Call Them Exiles

Call Them Exiles

24 chapters / 61526 words

Approximately about 5 hours to read

Description:

In the land of Trelorika, there is only one sentence terrible enough for the most feared criminals: their memories wiped, they are exiled to Earth. Now, after a corrupt sect of magicians known as the Isra have taken over, it is down to the few who still fight oppression to stop them. Seeking advice from a long-forgotten ally, they plan to retrieve a traitor criminal from Earth and help him to reclaim his memories. But there is a flaw in their scheme; could it be that Asher, a sixteen year old juvenile delinquent, could really be their salvation?

Genres:

Adventure, Fantasy, Novel

Comments(6)

Sydney profilepic

over 2 years ago Sydney Lacroix said:

For our swap:

I like this. The only thing I wanted to know was the language they were speaking in the prologue, you could make up one, I know I have few words of a made up language myself. The story is could, and I would love to read more later on. Thanks, and have a nice day!

~Sydney

Win_20150307_160436

over 2 years ago Chris Simmons said:

Read it...and it was not bad! the only thing i can really say is that well...the first chapter in itself was a bit cliched and the main character...well doesn't come off as relate able, he's doing all of these bad things...but why? like...not a good explanation and i don't mean the explanations i just mean straight up what made him a bad kid, i can't sympathize with a person who just....doesn't feel like he should be doing those things without reason.

As for the prologue, that's where i was both intrigued and damn confused. So you go to this place with all of this strange objects and cats, and Dark lings which resemble organization 13 from kingdom hearts, and then...nothing, meets a slave and im confused as to what you were talking about, save the magically stuff for when you can explain it because that just left me confused.

The reason this is not a review is because well, i liked it and didn't see a problem with continuing, nice job.

Image

over 2 years ago Adrianne Etheridge said:

Okay. I only read the prologue and the first chapter, but I really think this is a amazing! I'll definitely be reading more.

Caldir

over 2 years ago Jasmine Lewis said:

I really like how well you fitted the names to the characters! It made it easy to follow who was who along with their solid personalities. I also loved the idea for this. Most stories have people from earth exiled elsewhere. So having earth be the place was a fun twist and I enjoyed that! I also liked the descriptions and effort you put into this. Overall, great job and keep writing! :)

Reviews(8)

Arleen

over 2 years ago Carleen B said:

Heads up, I am nit picky.

Prologue I like the spooky poem at the beginning. Magnificent litter?? I don't know what that is...Is that like i dont even know. From the context it sounds like one of those fancy box like things with horizontal poles on the top that carried royalty but I'm not clear on that.

The black everything and the bird on the shoulder do seem a bit cliche

KITTY!!

"..In mere minutes they reacher the fortress..." spelling error.

There is a lot going on and a lot of the names start with 'I' which makes it a little hard to follow. I like it so far but I think you're trying to do a little too much here. I know you're trying to get the dark spooky thing across but it's a little hard to follow. I found my self not knowing which characters were which and not knowing where they are. As chris said, some of the magically stuff should be saved for later because theres too much going on in the prologue.

Chapter one "Stark white and black clock" that doesn't sound right, say it out loud.

"It was freezing" isn't necessary you made that clear with the cold air sucking bit. We know he is at the police station, you don't have to say it again. THe leaf blower on over load is a good image.

"When police arrived..." that sentence, read it out loud, I think you need another word or two in there.

Why are Devons keys in the pocket of his bathrobe?? Who keeps keys in their bathrobe?? "H'lo..." part carter isnt necessay because you say it later and sounds awkward here. Why did Devon light the cigarette before he put it in his mouth? THey hold the things with their teeth when they light em. Why is he refusing food when it said earlier he was very hungry. Asher knew there was a staircase.." Not needed.

This chapter did seem kind of cliche which made it predictable and boring. Add something interesting that no one would see coming.

Sarah lazarus_050_color_by john abbott

over 2 years ago Davina Lazarus said:

So I've just read as you requested, the prologue and first two chapters. Wow, you jumped from very two different styles of writing! You set up the scenery in the prologue beautifully, the visual was very strong and your writing was eloquent and fit with the culture of this different world. Many writers struggle with that so congratulations =)

Something I have noticed so far is that you like details. Details can be very effective in setting up a scene but I found there were some that weren't necessary and felt forced. Sometimes a scene can be ten times more powerful and intriguing when you give the reader something to think about instead of telling them everything. Consider this, because you are definitely talented and have a lot of creativity.

I'll be honest with you, I thought the second chapter about Suzanne could use some improvement. It felt very off and quite juvenile which I know is not you as a writer. You have proved what you're capable of and I know you can make this stronger.

Asher is an intriguing main character, but once again you were putting too many details, which clashes with his character's inner voice.

I encourage you to play with the styles of your writing based off the character the chapter is centered around. Every individual has their own unique voice. If you consider that you will create something very original and captivating.

You seem very invested in this story and that's wonderful! Keep writing love =)

-Davina