1 chapter / 1000 words

Approximately 5 minutes to read


this short story is the reason i don't do swaps anymore

  • 425
  • 22
  • 19
  • 132
  • 25
  • 173



over 1 year ago Avery Cloud-Estep said:

Your story grasped me immediately and the details were in-depth enough that I was able to imagine everything perfectly. I would have loved for there to be more of the story! It did not end abruptly at all, but instead left me wanting more.

On a side note, sometime last year you asked me to do a swap with you and that was when I was on a too long hiatus from this website and did not see the request until today. If you are still interested in doing your part of the swap, read any story I have, if not, I completely understand. Thanks!


Who needs gender roles

over 3 years ago Nicole Renoir said:

Does someone who wears a tailored suit, designer glasses, and expensive wristwatches really blend in with a crowd?

'Hazel' is perhaps not the best word choice as a descriptor for hair as it is more closely associated with a green-brown color for eyes.

'Ashen eyes' is also disconcerting as eyes are likely not that pale.

'Outlines of bones creep under her pores' is awkwardly worded and too complicated for the simple concept you wish to convey here. Her bones are not 'creeping', and using 'pores' in place of 'skin' or 'flesh' is unnecessary and frankly strange.

Your use of the word 'coagulates' is also incorrect. Since he is in the act of injuring her, her blood would not have time to clot or grow thick. It is actively flowing.

I believe you mean 'brought' instead of 'wrought', as otherwise the usage is again incorrect.

Paper does not come in 'clods'.

As a concept this story is compelling, though I also find it somewhat disturbing in relation to Christian concepts as it makes me wonder how free will functions in a world like this and if justice can truly be had. I also wish to see more to this character of the demon. I understand that he is a villain despite his role as protagonist in this story, but it would still be nice if he were rather more dynamic.