Nowhere But Up

Nowhere But Up

1 chapter / 966 words

Approximately 5 minutes to read


PLEASE VOTE FOR THIS PIECE IN THE FINAL CONTEST POLL IF YOU THINK IT'S THE BEST OF THE 5 :) - Brandon Sanderson contest entry, so please heart if you think it deceives it. 1000 word limit. Careful what you wish for might sound like a warning phrase, but this genie couldn't care less. There's only one thing she wants.

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about 3 years ago Ashley Bird said:

I really like this one. It is super creative. I'v been on Figment for about a month now (I know, total noob right?), and I haven't read anything like it. A couple notes though:

first off, 'The suave billionaire from all the movies.' She has been trapped in a lamp for 'centuries at a time'. When did she see movies? What does she even know about this world? I would go into that a little, because that was something I personally found confusing. Then again, I don't really know much about genies.

Otherwise I thought it was very cool, and very unique. You have a wonderful writing style and the story flowed very well. Brilliant! :)


about 3 years ago Teagan Romyn said:

Wow. This is amazing! I wouldn't have picked a genie for the contest, but it's a brilliant idea. I had to really look hard at this to find anything I thought could use tweaking.

And really, that's all my suggestions are about: tweaking this to make something great even better. You develop Desia's character nicely, spinning in a little bit of backstory so her emotions (beautifully conveyed in first person) make sense. Mr Aaron is a cardboard cutout, but he's more of a device to explain Desia's motives; it works really well. Description you've got down to a T, and you pepper the story with Desia's acerbic wit to keep it flowing. I wish I could be more critical, but honestly I just loved "Nowhere But Up"!

I have a few suggestions, but it's all just re-wording to make things a little clearer. Take and leave what you want.

Despite his strong, youthful features, his black hair was speckled with bits of silver. But when he smiled, ten years melted off his face.--> This is a very powerful piece of description, but I feel it could be better. Perhaps: "His youthful features were strong, but his black hair was speckled with silver. When he smiled, ten years melted from his face."

And he smiled a lot, as if he thought I'd cave under it like every other woman he was so accustomed to getting. --> I just felt that this sentence was a little bit awkward? Maybe: "And he smiled a lot, like he thought I'd cave in like every other woman did."

I wondered if it was natural or forced. Or natural from years of force. --> Nice!!!

Made of pure gold, it'd been through its fair share of pawn stores and glass cases, but still retained is shine. --> Hmm. Again, this is good, but maybe: "It was made of pure gold and had been through its fair share of pawn stores and glass cases. Despite that, it still retained its shine."

I like how you're winding in the genie's history into the story. Very nicely done!

Lol. "Done... done... oh, look, you have a glass spike in your chest. Done."

The last piece was sticking out from Mr Aaron's chest, coated in a beautiful layer of blood. It must have clipped a lung, because Mr Aaron's breathing had turned to gurgling as he fought to get air through blood." --> Perhaps if you replaced one of the 'bloods' with something else? You could get away with changing the first 'blood' to 'crimson'.

All in all, I really enjoyed this. A heart well deserved, and best of luck with the competition!