Seeker Of Truth

Seeker Of Truth

19 chapters / 36285 words

Approximately about 3 hours to read


A figment of a boy is awakened by a wolf's stare. He cries out in reflexive despair, but stops as thoughts replace stasis.

This is a short tale about a small mind in a big dream.

Follow Seeke as he discovers his reality and defines himself enough to break free.

Beware the sharp teeth.



almost 3 years ago Jorden Leonard said: First chapter spoken in my voice.


almost 3 years ago Paige Osborne said:

I checked out the first chapter. The premise is interesting, and I think the shepherd character has promise. Your writing style is very good and your details are really good. There are just times when I felt like you were "wordy" or the phrasing was awkward and I felt a little confused. Besides this it was an enjoyable read. Keep up the good work!


almost 3 years ago Jorden Leonard said:

great thank you

Images (2)

almost 3 years ago Julie Ann said:

I really like the description you had in this is was really well written! I enjoyed it a lot!



almost 3 years ago R A Black said:

Cry Wolf

Is the description of the hilt really the best way to open the book? Is that the most gripping, the best hook? I don't think that's the important part of the scene. The whole paragraph should be dramatic, but it's wordy and unclear. Try to sharpen the scene, to focus only on what's important.

As a boy, Seeke - this is a little confusing. Do you mean Seeke was the dying man above, or the killer? It feels like this line should have had a lead in, but it doesn't.

which he swings like a sword - if it's a full length staff, you're going to have trouble swinging it like a sword. They're not weighted or balenced the same and they don't handle like each other.

Okay, so Seeke is the dying man. You can probably lose the as a boy bit, as it doesn't really fit and his identity is revealed by this line.

A wind - the language is pretty, but there's no emotion or tension in this paragraph. It doesn't engage the reader. Focus more Seeke as a person.

A wolf squeezes between the rocks is a lovely line, but I think the sentence runs on a bit. It would be better left there and then a new line started about the size.

Seeke sees past - I have no idea what this line means. I think you're concentrating too much on how the words sound and not what they say, so they lose all meaning. Meaning is more important.

despite a wool tunic - despite a woolen tunic

like the tales his mind shares - awkward line. I suggest either removing his mind shares or maybe rephrasing as something like from his imagination

and wonders at so much sensory imput - lines like this really detach the reader from the story. It's like you're saying there's all this out here, but I'm not going to give you any of it.

Seeke's dialogue doesn't feel realistic. It sound like someone reciting lines from a play.I can understand that from the duds, in fact it would be ideal if that's what they sounded like, but Seeke needs to be different.

If Seeke is following the mob, how can they look to him?

Overall - I think there's a very interesting story here (it's set in the VR if I remember rightly) so the idea of someone coming to understand the nature of their environment is a great concept. But at the moment it's not executed as well as it could be.

I'm reminded again why books don't tend to get written in third person present. It's hard to put my finger on it, but it doesn't flow as well as third person past or first person present. There's a reason you very rarely see it. (I can't think of any examples off the top of my head).

The story is very flat. There's a lot of pretty phasing, but you sacrifice clarity, character, setting, emotion, and impact for it. This makes your work very dry and hard to get into. I think the concept is great, and there are a few points, like where Seeke is seeing the village as familiar and new at the same time, which give a fantastic hint, but they are few and far between.

The dialogue is very wooden. This is fine for the duds, but Seeke needs to stand out as something different. He also needs a personality. At the moment he feels like a dud himself. As such, there's little interest in him and no tension around him either.

I'd recommend when you edit to focus first on the story, then on getting the words sounding nice. That way you concentrate on the important things.


almost 3 years ago Laura Harden said:

First of all, the index should be taken out. Save it for when you get the book published. New readers don’t want to be bombarded with information as soon as they open a book. It will scare potential readers away within minutes. Not only that, but an amazing writer should work hard to try to blend that information in the story to begin with. If you continue writing and find you still need it, then put it in the back where it won’t distract the readers.

The first sentence is a run-on and needs several grammatical fixes, but, to be honest, I wouldn’t even bother. I would revise the whole thing because even if you fix it, it’ll still be confusing. Personally, I would change it to something like, “As a man, he stares down at his death: blood, betrayal, and a broken promise.” As you can probably tell, this still isn’t right, but it’s a lot less to take in than all the information you wanted to tell the reader.

“As a boy Seeke stands…” should be “As a boy, Seeke stands…”

I’d change “that he swings like a sword” to “, which he swings like a sword”. It’s much more conversational, and fits better in the context. Currently, the sentence sounds like it’s explaining how the boy normally uses the sword, but you want the sentence to sound more like he is actually swinging the sword around. Your sentence just isn’t cutting it.

“He stops a whisper above…” This sentence is confusing. If I don’t get it, no reader will be able to. I’d change it.

“Seeke has a vision…” Remember, show don’t tell. It’s not enough to say that this is happening to your character, you have to make your reader feel it. Make Seeke do something, something that shows this happening. Have the scenery change or paint the picture in the reader’s mind… do anything… anything but this.

The scene describing his vision is okay, but is weak because you mentioned him having a vision in the first place. It would have been so much stronger without the unnecessary lead-in. Trust your reader, don’t treat them as if they’re stupid.

I liked the paragraph about the truths that Seeke realized in his head, but then I analyzed it a bit further. This entire paragraph is expository information. Expository information is crutch that weak writers rely on; you’re better than that. Get rid of it. I love the paragraph after it, though. Wonderful and coherent; your truth strength as a writer.

Wow, after the rough opening, your writing seems to shine. It’s almost as if you weren’t sure how to portray the vision scene. You seem to have recovered quite nicely.

I’d make the small snippets of conversation their own paragraph; it should help with making the dialogue stand out and be coherent. Okay, general things to consider…

First, keep in mind that the reader is reading your story in a voluntary basis. He/she doesn’t have to sit through your story. Personally, I think you’re alienating your reader. You’re trying to tell too much information in such a short period. Sit back and let things happen naturally.

Second, I’d consider changing from present tense to past. I think with your story past would fit better. Present tense just isn’t flowing right.

Third, you’re trying to make your writing too arty. Writing is a form of communication and should communicate something to even the most unintelligent. That being said, it’s wonderful that you see writing as something more than this. I hope to one day see you hone your craft to accommodate both sides of the spectrum.

The beginning was rough; there is no sugar-coating that. The second part of the first chapter fixes the flaws, but the damage is already done. If I hadn’t been doing a review, I wouldn’t have continued. You’re a talented writer; I know you’ll be able to fix it.