Ashes, Ashes

Ashes, Ashes

1 chapter / 1256 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read


A king. Two young lovers. The end of the world. After all, Ashes, Ashes, We all fall down.. // Serious feedback is requested - I'm planning this as the prologue for a novel. Critism is greatly appreciated. The cover is of a picture of the ancient remains of victims found in volcanic ash layers at Pompeii. Trailer for the story: { } (I received Honorable Mention in the Scholastic 2012 Art&Writing Competition!) Thank you all for reading and sticking with me. Each mistake you point out, every sentence, description, and paragraph you think could be improved, every compliment, every praise... they all mean the world to me. This is me hearting you back!



over 5 years ago Nicolle Weinstein said:

OMG! So beautifully written. What a story. I love love love this, your characters are entrapping and the setting so wonderfully woven into this fantasy-like tale. Your voice is flawless. Well done.


over 5 years ago Your Mom said:

The best story I've read on this site so far!


over 5 years ago mirescosmo said:

this was an amazing story. I loved how beautiful the imagery was. Everything about it was just perfect. Great job!


over 5 years ago Veleka Georgieva said:

One of the best pieces I've read in a while! Really great job!



almost 6 years ago Matthew Dalzell said:

While I am not particularly familiar with the dystopian subgenre of fantasy (or, for that matter, of any genre), it seemed to follow what I've seen before and have been told about this style. Just as an aside, I personally would not call this dystopian...for me, it is hard to draw the line between a dark fantasy and a dystopian story - but I digress.

Some grammatical questions/issues that you might consider addressing:

1. First, all of the italicized words, phrases, and sentences. For many of them, I just couldn't figure out why they were that way. You may want to reconsider the amount of italicized things you have in the work. If something is not obvious, it can be a hindrance for your readers. As an avid reader, I find it very distracting when I see a grammatical action occur a great deal without apparent meaning in someone's work.

2. Some of the words you used to describe things, viz., cenoté and cerise, conflicted what I assume you were intending to mean. When I investigated the word "cenoté," all that came up was "cenote" and the French version of the word, "cénote." Both mean "a sinkhole." From the context of where you placed the word, I am not certain that was your intended meaning. The word "cerise" refers to a reddish color that has a pinkish undertone - clearly not the hue of human blood. Both these words did not appear to match what they described, or offer adequate adjectival description. While I am a fan of using creative words, I believe they should be used within reason and with extreme care simply because their meaning can be so easily misconstrued.

3. Your use of the phrase "not over my dead body" seems out-of-place with the tone of your work. Most of your inflections are very heavy, formal, and colorful - things that sharply contrast a modern colloquialism like "over my dead body." In addition, it did not seem the kind of thing a lordly man like Sir Alistair would say. You might give consideration to him saying something else.

As I am sure you know, a story is far more than its grammatical content. It is on these things that creative written works should truly be judged. On this end of things, I find your story distressing. I am aware that it is intended to be a potential prologue, but as a dystopian work, it is decidedly bleak. I personally do not believe in works like this, in fact, I have a particular problem with them on the basis that they only take the view of the hopeless and dark. While there is a great deal of evil in the world, I believe that light prevails over all. Darkness is, in reality, something that simply invades light for a time. Light - or what you might call goodness, holiness, and purity - is completely prevalent. Darkness, on the other hand - or what you might call what is evil, impure, and dispairing - is only the lack of the light. Darkness is not an independent force, neither in reality or in theology. I cannot personally condone stories of this nature.

On the other hand, to be fair, I do not enjoy many of the ridiculously positive works out there. I have dubbed them "escapist" novels, simply because they do nothing to present a healthy level of reality to the public. Escaping into a false reality is no better than burying oneself in dispair.

I wish you luck on the novel. You have a well-writen work here. Some minor grammatical things to be aware of.


almost 6 years ago Jessica Renea said:

I love it. So sad yet beautiful. Wow. Amazing.