The Silver Umbrella

The Silver Umbrella

4 chapters / 6829 words

Approximately 34 minutes to read

Description:

When Vida, notoriuous scaredy-cat, stumbles upon an odd relic, she is unwittingly thrown into an adventure that will test her limits and force her to reexamine everything she thinks she knows.

Comments(11)

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about 2 years ago Cleveland W. Gibson said:

Hi Ivy Many thanks for your message and for pointing me in the direction of something you have written.

I've been busy, too busy with home stuff but when I couldn't spend time writing a comment I decided to read again what I'd read before. I have found time is a great editor.

Your story is interesting and I enjoyed the start. I liked the way the unexpected element 'happened' and is the subject of the story.

When I reached the end of chapter one I made a decision not to read chapter 2 or any of the other chapters. I am sure there is nothing bad about them but my decision to read only chapter 1 was reached because I wanted to focus 100% on that area.

In doing so there were little things that needed to be corrected. By making certain small changes the overall story and quality will get better. Whatever mistakes you might make in chapter 1 will probably re-emerge in the other chapters. How does that sound?

The opening needs to be a 'proper' hook that will draw the reader in. Perhaps something like "Vida never thought of uttering a single scream for help at the party. On reflection she wished she had...Then you need to set the scene of the party. Music and some dialogue.

There are other things I might say but what I'd like to know is how you are going to edit say chapter one.

I feel your story is interesting. You can let your imagination run wild and have fun. You have that kind of story.So do give yourself a pat on the back. Best wishes and keep writing.

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about 2 years ago Carolina Espinosa said:

Very interesting story...Can't wait for more.

Pusheen glasses

about 2 years ago Christopher Stefano Menconi said:

Very interesting, I hope to read more!

Books

almost 3 years ago Amelia Nightingale said:

Wow!! This was fantastic! I hope you will continue it; you left off at such a good part! I love how you described everything.

Never stop doing what you love.

Amelia

Reviews(7)

Treehouse

over 1 year ago Ivy Black said:

(Last one!) When you say “the extensive 200s” near the beginning of chapter four, I’m not sure to what you’re referring. Probably just me. When you’re describing the umbrella’s fabric, writing, “shimmery, translucent, beautiful”, you need an “and” between translucent and beautiful. Again, it’s up to you if you’d like to forgo comma rules for your writing style. “’He will find me sooner than later’” should be “sooner or later” or “sooner rather than later”. Justice Mercy is one of the most unique names I’ve ever heard, and I love it. Don’t ever change it. Instead of “whispered loudly” perhaps say “hissed”? Whispering loudly doesn’t sound quite right. The paragraph beginning with “gathering her laptop” is a little bit difficult to understand. Perhaps read it out loud to smooth out the awkward parts. “’You stay away from me Brother Mercy’” needs a comma between “me” and “Brother”. Having read all four chapters I can truthfully say that I can’t wait for more! I really enjoyed reading this and I hope you’ll let me know when you update it. Despite a few small technical errors this was very well put together, still with room for improvement, but brilliant. Keep up the great work, friend!

Treehouse

over 1 year ago Ivy Black said:

A few paragraphs into chapter three you switch from past to present tense which is very difficult to get away with, so I would suggest sticking with past tense. I’m not sure what’s going on with the [ZC1] and [ZC2] and I’m assuming it wasn’t intentional, but if it was I’m not certain what it means. While Charlie and Vida are talking, you missed a period after “’Oh’”. Immediately after that when you’re describing Charlie as friendly and outgoing, you need to use “and” instead of a comma. If you’re looking to override comma rules for the sake of your voice I can totally relate to that, but I thought I should point it out. When Charlie and Vida are eating lunch and Vida is explaining to Charlie why she wants to go to the library, she refers to the umbrella on by “that thing”, but then calls it “the umbrella” after failing to tell Charlie what the object was. Chapter three has not failed to impress me! More of the slow build, and I love the way you introduce new characters without giving their whole life story as a way of introduction—just how it happens in life. People exist and we meet them. People just happen. I remain intrigued.