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Approximately 17 minutes to read
A heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to kill him, and a spade to bury him.
over 1 year ago Emberlin said:
~~Hi! This is my part in the 4min swap :)~~
I gave you a "Wow" because of the creativity in your description. The metaphors flowed effortlessly! Eyes like the night sky, the description of the carpet from the Orient...great imagery. The story iteself is intriguing as well. Very good first chapter. First chapters are always hard because you need to pull the reader in. You did just that :) Keep up the great writing! :D
about 2 years ago Jessie R. H. said:
I read all the chapters and just love how it is based in a time of royalty and it is around card games. I find it completely fascinating. The ending of the chapters so far, with Russian roulette, was very intense and leaves you with a desire to read more! Great!
over 2 years ago Shannrah said:
I read just the first chapter, and it was interesting. Your descriptions were wonderful, and it helped move everything along smoothly. Fantastic Job.
over 2 years ago Emma said:
Only complainant…where the heck is the end!?!?! I'm looking forward to seeing how this plays out.
The first chapter was magical, the second witty, and the third entrancing.
I liked that you kept the chapters short instead of having an enormously long one. I thinks it's easier to keep interested with the promise of a new chapter ahead.
about 2 years ago Laura Harden said:
Very strong. Stylistically, I can tell I’m going to like this piece, which very rarely happens. I love the excellent descriptions. They’re not the boring, generic ones you usually see, the laundry-list appearance traits. I cannot stand when authors just sit there and describe everything about the character in three sentences. You blended yours in, which is something most writers can learn from
“There were only three…” The part with feigning interest and being only interested in the men flows a bit weird. It’s almost like too much is shoved into this sentence. Consider revision.
“And the card and the dice…” This is a confusing sentence. I’m not actually certain what the intended meaning of the sentence was supposed to be. I just know that it’s not working.
“I’ll by…” should be “I’ll buy…”
The third and fourth paragraphs both begin with “Today…” It weakens both of those paragraphs because of it. It also flows kinda badly. I’d fix it.
I feel like the second chapter isn’t to the same level as the first. The dialogue is somewhat generic and uninspired. I feel like you’re drawing on what you’ve learned from Victorian dramas. You’re so much better than that. Remember your wit from the last chapter? I’d love some more of that.
“They were simply awful last night…” You kept the second simply as simple.
I might consider rewriting the first sentence. The way it was worded almost led me to believe that Lady Richardly was rethinking what she said before. I don’t know how I got that, but I did.
Flannigan’s dialogue seems a little forced and unnatural, not to mention that his character is based on a cliché. I might actually consider rewriting his dialogue. It’s not as good as the stuff you already have down, and, right now, you have the gardener portrayed as the “angry Irishman”.
I don’t think I can sugar-coat it. I disliked the Friday scene, especially the dialogue. You can’t have characters going around saying stupid lines just because they aren’t the main characters. In the beginning of the story, you set the character Ruby up to be intelligent, but in lowering the level of intelligent banter between the other characters, you’re making your story seem silly. I just didn’t like that scene.
Your writing is very strong, but your characters, specifically your side characters, need better depth. Even if they only show up for a single line, they still need to be solid characters. I think you struggled with that. An easy way to think about things is to ask yourself what motivates a specific character. Give them something they want.
Don’t lose your wit. You have ridiculously good tongue-in-cheek writing. Keep that up.
Good job and keep writing!
over 2 years ago Rayne Adams said:
I also fancy Victorian set (if that's what this is) stories. I love the fact that the ladies gossip and we get to listen to that. I saw nothing wrong in the first chapter. In fact, your use of words was brilliantly done.
The only thing I noticed in the second chapter, I noticed you used determined twice in a sentence. I suggest using a different word.
Other than that, you just gained yourself a follower. I can't wait for the next chapter!