Mares

Mares

2 chapters / 1145 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

If you had a friend that was as close to family as you had that that went missing, what would you do? And what if when you found them they had amnesia? This is the story of two demigods with these problems.

Comments(12)

Emo

12 months ago Marko Tomas said:

Hey I never read the book but it sounds great, and I also gave you a bunch of wows and hearts and stuff

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about 3 years ago Arlene Hamling said:

Hey if you want you should read the 2nd book of my mystery series All for the Money

41390_1573032566_1795_n

about 3 years ago Arlene Hamling said:

Hey I never read the book but it sounds great, and I also gave you a bunch of wows and hearts and stuff

41390_1573032566_1795_n

about 3 years ago Arlene Hamling said:

Hey I never read the book but it sounds great, and I also gave you a bunch of wows and hearts and stuff

Reviews(4)

Sunrise

about 3 years ago P.J. Buck said:

Thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciate everything you said.

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about 3 years ago Tori Auricht said:

Hey, I read 'Mares' and I thought it was really good. Just a few grammar things to point out though:

~ At the start of the story, when you were describing the stranger, did you mean scared or scarred?

~ You don't need a comma when you said, 'the stranger said as he slowly and painfully walked, towards the boy'.

~ In the paragraph where you said, 'his eyes looked crazy and wild' etc. you forgot to put the 'o' in Porphyrion's name.

~ When you said, "Hurry your a long distance from the top," it should be, "Hurry, you're a long distance from the top."

~ Instead of 'venerable' I think you meant 'vulnerable' because venerable actually means respected...

~ It should be 'Goddess of Love' instead of 'Goddess of love' because love is part of her former title so it needs a capital.

~ Same with 'son of Zeus'. It should be 'Son of Zeus'.

~ I think if you broke up the sentence about the horses it would flow a bit better, eg. 'As he drew his sword, he was stopped dead in his path by a team of horses with blood-stained lips and dark, sunken eyes. They sent feelings of death and despair deep into his soul.' or something like that.

~ Maybe instead of saying, 'Porphyrion was being torn apart by the beasts' you could just say 'Porphyrion was torn apart by the beasts'.

The only other thing I would have done is add a bit more description and try not to rush things too much. I know this is difficult as you have a word limit, but it might help a little bit. I really liked your story and I think the way you have done it is really clever! You have done the July Challenge theme really well and I liked how it started out with Peter thinking Porphyrion is on his side but it turns out he isn't, which is exactly what you need for the Challenge. I also like how you ended it, it left a bit of a cliffhanger and was a good story finisher. Great job, you have written an awesome story! (Which is saying something 'cause I don't normally enjoy reading stories based around Mythology!)

Tori x