A step, a stone, a stagger

A step, a stone, a stagger

1 chapter / 1269 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

In a world where shadows are actually the darkest parts of human souls and the buying and selling of them is a lucrative business can anyone remain whole?
(The extended version of this is up on figment, entitled The King's Shadow. Read it, heart it, review it,love it.)

Comments(5)

Images (2)

over 2 years ago Bobby Stevens said:

*Reaches the end and continuously hits the next button in hopes more will appear* I'm in love, this was so cool. I loved the concept of dark magic and shadows having more purpose in life. You awesomely depicted the character's desperation and the interaction between her and the witch doctor? Im assuming. Only thing i noticed was serious repetition with the word "water". Other than that, keep writing please :D

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almost 3 years ago Mallory Dobry said:

Hi! I saw your post on my thread about swapping, so here I am!

I think this is really good and would make a very interesting novel. It has the potential to be a great expanded story. To me, this seemed a lot like an eerie prologue, you know? It was like the beginning where you get an idea what's going on, but you still need to know worlds more.

I liked the use of the song and the kids playing over and over again in the story. That was really interesting and to me, it almost set like a background music track as I read the rest of it?

I don't know haha it was really good! Best of luck, especially now that I see you're going to do this for Nanowrimo!

Fountainpic

almost 3 years ago Chloëelise said:

Hdjdkskaka. Sorry. Key mashing is obnoxious but it was necessary to express my feelings here. I loved this so much. I haven't read anything like this before. You're building this world that feels so unique and authentic. I felt so intrigued the whole time, wanting to know more and more about this place and the people there. The tone was so rich and dark, ahhh. Beautiful. Your descriptions of hunger and thirst were excellent. Perfect balance of that urgency without going overboard or sounding cheesy. I can't wait to read more. Seriously. Well done.

Busted blood vessel

almost 3 years ago Jacob Jones said:

I really hope there's more to this planned or in the works. The writing style drew me in and kept me there but I feel like I want to experience more of this world and why it was the way it was (as well as what makes losing one's shadow so significant, what happens to them, etc).

As far as errors and such go, I mostly noticed you're a fan of run on sentences and need to break into more paragraphs like Yayono suggested. Nothing too bad.

Barring those issues, I think it's a great work and you should continue it or expand the world into a not so short story. Keep writing either way. :)

Reviews(5)

Sunrise

9 months ago Sophia Edwards said:

So, I'm running across figment trying to read pieces because I'm looking for some inspiration (current mental roadblock). I was just going to write a comment, but I thought it wasn't enough since I have some things to say.

First thing, I love the plot of the piece. I'm super interested and want to delve more into the world.

The song that is sung feels like a really haunted "ring around the rosie" and I love that.

Reading this just made me parched. I love you describe things. I can feel it in my core and it's amazing.

I don't really have many (or any) negative things to say.

Finally, I want to say I'm furious by how short it is. Please please (PLEASE) write more. This is an amazing story and I would love to get more and find out what happens next. You can definitely extend this into something amazing.

Overall, great start.

Never stop writing.

St-petersburg-girl-rain-umbrella

almost 3 years ago katana said:

For the short story swap:

1. ‘A memory flashed into her mind or a ghost of one’. Insert a comma between ‘mind’ and ‘or.’

2. ‘She’d sung this song in ages past when she’d been younger, newer, stronger.’ It’s not clear what you mean by ‘newer.’ It isn’t the right word choice, in the context of a sentence.

3. ‘More angles and bones than actual living things their clothes hung off them like shrouds.’ Here it’s not clear whether you’re talking about the children now or in her past. I suggest you add an extra word or phrase that will make the transition clearer. Also, the word ‘shrouds’ isn’t used correctly either. Shrouds are those cloak-like things. Maybe you could say ‘hung off them loosely,’ or something similar.

4. ‘The sun beat down on the dead land and on her head, a burning, sightless eye.’ Misplaced modifier. It makes it sound as if your HEAD is a burning, sightless eye. That wouldn’t be good, wouldn’t it?

5. ‘The sliver of shade near the children’s fence she’d crawled into over an hour ago fast disappearing, she forced herself to her feet.’ You have a run-on sentence in that last bit. Change that comma into a semicolon. Also, change ‘the children’s fence she’d crawled into over an hour ago fast disappearing’ into ‘the children’s fence that she’d crawled into over an hour ago was disappearing quickly.’ It still sort of sounds like you’re crawling into the fence and not the shade, so try and fix that.

6. ‘Most had attempted to flee and had died fleeing becoming nothing but thirsty bones and rotting rags on a road to nowhere, her family among them.’ Run-on. Insert a comma between fleeing and becoming.

7. ‘Being cool was like tasting water, no a memory of water.’ Change into ‘Being cool was like tasting water. No, a memory of water.’ This doesn’t really fit, though. Humans can’t survive three days without water, so your protagonist had to have drunk water somewhere. You could make it into clean water, clear water, good water, etc.

8. You have a few problems in dialogue. Read over all your dialogue and remember to correct the mistakes. You write, “Please.” She said again. That’s an error, and it occurs more than once. Remember that it should always be “Please,” she said again. Always, always. The only exception is when a character is doing something, like, “We’ll see.” The woman turned her eyes……” etc etc. That’s okay. Also, ‘said again’ can be shortened into ‘repeated.’

9. ‘The woman turned her eyes to the girl’s shadow which was huddled…’ etc etc. Insert a comma between shadow and which.

10. ‘Here at least there was a chance, a bad one but still.’ Change into ‘Here at least there was a chance. It was a bad one, but still a chance.’

The rest of your story is good; it just has a few more comma mistakes. Read over it and correct those.

I like your voice in the story, and your writing style. They were graceful, poetic, even. The plot is creative and absolutely enchanting, and the opening had me completely hooked. Good job and keep up the good work!