Consequences

Consequences

1 chapter / 1477 words

Approximately 7 minutes to read

Description:

A short story about the feeling of carrying a lie and the release that comes with truth.

Comments(5)

Marsface avatar

about 2 years ago Mars said:

I don't think I can say much more than other people have about the quality of this writing; the piece was great, and I loved the symbolism of the rock. I also found the italics were clever and interesting; definitely a different style than most.

The two criticisms I have are punctuation errors:

There was an instance of !, which is redundant; though the sentence continued, you didn't need the comma, since an exclamation point can act as a comma; it's meant to convey tone, not always to end a sentence. Same with question marks, although there are many places you can use that fun thing.

The other was at the very end. I suppose it might not be a mistake, but I feel like the ellipsis should have been on the inside; '. . . ?' instead of '? . . .'

Hope this helps! Great piece.

P.S. Merry Christmas! :)

Bleach__ichigo__bankai

about 2 years ago Scorpio Ryder said:

The uniqueness of this really captured and intrigued me. Especially how it felt as if the protagonist was interacting with the reader. It helped establish a connection to the work and incorporate with reality. I love the little details you work into it. I had more to say but I forgot because I'm just really captured by this work. I'm writing this but I'm still thinking about what I just read...and it's just so...WOW. That's all I can describe it. Very creative and captivating. Nice job!

Mehe

about 2 years ago Tibby Kay said:

Wow. Like... wow. I started out writing down questions I had, criticisms I thought were adequate, but as I continued reading your story alone proved them wrong.

You took a strange metaphor and turned it into a very adept method of thinking. You described the beginning, the rise, the climax, and the fall so perfectly well, it felt like it was me in the story.

I really have no criticisms, I found myself entranced by your story. Lovely word choice, by the by(:

~Tibby

Img_4097

about 2 years ago Index User said:

The intricate details, and the huge, beautifully-painted canvases of emotions you've displayed in this piece were what kept me from reading it. You've given attention to every little detail and experience on keeping and holding on to lies, and, for me, brings about great effect on instilling conviction without the use of religious references. It is just pure, human nature. The way you wrote it makes me feel that you want us readers to not miss a single moment in this experience and to do something about it--whether to let it go, or let it consume you until you burn out. This is a very powerful message. Despite it being not so much of a story but more of a personal journal, a documentary, if you must, it has become a solid literary piece through the power of conviction it contains. Thank you for sharing this! :D

Reviews(5)

Coffee2

over 1 year ago Megan said:

Andres,

First, I would like to congratulate you for receiving first place in Scene 0. You have a clear understanding of sentences and grammar (or at least have convinced me that you do), and it is apparent in both of the stories you have entered into the contest. I am looking forward to see what you will come up with for Scene 2.

One thing that I have noticed in this story, and even in your entries so far, is that you have a tendency to tell a story, not show it. Now this isn't always a bad thing, and there are some places where you don't do this, but you have to keep in mind that majority of the time a reader wants to place themselves in a characters shoes and visualize what is going on around them (at least I do XP). Just as a suggestion, try making a character whenever the narrator says "you", or even maybe have the entire story be a clear internal conflict between dropping the stone and holding onto it, not just the narrator telling how hard it may be to hold onto the stone (internal conflict is something we can all relate to, that's why I suggest it). If you do go for a clear internal conflict, you don't even have to use a lot of 'I's which might be challenging, but I bring this option up to you because I know I always enjoy a good challenge.

Anyways... As example of how you are telling this story: when you say "you open your fingers and let the rock slip out of your grasp" you are describing the actions as if it is something that none of us are familiar with, not as if you are attempting to get us to visualize. Try and show how that is happening without using simple description verbs. Try rewriting it without using the words "open", "fingers", "let", "rock". Even try to describe these words without using it in the sentence as practice.

Also, you tell the story of how a lie is like a stone twice, first not in detail, and the second time you go into full detail. If you would like to do this, I feel it might be better if you have something in between both of those stories, maybe suggesting what kind of lie that has been told. Just something to separate the two different descriptions. This is also just another suggestion.

Another thing that I have learned over the years I've spent studying English is pronoun-antecedent agreement (I believe it is called). When you write: "dropping to your knees with the ground crackling beneath them", there isn't an agreement between "knees" and "them" (Two years ago my teacher drilled this concept into my brain, so I apologize now if I am ranting about the subject, or if I begin to rant. This is something I seriously struggle with, and I am still trying to get in the habit of doing). In English, "them" refers to a whole person, not a portion (as a knee is a portion of a person). The point is, "knees" just aren't qualified as "them". To keep it simple, I would say something such as "... The ground cracking beneath 'you'" instead.

Other than that I think this is really intriguing. The symbolism you have in this story is very unique to me, and the story as a whole is an excellent idea. It is very unique, and is the first story I actually have read that was written this way. I'm very pleased with the ideas in this piece, and yet it still holds a lot of potential to be even more impressive than it already is.

- Megan N.

Jimnpvw_

almost 2 years ago Liam Thomas said:

I enjoyed the idea of the story and the symbolism was quite good. However I must say that it became rather repetitive after awhile. The story could have been shorter than it was and convey the same message. It was a good message it was done in a clever way. There were no grammatical errors that I could see. This shows great promise and I liked it very much while reading it, I encourage you to keep writing.

-Liam