Maya & Danielle Forever

Maya & Danielle Forever

6 chapters / 5294 words

Approximately 26 minutes to read

Description:

In a small, peaceful town, two outcast teens meet at the local cafe. One deaf by a childhood sickness and the other mute by birth, they put aside their differences and form an unlikely friendship. A relationship so strong seemingly nothing can tear them apart. Not school preasure, family disapprovel, or friends. Nothing... but themselves.

Genres:

Drama, Thriller, Romance

Comments(18)

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3 months ago Scarlet Rictor said:

So I read this story and so far it seams good. It defiantly has a unique touch to it. If you could read Misfortue and anything else you want, since most of it is short, that would be cool.

Compassionate124

3 months ago Ritu said:

Hey Arrieta, I read Maya and Danielle Forever and the beginning was great. I especially liked your second chapter where you went into more details, describing the setup and the incidents and stuff. I like the way you are shipping on POV's. All over great start for the novel. I am excited to see the rest. I'd be reading Willow soon. For the swap, please read the first chapter of 'Clash of Wands' and any other piece which you would prefer. Until then, see ya! Have a great day!

9iqnm0

3 months ago Keenan Cameron said:

I love the book its a great story and I think its a great start keep working on it i don't have any things that I can say to help with your writing except when he is writing something on the paper make in in italics or something.

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3 months ago Coral Vaci said:

(For our swap) I Finished reading the book! It was really good and I liked the ending! There were a few errors but that can be easily fixed! ^_^

This was a great book! And I like how you write! Keep it up!

Reviews(23)

Ro pics

3 months ago Ysabelle Lianne said:

Hi Arietta! This is for our swap. I'm really sorry for the long wait. >_<

I don't have anything to say, mainly because most of the reviewers below had pointed out the errors, but I haven't seen much anyway.

I LOVED YOUR STORY!!! Or this story, I should say. The cover is cute, the description was well said - or written and the plot of this story was interesting. I liked the twist and turns also. This is like one of the stories I wonder on how the authors find inspiration for such things. Even I wouldn't have dreamt anyone would write this inspirational story. So it's a big thumbs up for you!

I hope to read more of this, hence why I followed you. Keep on writing!

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3 months ago Kaylee Bowing said:

Chapter 3

1. So I did some research and apparently mute people can sigh, sneeze, cough, and yawn because none of that requires their vocal cords. So Maya WOULD be able to sigh because it's just release of air, not the vibration of vocal cords.

2. They go to the same school, right? So wouldn't they meet up and talk about their days? If so, Maya wouldn't be JUST finding out about Danielle's bad day.

3. Also, how soon after they met is this? I feel like it's a couple of months at least, but that's not very clear at all.

4. Wait, why did Maya tackle her? To make her smile? I'm a big confused as to why she tackled her.

5. Danielle's response seems a little clunky. Think of what you would say to your friend in this situation and write that. Right now the dialogue sounds a bit unnatural.

6. ...happy." She replied...

...happy," she replied...

7. ...Snyder, I'm half way...

This is an example of a comma splice. This should be TWO sentences.

...Snyder. I'm halfway...

8. So for the next few paragraphs I'm really confused. You say that they're at home now, but you go back to talking about the beach and the bookstore and suddenly they're back with the question again? It seems a bit unnatural and I got very confused when I read it. I personally would have Maya think back to the walk first and then have those thoughts get interrupted by Danielle's question, and then have her think about it and reply right away instead of having 3-4 paragraphs between it that don't even have to do with the question.

9. Also, I feel like you need a bit more description. You tend to tell instead of show, and I would love to be able to see in my head. Instead of telling us that the walk was nice, describe way. Make us think that the walk would've been nice too.

10. Again, Danielle's dialogue seems a bit unnatural. I feel like she wouldn't say "I would love to be cured of my deafness but of course that would never happen." I can't really imagine ANYONE saying it actually.

11. Maya's response seems clunky because it's a little too poetic. People don't talk like that, or at least very few people do. I wish I knew her personality better, but I would just cut to the chase and have her say: I want to be able to speak.

12. she asks not She asks.

13. You accidentally said uncertainly instead of uncertainty.

14. There Danielle goes, pitying Maya again. I wish she'd stop doing that. Why does Maya hang out with Danielle all the time if Danielle is always pitying her and treating her like a broken bird? I would HATE that. I would not have Danielle pity Maya, or at least pity her hardly ever.

15. it?" She says...

she says...

16. Danielle's breakdown seems very random and I don't understand it. She didn't strike me as someone really emotional, but suddenly she turned into an emotional wreck. I feel like there should be something to prompt this, like she gets some bad news or is teased by other kids and it gets to her. Right now it seems random.

17. I did the only thing I could do, I held...

This is another comma splice.

18. I don't know how long they've been friends, and since I don't know that it seems like they've only been friends for a couple of days, and if that's true then the scene would be a bit more forced because people don't break down in front of other people like that if they barely know them. So I'm going to assume it's been a few months.

Chapter 4

1. Okay so four months since the breakdown, but how many months since they met?

2. The first sentence is also a comma splice.

3. I'm confused. If it's spring, why is she just getting the Christmas gifts for her? That doesn't make any sense.

4. So Maya coincidentally happened to be right there? I think it would make more sense if they were walking together and Maya stopped but Danielle didn't hear her stop because, obviously, she can't hear. And since Maya couldn't speak, then Danielle ended up getting run off.

5. This is a LOT of telling and not a lot of showing. I don't have a clear picture in my head, and there's also just a lot of block-y paragraphs to read on the page instead of being split up with dialogue or internal thoughts.

6. Toward not towards.

7. I don't think he would be furious if he asked her and she started speaking ASL to him. She said that she's fluent, and it would make the most sense for her to start speaking ASL, or trying to sign to him that she can't speak. Cops wouldn't be furious at the person kneeling by the injured victim. XD Also, there should DEFINITELY be ambulances right now. It doesn't make any sense for Maya's dad to be the one to tend to Danielle because she probably has internal bleeding, or at least some very severe broken bones. So he wouldn't be able to do much. Besides that, if the cops arrived in ten minutes then the ambulance would already be there. That part doesn't add up. I would have the ambulance there and NOT have Maya's father come out with a medical kit.

8. OKAY, dude, there's no way that she would be knocked FIFTEEN FEET back by a car, and only have a broken wrist and a few bruises. She freaking got knocked into the icy pavement. She would probably have a broken rib, maybe a broken leg if the car hit her on the side. Perhaps a broken collarbone, a concussion etc. Research injuries resulting from getting hit by a car and then use that. Don't just assume that getting hit by a car is no big deal just because it might not be going that fast. I repeat, there's NO WAY that Danielle ONLY has a broken wrist and a few bruises. XD

9. And this makes no sense. He says that she has a broken wrist and a few bruises and is unconscious, but he has to do CPR?! CPR is if they aren't breathing and/or if their heart has stopped. You don't need CPR if someone is unconscious. So what you're essentially saying with this is that she has stopped breathing because of her wrist... Or "She doesn't have serious injuries, but she actually does." Either she can't breathe on her own and her heart has stopped, or she's just unconscious.

10. ...alright?" He...

...all right?" he...

11. She doesn't need CPR.

12. Okay so what you didn't mention before was that she went unconscious and wasn't breathing? That doesn't make sense. Why would she stop breathing from a broken wrist and a few bruises? This is very inconsistent and not very realistic.

13. I don't really know what to say that I haven't already said. That whole thing was a bit unrealistic. Let me give you two scenarios.

Scenario 1: Danielle is struck and has broken a rib, collarbone, and wrist. The rib is about to puncture her lung/has punctured her lung, which is why blood would be in her mouth. She needs CPR. The ambulance comes within ten minutes. The police DO NOT question Maya because they don't just question people when a bleeding, possibly dying person is lying on the pavement... Maya's dad lets the paramedics do CPR because realistically they'd already be there at the scene. The paramedics take Danielle to the hospital and put her on an oxygen machine until they can fix her rib/lung.

Scenario 2: Danielle is struck and has a broken wrist and bad bruises. She has a mild concussion. She DOES NOT need CPR. The ambulance is called and comes within ten minutes. The police DO question Maya because Danielle has the ability to walk by herself, just painfully. The paramedics come and take Danielle to the hospital to set her wrist and most likely give her staples for a laceration.

Choose one of these two, and then the scene will be consistent AND realistic. Right now it's not consistent at all.

Chapter 5

1. All right, so now you get a bit more realistic. Although if Maya's father is a CNA he probably would've been more aware of this stuff before just jumping right in to CPR.

2. Remember the dialogue rules. I'm going to stop correcting them because it just takes up room.

3. Also, watch comma splices.

4. Remember the differences between to and too. You mix them up quite a bit in this chapter.

5. iPad, iPhone etc

6. So is this app a real thing or did you make it up? It seems quite strange that they wouldn't have heard of it before. I think doctors would know about it and would suggest it as an alternative.

All right, so final impressions.

I hope you don't think that I was too harsh. I always do only critiques during the initial parts of my reviews. :)

Characters: I like Maya and Danielle, but I feel like I don't really know their personalities or them very well. I don't really know what they like and dislike. The only thing that identifies them in my mind is that Maya is Mute and Danielle is Deaf. I would love to see them interacting in scenes such as school, work, etc. Firstly, it would be interesting, but it would also introduce more of their personalities and show some likes and dislikes, or quirks and hobbies. It would be nice to have some things to distinguish their voices too. Is Danielle more sarcastic, or is Maya? Which one is more eccentric?

Grammar: There were quite a few grammar errors. Spelling, commas, dialogue... I would research those things so that you can memorize the "rules" and then it will make the read easier for people who are very grammar-focused. When there are too many grammar issues it tends to distract me from the story, and I know that's not what you want!

Plot: I like the plot, although I don't really know the goal that you're working toward. Typically the plot has some kind of driving point, and I don't really know what it is quite yet. Maybe that's just me though! I do really like the deaf and mute theme, though, because I'm very interested in ASL and have a story with a blind character in it, and I feel like people don't have stories that have "disabled" main characters in them. I really do like that aspect!

So, overall, I just think this book needs research! :D Research grammar rules, ASL, deafness, and muteness. EVERYTHING should be factual, you know? So just makes sure you have no doubts that what you're writing is factually correct!

Great job! I hope you have good luck with the rest of the story! :D