a pretty solid story here. You have nice detail, though I think you could go in and describe the characters a bit more. What are they feeling? How does it show? What do they look like as far as eye color, hair color, height, weight, etc.?

I apologize for being nit-picky. I do hope my words help you instead of doing the opposite. You have great potential here and I'm so glad I got to read it. Keep writing!

Cropped delicious angels

over 2 years ago V.V. said:

Hey, I saw your question in Writing Scraps about where to take this plot, and I thought I'd try to help out.

First things first: Your first chapter is pretty dramatic and exciting-- don't be afraid to draw it out a little more! Maybe the beautiful woman doesn't appear and tell Peter (and the reader) everything that happened. Maybe Peter has doubts about the strange man from the beginning, and as he goes along, little bits of his memory start to tell him that something is very wrong. Maybe he refuses to kill someone for a flimsy reason and Porphyrion gets angry and shows his TRUE colors. That's just my opinion, and some food for thought.

This was a great set up for chapter two though-- now we understand that no one knows where Peter is, and that he has a demigod friend looking for him. The only thing I'd say about the chapter is to make it a bit clearer that this is a dream/flashback, just to make it easier for the reader to follow along.

So you said that you know how they're going to meet up again, but the gods separate them and you're lost on what to do after that. I guess the most important thing to figure out is-- why? Why would the gods do this? What is it about these two main characters that would make the gods go through the trouble? Is it a feud between their parents? Is there some kind of prophecy about these two teaming up that has dire consequences-- and if so, how can they stop it? Maybe they go seek advice on how to change their destiny from the Fates or the Moirai. Maybe they find out there's an alternate destiny and go chase that. Maybe one of them is promised to marry another. Maybe one of them has been sentenced to serve Hades in the underworld. Maybe Peter has to serve Diomedes because he's indebted.

I think mainly you should think about your characters' personalities, backstories, and goals to figure out what motivates them. Also, read tons of Greek mythology-- some of those stories are CRAZY and so inspiring for something like this.

Good luck, and I hope I helped. :-) Write on my wall if you have any more questions.

PS: Follow that grammar advice down there. They took the time to edit for you, and that's hard to come by.