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Approximately 2 minutes to read
Light shining through broken windows, grass growing through broken stones. Winning entry for the Bright Places contest; inspired by Netley Abbey, which was founded in 1239 near Southampton, England, and now lies in ruins.Copyright 2015.
almost 2 years ago Headintheclouds said:
I've got a thing for ruins too. Not sure what it is about them. Maybe its the untold stories they have to tell.
I really enjoyed your vivid descriptions, esp. the part about a picture not being able to 'express poignance'. So true!
The only consideration I thought of was maybe you could explore the line 'But Beth changed' Find a way to show this, maybe? Could be through an action or a thought you set up at the begin? Just an idea.
Overall this is lovely :)
about 2 years ago Nana said:
This really got me. I could feel the emotion, and it was the best feeling ever. Great job. I'll probably end up coming back to read it more than once.
almost 2 years ago Plummy said:
para 4 [... had crumbled so much they were nothing more than rough (gaps) (now).]--- You don't need to have "now" in this sentence. "Gaps" doesn't think smoothly... what about "openings" or "entrances"? Just an idea.
[But even such a simple thing as (the) ceiling made the abbey...]--"...thing as a ceiling, made the abbey...".
I feel as though you don't need to separate your writing into so many paragraphs. 3&4 could easily go together. If its your style to do this, its definitely not a necessity.
[It was beautiful, beautiful.]---I understand this to be an echo of a word, but it just reads like you've repeated the word accidentally. Perhaps try, "it was beautiful. There was no other word, just--beautiful." Maybe not that sentence, but forming it in a way that adds some yearning in the narrators voice may help Beth's awe come across better than a possible typo.
Such pretty imagery. I really love stone buildings. There's a catholic church in my hometown that's stone, head to toe, with these tall stain glass windows ALL OVER and I almost wish I wasn't afraid of the people so I could go in and see what it looks like when the sun's out. There's even a bell, too.
Anything else I would have added can be found in the two reviews below me ! I didn't want to repeat anything.
almost 2 years ago Jasmine Lewis said:
This was a lovely piece! I really enjoyed reading it. There were not that many issues which I would point out. Your flow in this was great. Things changed form one idea to the next in a smooth manner and I was able to follow along with the thoughts easily.
You made a nice lay out and built the scene well. The character introduction was smooth and even. I also enjoyed the description you gave of the abbey. It really gave me a feel of a calm, reverent place.
My only suggestion would be that you are careful with when you say her name. Since she's really the only character we know, the reader understands 'she' means Beth. So be careful with the name. I only ran across eon spot really where the name made it feel choppy, that might have just been me though. Overall, it was easy to read.
I also feel like the end was a lovely closing to an equally enjoyable piece. You did great with this and keep writing! :)